Miscarriage 23 Dec 2010 feeling angry

[LILI80]

I recently had a mmc on the 23 december 2010. This was my first mc and I already have a DD. Although I had a ERPOC on 30th december and physically my body is healing I'm finding the emotional side alot harder to overcome.

My emotions have been all over the place. One minute I'm feeling positive about the future and trying again, the next I'm feeling tearful and then I'm feeling angry but angry at all of my pregnant friends.

I can't help but feel like a bit of a leper especially as one of my friends said she wasn't sure if I'd want to see her what with her "being pregnant and everything".

Right now I feel that I don't want to be around my pregnant friends but then I don't want to isolate myself further.Plus these people already have children who my DD plays with and I don't want to isolate her. Has anyone else felt like this? I know I should be happy for my PG friends but I can't help but feel bitter!

[LAF77]

Dear lil I understand how you feel. I am waiting for a friend to have her baby any day now and I know it will tear me apart as her baby will be similar to the age of my first baby. I've had 2 mcs since then with the last on the 20th Dec. I've watched multiple friends and relations announce pregnancies and I feel so lost too. It is not that I am not happy for them, but just sad for me. I don't want to be told that everything is OK because it isn't.

There are so many emotions that you will go through post mc. None of them are wrong. You aren't alone in all of this though.

[kalo12]

so sorry for your loss. i have had 3 mcs, two this year, got on ds. now i am 13 weeks preg again and it has been mega stressful 13 weeks ever.

anyway, i was once told that if you want to get rich you have to hang around with rich people and money, so i took this attitude after my 3rd mc in august - if you want to get pregnant you have to hang around with bumps and babies. 3 of my closest friends are pregnant, - one of them due the same day as my last mc was due, and two of my friends have new borns.

i know its hard but just knowing that babies are born all the time and mcs are also common should be enough reassurance.
i got preg within 5 months of each mc. good luck

[bb99]

LIL - I understand completely. Whatever you are feeling is not 'wrong' it's just what you are feeling.

When I had my first mc, some years ago (after 1dc) I found it so hard to be around pg women. When I got back to work I had to take the children I was working with to a school swimming lesson and a woman who was v. v. pg came into the pool a bit early. It was all I could do not to scream at her and burst into tears infront of the kids I was so distressed at being that close to a pg women - sounds a bit mad I know!

It's not that I wanted other women to feel as sad as I did, I just found accepting that I wasn't pg anymore so hard and I was so envious.

I had another lmmc November 2009, another little boy, and my SIL had a new baby that Christmas. Seeing DH danging our new nephlett was one of the hardest things ever - just about broke my heart.

There are so many feelings that get jumbled up when you have a loss like this. When I lost my first little boy, someone told me that you never 'get over it' but you do learn to put the sad/angry feelings aside for day to day life. It's very true - I still think about ALL my children and sometimes it brings tears to my eyes - I will always feel sad and a bit angry that they never got to come and live with our family, but it's not all the time now!

There's no right way to greive and I hope your friends and family find the right words and support for you.

[LILI80]

LAF77, KALO12 and bb99 thank you so much for your posts. Reading your experiences and how you've felt has given me some comfort.

In a way it's a relief to see that I'm not the only one who has felt like this!

I'm really glad I joined mn as it's a comfort to know there are people out there who really understand how I feel.

Thank you again x

[wellieboots]

Hi Lili,
You are so not alone in this. Your emotions will be all over the place, that is perfectly normal, and sometimes it will be one step forward two steps back - you just need to take it one minute at a time.

I am finding that sometimes I am OK around pg friends, babies etc and other times I just want to run away! I am told it gets easier as you go on.

take care x

[peachsmuggler]

Oh lili am so sorry, It is truly awful, what you are going through. Try not to put pressure on yourself about the way you feel as your feelings are completely normal.

