I Want To Give Up!!! Really Dont Know What The Point Is Anymore!

[charlotte121]

The past few days have been truely impossible. Im massively huge with my bump and have zero energy which means that ds suffers. I cant play with him the way i would like to and bathing him has become impossible. Ds has also been ill with croup, an ear infection, a viral infection and 2 teeth are coming through so there have been several sleepless nights. Me and the ex are just constantly fighting... He says that all i ever do is critocise but i just want him to pull his weight and help. whilst ds has been ill he has expected me to give him regular txt's and updates on how he is but has only once bothered to come over and help... and when he was here he spent the whole time complaining that was in pain because of his black eye and bruises from football. His stupid barbie girlfriend wouldnt stop ringing to find out how long he was going to be which really got on my nerves as ex was there to see ds, not me. I went out and got medicine and food supplies so that i would be stocked up for a bit and therefore wouldnt need to go out. the minute i got bk from tesco ex left to get bk to his precious gf. didnt even kiss ds good bye! I know people are going to say i shouldnt expect anything more from him but i do... im just so sick of coping with ds and pregnancy alone and then trying to keep up with uni. I find it so hard to deal with his new girlfriend. he is constantly trying to get back with me, has told me she is controling and that he's not that into her so why does he put her above his son and spend more time with her daughter than our ds?
I also came to the realisation that one of the reasons I left him was becuase he was so controling... however he is still controling what i do. telling me what i can and cant do. I just feel so week and the only person i had to support me has gone travelling in africa for 4 months.
Found out to day that my mums cancer isnt as simple as we thought in the first place and that she may end up having her facial nerve removed resulting in her losing the movement on one side of her face. he radiotherapy is being moved to a new time which falls just as im about to have my baby and so she might not be able to be at the birth. I dont really have anyone else. Im so alone and depressed and i just dont know how much more i can deal with. i know people dont come on here to her sob stories but im just totally lost as to where to turn. and instead of things getting better they're just gettiing worse.

[SmugColditz]

You poor poor woman.

You need to switch the rest of tonight off, have a nice bath, go to bed and go to sleep. I bet you are exhausted.

YOu need to establish regular contact times in which your ex is going to be wholly responsible for your ds, and i8n which YOU are going to REST.

Where are you in the country, is there anyone near you?

[charlotte121]

i live in bristol... meeting up with some mumnetters on friday so hopefully i will be able to make some friends. i just dont know how to make the ex see that i need some help. He makes out that im over reacting but he has no responsibilities what so ever. I struggle to get any money out of him and he messes me around constantly.
Making a regular time for contact can be difficult as he works different shifts... thats with the job he has... god knows how long he'll manage to keep it for. he loses his job constantly which makes money difficult... but constantly wants to borrow money off of me. I have learnt my lesson in lending him money. he owes me £2500 and i cant see i'll ever get it bk.
he wont give me anymore help than he is doing so i think im pretty much stuck. Just have to go loopy! I do worry that i'll lose it and then social services will take my kids away.

[SmugColditz]

Have you contacted the csa yet? You must ring them and tell them his address and his work address. Don't give him any money!

[Divastrop]

why is he coming to you to see ds?surely he should be picking him up and taking him out/to his place?

sorry to ask this but i dont know if ive missed something-is the baby your ex's as well ?

i hope you make some new friends at your meet-up,thats what you need right now.and i hope that you can tell the ex where to stick himself in a few months when you've had the baby and feeling more settled and less vulnerable.

from the sounds of it,the barbie woman is probably(quite reasonably)jealous of the time he spends with you.he sounds like a total twonk.

[Niecie]

goodness you are really going through it at the moment aren't you.

No wonder you just want to up sticks and leave it all behind. When is your baby due?

The only thing I wanted to suggest is that you contact Homestart I don't know an awful lot about them other than they can offer help to families who are in having trouble coping for any number of reasons. They can give emotional and practical help. I should imagine in a big place like Briston they would have somebody who could help you.

I hope things improve for you soon.

[Niecie]

Divastrop - her DS isn't well so she probably didn't want him going out which is why her ex came over. (That is what I assumed anyway)

[charlotte121]

i dont know either... i think his post goes to his mums but i think he is living with his barbie doll. I have decided that when i break up from uni over the summer i am going to sort something with the csa. Im sick of being the only 1 to provide, especially as im living on a student loan. It doesnt go very far!
A lot of the money he owes me is from when we were together. he stole quite a bit from me to gamble with which is why we split up in the end. He wouldnt admit he had a problem when he went to a pawn broker, got a £600 loan and blew the whole lot at the bookies. Of course when i found the piece of paper that was some sort of recipt i felt devistated and betrayed as he had also lied about where he had been that day when he got the money and lost it. he how ever told me i had over reacted to leave him and still to this day wont admit he has a gamling problem.
sounds stupid but I dont really care about the money and the CSA i just want him to be supportive whilst im pg and be a good father to my son... but he isnt... so i feel like telling him to not bother at all. He causes so many problems. He is trying to stop me going on holiday in the summer, its to devon for a week, hardly the perils of going abroad for a fortnight.
ds is awake agian from croup, i dont think he is going to sleep tonight. I have uni in the morning and have a 2 hour drive to get there. Just dont know how im going to summon the energy to do it! Acchhh i hate feeling like this.

[citylover]

Can you get a doula for the birth? I know it sounds a bit pretentious but if your mum can' t be there she will help you through it.

She will be an experienced mother who knows how to look after another woman in labour and birth.

