May I?

[SmugColditz]

ex P has been slowly losing interest in the very frequent access he demanded when we split up. He originally (15 months ago) demanded to see them every day after work, and I conceded. So we fell into a routine whereby he came round, sat with them while they ate their meal, and put thm to bed.

last month he announced he wants one night off a week. I agreed, on the proviso that he lets me know when this is so the children know when he is and is not coming.

He has since had 3 migraines, one "really bad day" and a poorly leg

He lets me know he isn't coming by text, says he will ring the children to let them know, then doesn't ring until about an hour after he was due to arrive - so I have the choice of telling them myself (which I have been) or lying to them when they start their tirade of "Isdaddycomingisdaddycomingisdaddycoming?" at about 3.15 pm, resulting in ultimate disappointment when he doesn't come.

I know they need to know, I know it's better promptly from me than late from him, but today he was supposed to be putting ds1 to bed, and started pacing up and down muttering about 'plans' while I was reading ds1's story. He keeps making it abundantly clear that he would rather be elsewhere. Ds1 (as I reminded him today) is not 3, like when he left, but is now five, and is entirely different, more subtle and knowing than any 3 year old. he knew his dad wanted to leave. He knew Daddy only stayed because mummy got snotty and hissed "stop it!"

He shot out of the door like a bat out of hell.

I rang him half an hour later to talk about why this has to stop, and have had a 45 minute circular conversation, in which I have been informed that as I am going out on Thursday night, he would not, as arranged, come for the children on Thurday Morning, but would instead be turning up at lunchtime.

He does not have them overnight at his place, a his place is a ([probably dirty) single bed in a sty of a rented room. Sometimes he stays here overnight and I sleep elsewhere, or on the sofa.

I tried to point out that because I have ultimate responsibility for the children, he gets opportunities of socialising and career that I simply do not get, and he accused me of "fucking my night completely, fuck off and let me get ready!"

I never get a proper break, I feel like screaming, everyone thinks he is such a fucking fantastic dad because he sees them so often, and is sometimes pushing a buggy around town, but I am ENABLING IT ALL!!!!!!

He's doing nothing of his own accord apart from turning up when he feels like it, it's embarrassing how much I actually do for him, and for the children when it's technically his turn.

I thought I was being really tolerant letting him have this ad hoc access but it's bitten me on the arse, he seems to expect that he can pick and choose when he has the children. I don't get to ring them up when I am ill and say, "SAorry boys, I'll see you tomorrow", I have to fit everything in round his work arrangements, and if I want to be away from him and the children I have to be out of the house.

I want him to have them less frequently but for longer. I want him to have them overnight. I want him to arrange somewhere for them to BE overnight with him because I want just a tiny tiny bit of freedom from the tyranny of whatever whim takes his miniscule little brain next.

He's gone to the fucking fair. He thought it was worth ditching his five year old's bedtime, after late notice cancelling on him yesterday, to go to the fucking Fair. He's 35 years old FFS.

I feel so so pressured to let him do what he wants because if I don't he starts effing and insulting and shouting in front of the children. So Now I don't raise the subject in front of the children. I phoned instead. But now apparently I am 'trying to ruin his plans' by ringing. If I try to discuss it when the boys have gone to bed he storms out ("I'm going if all your'e going to do is have a go")

This is why we split up, this is why we will never get back together, it's because he doesn't see the children as his responsibility. He loves them, he adores them, they adore him, he will always love and cherish and play with them - but school uniform? Dentist appointments? Enforcing discipline? Childcare? Reading books? Homework? Shoes that fit? Brushing teeth? All their food, including when they're with him?]

My problem. Not that he says it's my problem, he just leaves it until it's my problem.

He doesn't see that he has hurt his son's feelings. He doesn't see why he should ring before he is due here, not after, if he isn't coming. He seems to be drifting away from them and, although not losing intrest as such, becoming like a more distant relative. It's like he'd rather be FunDad, instead of RealDad.

Sorry for stream-of-consciousness type ranting, I've been sitting on that since 7pm.

[SmugColditz]

Jesus that's long!

[ChasingSquirrels]

don't actually know what to say, but didn't want to read and not post.

[charliecat]

Jeesus. Sounds just like me and XP..

[SmugColditz]

I am sick of being the one who has to. I just want him to have one weekend a month where he has to.

