how do i deal with miscarriage?

[stepmumtoone]

I don't know where to start, i'm losing my baby my DP is gutted we had told my mum and his DD from a previous relationship and now, nothing, i shouldn't be upset because it wasn't planned and there is so many people here who have planned it and for who it is the right time, but i want my baby, it feels like my heart is breaking and i don't know what to think. sorry just really wanted someone to tell me who to deal with this xx

[tadjennyp]

I'm so sorry stepmumtoone. I don't know what to tell you. Have you been to the Early Pregnancy Unit to check for sure? If you are certain then please give yourself to grieve. It does not matter whether you planned it, or not. You loved that baby and you need to give yourself time to get over it. Sending you best wishes and hugs.

[PrettyCandles]

Naturally you are upset. Don't deny yourself the right to grieve. Miscarriage is distressing under any circumstances.

How far along are you? Are you certain you are miscarrying? Light bleeding doesn't always indicate miscarriage. How are you feeling physically? If you don't have any signs of illness, eg raised temperature, severe pain, hard or bloated (as opposed to pregnant) belly, then you don't need to have a miscarriage managed medically. It is, after all, as natural a process as pregnancy itself . That said, if it would reassure you to be checked over, or if you are more than a few weeks on, then go see either your GP or the EPU.

Also, ifthere is a chance that you are not miscarrying then it would be a good idea to check up on the baby.

Please don't blame yourself. It is highly unlikely that anything you did or did not do caused the miscarriage (if that is what is happening). For most of the first trimester the placenta is not yet fully formed, and the baby does not take nutrition from you, so can't be affected by what you do.

Cuddle up to your dp, share comfort with him, and rest. Don't force yourself to soldier on. Ifyou are mcing then you will find uourself feeling worse, perhaps cramping, from time to time. Don't worry it will ease. It means that your body is trying to pass a big clot, that is all. If the cramps are uncomfortable take paracetamol.

I hope this isn't too much info for you. It is what the midwife explained to me when I mcied, and I found it reassuring to understand what was happening.

I hope you feel better soon. One day at a time, OK?

[stepmumtoone]

i am between 5 and 7 weeks, cramping and really heavy bleeding yesterday about 7pm, going to book a GP appointment today to find out, but in my head, heart, body whatever it feels like its gone....
thank you for the kind reply's, just didn't know where to go came here for advice on my step daughter so instinctively came for support.
can EPU help me as i didn't go to doctors about positive tests yet there was just to much to do, seems silly now nothing should have been more important. x

[oliviacrumble]

Stepmum am so sorry to hear you're going through this. Please be kind to yourself, I'm sure that nothing you did or didn't do caused this to happen.

miscarriage is just one of those awful things that can happen, and as I'm sure you will find out, is sadly very, very common.

Definitely your EPU is the place to go. Ring them to see if they will take you without a referral from your doctor.

They will scan you to see what is happening, and then will advise you on what is the best course of action for you.

there is also couselling available, which they should be able to tell you about also.

This section of Mumsnet is a wonderful support, and there are many of us here who have been through this sad experience.

YOu Will feel better, but you need to give yourself time to grieve. x

[PrettyCandles]

sounds like it really is a mc. I think most EPUs take self-referrals, but you might want to phone first to check. GP will probably send you there.

EPU cannot stop an early miscarriage. They can only check whether the pgcy is still viable, offer treatment to remove the pgcy (ERPC), and offer support and monitoring.

When I went to EPU at 7w plus a few days I refused to be scanned as (a) it would involve an internal scan, which felt un-necessarily invasive given how fragile I felt, and (b) because I felt I would then be pressured to continue on the medicalised route of having an ERPC. It might shorten the bleeding by a few days, but at the cost of an even more distressing intervention. Many women choose that route - it's entirely up to the individual. But I felt that the mc was as natural as pgcy, and I wasn't ill so didn't need to be treated medically. I prefered to let nature take its course and let things move on gently. It was the right decision for me.