Am in similar position to you. Found out at scan on 22nd dec that I was going to miscarry and it is still happening now. Also have a DD and pretty much all my friends have had their second or pregnant with them. Have got 3 babies to visit this month and it's going to be hard. Get a bit overwhelmed when I think about this especially as the friends don't know yet about the miscarriage and want to tell them, partly cos they're my friends so don't feel I cannot, but also in case I get upset. Don't want to go round there and then get in a state when we should be celebrating their babies but then don't want to stay away, as again, we should be celebrating.

Also worried about getting home tomorrow (we have been staying wiyh family for Xmas) and finding letter for 12 week scan which will have to cancel, having to put positive pregnancy tests in the bin, all these things. However, thinking about it rationally (quite difficult just now!) I know I will have to just deal with each of these things one at a time.

I know what you mean about emotions swinging from one side yo another, I seem to have one day when I feel fairly normal, then fall to bits the next. Go easy on yourself and give it time. The instinct to isolate yourself is completely normal but am sure this will get better and you'll find being around your friends will help.

[hadrian]

Hi lili and so sorry to hear about your loss. I'm in a similar position - I MC'd on Christmas Eve and also feel very up and down. My SIL is pregnant and I was due around the same time. We were so looking forward to being on maternity leave together. Now I feel glad for her and happy to have another niece or nephew but so sad for us and am just not sure how much I want to see her during her pregnancy. I feel terrible about that but it's just how I feel right now.

peachsmuggler I think I'm going to plan a time when I put all my baby related things in a special box, put it in a cupboard somewhere safe, have a huge cry and try to move on xxx

[bb99]

Memory boxes are good - I get mine out sometimes and spend a bit of time having a think about my babies (and a cry sometimes).

[iggi999]

What I can't face is going back to work and everyone asking did you have a good christmas, good new year etc. They only expect happy answers and all the acting is just so hard. Would love to never go back to work and just be on my own.

[peachsmuggler]

It will be hard iggi but maybe just say "yes, great thanks" and change the conversation.

Am lucky enough not to be working just now but when I went back to work after my first miscarriage I was dreading it and after the first day it wasn't as bad as I had been worried about. It took my mind off things which helped.

[hadrian]

I was dreading going back to work too but my very sweet doctor signed me off work for the next two weeks! Think that feels a bit much but am going to stay at home this week and check my emails from time to time just to ease back in. What with everything that's happened this Christmas I don't feel like I've had any sort of break at all - I think we're all entitled to a few more days of rest and relaxation

[iggi999]

Thank you guys. . I should be used to the return to work as it's my third one. There are no opportunities to have a cry etc at work which I find difficult (teacher). Roll on the new year and better luck for us all!

[iggi999]

Thank you guys. . I should be used to the return to work as it's my third one. There are no opportunities to have a cry etc at work which I find difficult (teacher). Roll on the new year and better luck for us all!

[hadrian]

Good luck for your first day back iggi - you're really brave. Can you escape when the final bell goes and go home and collapse on the sofa?

[iggi999]

Yes Hadrian, I'll be on sofa with a glass of wine before they've put their coats on!

[iggi999]

Yes Hadrian, I'll be on sofa with a glass of wine before they've put their coats on!

[Alibobster]

Dear Lili, I could have written this post.

I has my 4 m/c (mmc) on the 29th and an ERPC on the 30th. This has been my toughest yet as we had an early scan and saw a heartbeat.

I have been so up and down like you say. One minute I am looking at planning a holiday, night out with friends, anything with a view to looking ahead. Next minute a black cloud descends and I can't stop crying. I feel so guilty for neglecting DH and DS. I know I should be thankful for what I've got but I can't stop mourning for what I lost. I have never known such rage and bitterness within myself until now

I wish I could offer some helpful advice but I can't except to say your not alone and your are entitled to feel anyway you want right not and do whatever you need to to get through this. My best friend had a baby on the 27th December and I don't know how I'm going to deal with that one

I

[LILI80]

Alibobster thank you for your response and I'm so sorry you're also going through this awful experience too.

I'm exactly where you are at the minute just so unbelieveably up and down.

I've been feeling guilty as I've got my DD and she's so cute and funny but also I look at her and it makes me realise what I've lost :(

I think I need time just to get through it as at the moment it's all so raw, and I'm sure you feel the same. One thing that is really helping me though is reading everyone's responses.