[charliecat]

Ok, he has, indeed got it fantastically, as in no timed arrangements so he can do what the fuck he likes while you are there ALL THE time and somehow end up grateful that hes turned up.
Its been working ok up till now because hes been consistent.
I had the 30 mins before due to turn up too thing. Really Fucking annoying that was.
It came to a head when I punched him in the face because he came INTO MY HOUSE and was insulting me and I had had no sleep and after that I said we dont get on, we NEED to sort out dates and times, then there will be no more arguing about the times and dates. You do your bit I do mine.
We somehow settled on tues/thurs and every second weekend.
He has them at MY HOUSE. I got to harmans every 2nd weekend, neither of us of have our kids.
Its some me time for me. Not sure if you could arrange similar?
Im on MSN if you wanna rant further.

[charliecat]

What I mean is, its now not working as well as it was, and it WILL dwindle into less and less and the arguing will get more and more.... so you do NEED to sort it out before it gets to that.

[mummyblue]

You know what? men are all alike. Selfish, irresponsible, unreliable. A sigle mum does all the work nobody seems to see, and daddy is only avaiable for the funny parts of beeing a parent. After some years of beeing a single mum I am absolutly tired of all things, cannot socialise anymore, work all day (and some nights, and lost all ilusions. A mother is a very different thing than a father. We can see it in Nature...fathers go away too easily, children are with us forever. I think you will be better when you stop yoursef waiting for him, counting on him. Don´t! So that he cannot disapoint you!!

[dolallylass]

My xh was just the same in the early days he had to call them every night and see them once in the week and every second weekend, got the hump if he missed out on any school stuff but the last two years has seen that dwindle to only every 2nd weekend. I know that is much more than some people get but the hard bit for me is his lack of interest and responsibility. Anything to do with them, school, clubs, friends everything falls to me. They have had their little hearts broken over this time as he has a gf with a son, and my ds is convinced his dad loves her ds more.

Can not talk to him as get so enraged I honestly can not trust myself. When we split up I was indifferent about him and that's why I left. I never imagine having this much bitterness towards someone.

I agreed with the comment that it will probably only get worse especially if he has got a gf. Make sure you make your needs top priority. If he backs away too much it will all be on your shoulders.

Good Luck

[Collision]

and he needs to kick his arse into gear and get himself a decent place where the children can stay overnight.

He sounds irresponsible and immature (which doesnt help you!)

Is his Mum around? Could he stay with her and the children for a weekend?

You do need to sit down and work out a timetable for him to have the children so that you both know where you stand.....but then you know that already.

Tell him you dont want to fight in front of the children but it needs planning in advance so that you can go back to work (or whatever) and that he must be reliable.

[SmugColditz]

His mum (you;ll see the pattern in a minute) lives in a single room in a house with her two brothers, who she housekeeps for after she was evicted from her last place having been given a year to move out.

[Collision]

triffic.... so she would be no help then!

[SmugColditz]

She wouldn't know what to do anyway, she has never dealt with two kids, exp is a classic only child.

[Collision]

I think I just thought he would have somewhere to take them rather than her doing everything....

.....I daren't ask about his Dad!!

[SmugColditz]

left when he was 4 ... contact dwindled until it stopped completely, hasn't seen him at all since he was six.

So, you see, he has always been very adamant that he won't do this to his own children ... but ...

[Lurkinaround]

I can sympathise with you, colditz. My daughters are older now and even though exH has a new family and doesn't involve them, has sporadic contact with them, regularly lets them down at the last minute and no financial support, they still want to see him. It makes me so angry that he does not show any consideration towards them or want to have any input in their lives. They don't deserve to be treated like that! I should have put my foot down years ago but I thought I'd be as accommodating as I could. Big mistake.

He left in 1995 when they were 4 and 2. Worked abroad for 9 years, came home once a year during that time, would see them at his parents' for a week and then have absolutely no contact for the rest of the year.

2004 he lands back in the UK and comes to see them and takes them off, only then does he introduce them to his pregnant Philippino wife and her 10 year old daughter. Not only that but he doesn't tell them the wife's also pregnant but waits until she's had it and then comes to fetch them saying 'Do you want to meet your new sister?'

Last Christmas the eldest girl told DDs that her mother was pregnant again. exDH has STILL not told them! She's got to be due pretty soon but not one word has been said to them. In fact, OMG, I've just realised they've only seen him once since Christmas as they said they saw her bump last time they were there but noone said anything to them. Her eldest DD also told my DDs that her Mum doesn't like my DDs as she sees them as a threat. FFS.

He's got them tonight as his parents are coming down tomorrow. I'm wondering if she's had the baby and that's why they're visiting? They must know but they also didn't mention it when they spoke to the girls the other night. What a bunch of heartless bastards.