What I needed, which the EPU gave me, was a talk with a practical and compassionate midwife. She explained what was going on in my body, what I would be feeling, and what it meant. How to deal with it. Signs to look out for. She also took blood tests to confirm that my pgcy hormones were dropping. And a week or so later, when I was feeling very confused about whether or nit I was still pg, she did another blood test to confirm that I was not. And listened to me again and explained what was happening.

I think a miscarrying woman needs support, not 'treatment'. Your body can deal with this, it's your mind and your emotions that struggle.

It's horrible to have to break the news that you have miscarried just a few days after announcing the pregnancy. I told three members of my famly, but found ittoo distressing and asked my dad to tell the rest.

Look, this is really intense and miserable right now, but you will get through it. And you will feel well again and you will feel happy again. It just takes time and you have to allow yourself your own personal grief.

[stepmumtoone]

DSD 2 she will be fine she just points to tummy now and says baby, wont really understand tbh just when she was jumping on me DP was like noooo baby in there yesterday thats why it got to me she knew, silly really, bless her DSD is most important thing after - www.mumsnet.com/Talk/stepparenting/997070-help-me-mother-has-taken-her-back
local EPU are ringing me back...
thank you for support and advice in such a bad place right now i have no idea how to deal with this as well im sure i will manage just dont want to have to.

[PrettyCandles]

How are you, stepmumtoone?

[kittywise]

Sorry, for you. There is no way to deal with miscarriage. It happens. My way of dealing with mine was just to get on with things. Acknowledge I was upset and then move on. No point dwelling.

[stepmumtoone]

hi prettycandles, im as good as i can be thank you, from the people ive spoken to i think i have officially miscarried now (still bleeding though? I'm not sure how long thats meant to last)
the EPU couldnt really offer me much in terms of help when i spoke to them they asked if i wanted medical intervention and when i said no they told me to ring relate and talk to someone if i felt i needed to didnt really go through what the process would be although they were very nice about offering me a appointment if i did want medical intervention i just wanted someone to go through the process with me really step by step iyswim?
Thank you everyone that responded to this post you have helped hugely x

[PrettyCandles]

Oh that's a shame. Maybe I got to talk with a midwife because I as already there and in the system, IYSWIM.

IIRC the bleeding lasted a week, or maybe 10 days. At first heavy with lots of small clots, then lighter but with larger clots, then tailing off like the end of a period, but with no clots. The pregnancy feelings, like cravings, nausea, and weird sense of smell, came and went, and my body still thought it was pregnant a week after the bleeding had stopped (which was why I returned to the EPU). Physically, I felt normal well before I had my next period, which was pretty much at the normal interval - about a month after the mc.

My experience matched up fairly closely to what the mw had told me to xpect.

IIRC the main thing to look out for is any indication that you are unwell, as in my earliest post, because that could indicate an infection. Also, if the bleeding becomes foul-smelling, is any colour other than what you would expect during a period, goes on for more than a couple of weeks, or you pass clots larger than a walnut, you need to go to EPU as that could indicate a potentially dangerous problem.

But don't let that scare you. These problems don't tend to happen - you just need to be aware of any wArning signs.

Hope this is the info you were looking for, and not TMI. If there's anything more you want to know, just post. Lots of us will be around to respond.

[kittywise]

My bleeding with all of mine have lasted about a month on and off. I would bleed then it would stop for a week say, then start up again, but be a little more brown, rather than red. So don't worry if you are feeling well and the bleeding is longer than 2 weeks.

[welshmummy2B]

i think dealing with a miscarriage should be done in a way that feels natural to you. when i miscarried the first time i needed something to remind me that yes i have a baby that i have lost but has made me stronger...i had a tattoo done on my wrist of a hearts with ribbons (i know what it means and every time i look at it i know that every day i will get stronger) a tattoo might not be for you but planting a tree or letting a ballon go as a way of letting go may help you grieve.

an talk, dont be affraid to speak out how you feel not matter how silly you may feel, when i lost my baby i hated every pregnant woman and every new mum i felt silly and didn say but by talking to people i found out i wasnt alone.

JUST BE YOURSELF AND GRIEVE IN A WAY THAT IS BEST FOR YOU, DONT BE AFFRAID TO SAY HOW YOU ARE FEELING xxx