When I went to the hospital to sign the consent forms for the op, I was sat in the same waiting room as the pg women and it was awful sitting there and watching them go for their scans and then coming out all happy and paying over their donation for their scan picture. I felt so unbelieveably lonely.

Just reading everyone's responses has made me realise that I'm not alone which has been some comfort. I hope you feel the same.

As for your friends' baby that is so hard. I'm sure your friend will understand though if you don't feel up to seeing the baby just yet. xx

[Alibobster]

Lili that is awful that you were made to sit in the waiting room with pregnant women. How bloody insensitive.

The dr who carried out my erpc was brilliant and told me that if I carried on with ttc then I would have a baby, it really would happen. I'm trying to remember that and be positive.

i'm always here if you want to talk, no matter what about,even if it's just to say how you're doing each day

Look after yourself

Ali xxx

[LILI80]

Peachsmuggler thank you for your response and I'm really sorry for you too.

My 12 wk scan date came through on the day I found out my baby had died. I thought someone was playing some sort of sick joke on me. My DH sorted everything out for me though as I just couldn't cope with doing it myself.

I had actually left my pregnany test in the bathroom since I had taken the test as I liked to look at it and remind myself that yes I was actually pg but seeing that test after I had told there wasn't a heartbeat felt like my heart was breaking in two - just so so sad. I ended up chucking it in the bin as just couldn't take it.

I think it's just going to take time to get through it, one thing that is keeping me going is that i definitely want to try again and I just hope that if I do get pg again that everything will be ok.

[LILI80]

[Alibobster] ahh thank you for that. I will do and the same goes to you too, if ever you need to talk I'll be here.

Take care xx

[LAF77]

Lili that seems so cruel to make you stay with pg women as you are waiting for your ERPC. Many EPUs and hospitals do not afford women much dignity in the face of mc. I know that MN was presenting a code of practice recommendation to the NHS for treatment of women who have miscarried or experiencing threatened mc. I hope that it succeeds.

I was raging inside the last time when I went to the EPU as I saw couple exit before I went in and I was convinced that they were part of the statistics that would have a good pg outcome whilst I was destined to be in the negative outcome.

ali I understand the rollercoaster feeling. Today was the first day back at work post Christmas and I felt like leaving early because all of the questions and throw away remarks like "did you have a good Christmas" and "Happy New Year" don't ring true. I don't want to say anything to anyone and I don't want to talk to anyone about it, but it does hurt. I don't know what I'm feeling as it hasn't sunk in yet that I have lost another baby. I have a meeting with my boss tomorrow and I really don't care about what I have to present. It seems so pointless, but I can't just blow it off. Hopefully, I will be in a better place mentally by tomorrow morning.

[irishsaz]

I just wanted to say I totally understand how your feeling. I had a miscarriage on 20th Dec and an ERPC on 23rd December. I was totally devastated as just 10 days earlier I had seen the heartbeat so assumed everything was ok.
My sister in law is due any day now and I can't deal with it, in fact I am so angry at her and I feel like I can't have anything to do with her or the baby. I haven't had any support from my family or friends and feel so isolated. xxx

[LILI80]

irishsaz I'm so sorry for what you're going through too.

It's so hard to have to deal with pg people as it's like rubbing salt in the wound and also a reminder of what you've lost. I still haven't met up with any of my pg friends yet. Having read people's replies this seems to be a common thing. My thoughts are that eventually the anger and upset will subside and I'm hoping that ttc asap will help me get over it.

I'm so sorry you haven't had the support of any of your friends or family, as it's so important that at a time like this you have people who you can lean on. Hopefully reading other people's experiences are helping you feel that you're not alone.

[LILI80]

LAF77 Yes lets hope it does! Such an awful experience and why they think you would be happy sitting there with pg people is beyond me!

It's not like it's a doctors surgery where you have a real mixture of people, this is specifically for pregnancy and it's the last place I really wanted to be at that moment!