DDs won't say anything as they rightly think he should tell them. If they did say 'Have you got something to tell us?' He'd probably just say 'Oh yeah, sorry pet' with a stupid fucking grin like he always does and which is why it's impossible to have a discussion with him. He just agrees to what you want and then fucking ignores it.

I wish I knew what the answer is Colditz, it's so unfair that they can detach themselves so easily and leave us feeling resentful and so protective over our DCs who shouldn't have to suffer because their fathers are a waste of space.

I don't usually get angry now as it doesn't help. No point in wishing he would share the load a bit and get involved so I've had to try and accept it being me that has to guide them as best I can and hope I don't fuck it up too much.

Jeez I'm so sorry for hijacking your thread! I've been sitting on that for the last 13 years! It's only the tip of the iceberg but I shall squash it down again or I would be here for several days typing it all out!

[SmugColditz]

Bumping for the day crowd because I'm still pissed off.

[Tinkerbel6]

Colditz things aren't working how the present arrangements stand and I think its confusing to the children and not getting them used to mummy and daddy not being together again. The ex can't dictate when he is coming round so you should start by changing the arrangements to maybe a couple of nights a week and tell him that he needs to start looking for proper accommodation so he can have proper access arrangements, you need to start putting your foot down as you won't have a proper life cause it will be taken up with rallying around keeping the ex happy.

[charlotte121]

lord this is sounding similar to my situation... my kids are younger than yours... but the ex hasnt seen his dad since he was 8 and didnt want to do this to his own dc. ds is 11 months and im due to have dc2 in 6 days... ex has said the whole way through this pg that he wants to support me but the actions that have followed this statement dont follow, im not sure if he'll even turn upto the birth.
we started off that exp would come over in the evenings to spend time with ds after work, feed him tea, put him to bed and would occasionally stay over. It wasnt every evening but was 1 to 3 times a week and i liked it beciase i thought it was an essential part of bonding with ds.... this has now gone out the window as ex very quickly found himself a new gf who has a dd who he is now playing daddy to. Ds usually see's exp once a week now and does stay over with exp at his gfs house but this doesnt come without problems. He basicly thinks he's doing me some amazing favour by having ds overnight and seems to think he deservs a medal.
Last friday he had ds overnight and rang me at 1.30 AM to inform me that he was bringing him home to me because he wouldnt sleep!!! I was so cross. If only i could palm ds off onto someone else whenever he was giving me a bit of trouble.
Whenever i try and have a sivilised convo with him it turns into a full blown argument because like your exp he doesnt really see any of the problems as being his fault or his responsibility. I wish he could take a step back for a moment and see what his behaviour is actually like!
I get myself very upset with exp's behaviour but im slowly learnign that there is nothing i can do about it.
Is there anyway that you could just get him to come in 1 to 2 nights a week so that he would be less liekly to let your kids down? If its any concelation your not alone i think theres alot of us going through this but were here for you if its any help! x

[isheisnthe]

I dont have it nearly as bad colditz but can completely see where you are coming from. Exp has my boys every friday after school/nursery overnight, but from thursday he starts negotating about drop off times - its agreed with solicitors that he should drop at 6, but he never does, and it drives me mad, as I really feel that he see's the boys to make himself look like a good dad and to "tick" the box iyswim?

He regularly does not turn up if he has agreed to see them more and the other day they were missing him so I let them phone him, DS1 put the phone down before ds2 (5 and 4 yrs) said goodbye - cue mass hysteria from ds2 so I phoned back, luckilly I had a feeling he would have the hump and I was glad I hadn't simply passed the phone to ds2 as I got "what do you want now FFS!".

Its hurtful to me that he doesnt make more effort with the boys, not just for me to have time but as I feel he should WANT to see them, FFS he lived with them and saw them everyday for 4 years, but now doesnt even speak to them unless he picks them up from school, if the shoe was on the other foot and they lived with him theres no way I could cope with that gap in contact

[charlotte121]

Heya isheisnthe thats how i feel. I think that i shouldnt be forcing ds on exp because he should naturally want to be around ds not have him as punishment. He only wants to see ds to show him off to his mates... it totally winds me up. The reason our son is so amazing is down to me and has nothing to do with his imput... or lack of it. I dont see why he should get to take any of the praise for it.

[lulumama]

i am really sorry you are having a shitty time.

like you say, the resentment of being the one who is alway, always, always there, regardless of illness or craving for just a few hours of bieng someone's mum..is just too much to bear sometimes.

i think you need to formalise things.and he has to commit it, before the children really start to get wise to it all

why can;t he have them every weekend? or every other weekend and once in the week for tea.. take them out so you don;t have to be involved..

do you have a solicitor?