I had one with DS2 and really she was lovely and invaluable. As at the beginning of labour my DH (now ex) was looking after DS1.

[treaclepudd]

Hi Charlotte, sorry to hear what you are going through especially with your bump. Smugcolditz is right, go to the csa if you havnt already. If you dont mind me saying he sounds like an immature pathetic man. You have to be strong and to be strong you need tolook after yourself in order to look after the children even though I know it probably seems impossible to you at the moment. In my experience, most people are really kind and helpful-once they know the postion you are in, and along the way you will find help and support from kinder and more sensitive peolple. Don't be afraid to ask people and I think you are great for meeting mumsnetters on Friday-a positive step in the right direction! I hope things get better for you.

[citylover]

PS My DS2 has had croup several times and I know how awful it can be. In the end I bought a humidifier/steamer to help deal with it.

But also be aware of when you should seek medical attention for croup. If they really have difficulty breathing then you should take them to A & E. Probably not what you want to hear but sometimes they do need additional help.

[SmugColditz]

What about asking a friend's mum to be there with you? Could you stand that?

Have you applied for a maternity grant? Is there a chance you might be eligable? This could take some of the financial pressure off you...

[zazen]

I think you're really amazing!
am sending you hugs ((( )))

sounds like your xp is addicted to gambling. You won't be able to change him into a good father if he isn't one already - you know that though - that's why you split up with him!

If I were you I'd give him the boot totally. you don't need this hanger -on and confusion in your or your DS's lives.

I hope you have a sympathetic tutor in uni - explain to them in uni that you're under a lit of pressure - they're usually very good at giving extra time for any assignments if you need it, IF they know about what's going on in your personal life.

I hope your mum is feeling better soon and that she can be with you at your bab's birth.

Sending positive vibes your way!

[charlotte121]

both kids are his. He's not interested in this one coz its a girl. she is due in 4 weeks time. Im weary of him taking ds out as I have made it clear I dont want ds to have contact with his grandmother... ex's mum. shes a total nut case who puffs smoke in his face, feeds him chocolate all day longs and spends every moment he's with her critocising my parenting skills. however this means ex either has to spend time with ds at mine, im quite happy to go out and leave him to it, or that he has to take him out. I have sujested that he take him to the soft play area a few miles from my house but he makes out he cant afford the £1.50 to get in, he does on the odd occasion take ds to see his sister and her children but most of the time he wants to take him to his girlfriends house. I dont really think it is appropriate as i cant see the relationship lasting very long and i dont want a whole host of "women" being paraded infront of my son as he grows up. I also think that the little bit of time he does spend with ds should be quality time. ds adores his daddy but harly ever see's him. his girlfriend is quite interfearing.
I spose im just making thinks difficult but i dont want ds to turn out like his dad. ex had a very disrupted childhood which im sure is partly the reason why he is like what he is today. I find it difficult that I can see the solutions to the problems but my ex just wont listen. I feel like cutting his access alltogether. I recently found out that ex has about 5 kids other than my son and see's and pays for none of them so im not holding my breath. I want to give him a chance to show he can be a good dad but at the same time i feel he is messing us about so much that is not worth it.

[Divastrop]

i dont think you are going to get the support you want from him.i think in the long run you will be better off building up your life without him.get support from friends,look into a doula for the birth.are you getting all the financial help you are entitled to?

dont pin your hopes on the csa,they are notoriously crap(i have been ringing them for 6 years telling them my xp is working,and isnt paying maintenance),and if you havent been able to get any money out of him it will be a long time before they can.

it just sounds like you'd be better off with this man out of your life altogether

[charlotte121]

reading this back i cant believe what a horrible guy he is. He has a beautiful son... so many people struggle to concieve and although my children are in a slightly crazy environment i wouldnt change having them for the world. I love being a mum and at the moment my little boy is the only thing that keeps me going.
I would love to cut ex out completely but i dont know how i would ever justify that to my kids when theyre old enough to understand and i dont think i could justify it to myself. My dad died when i was 8, however he was a wonderful dad who worked hard to provide us with every luxury... he couldnt be there where as my ex can be. I think i would never forgive myself if i stopped him seeing them.
Just thought im going to an NCT class soon, admittedly i have to go alone which could be fun being surrounded by smug couples... me sat there little chav mother lol (god im turning into such a miserable bag) but hopefully it will give another chance for support and to make friends. All my friends are jetting off round the world or have moved away for uni

[charlotte121]

dont know if i could afford a doula. Got through the first part of sons birth on my own as my mum passed out lol and ex was suffereing with a hangover... didnt turn up for ages. I have one friend i could ask but pregnancy and babies is a bit of a touchy subject with her as she was due to have a baby a few weeks after mine and had an abortion (her parents made her) so i think it might be a tad insensitive to ask her. she is the type of person who would say yes and mean no... bless her. she likes to please everyone.

[SmugColditz]

Go to Homestart, they can be an invaluable support network.

[SmugColditz]

Explain the situation to your midwife, she may have contacts for you, such as trainee midwives who would like to be there for you.

[citylover]

Mine was in training (though she had 5 kids of her own) so I got reduced rate. Can't remember how much but not too much.

[fletchaaarr]

Doulas will sometimes do lower rates if you can't afford full, and there are trainee doulas who charge less.

Good luck

Ps - he sounds like an complete cock inconsiderate git

[charlotte121]

I have been considering makeing some of his photo's from when we were together into a dart board. I think it would be rather theraputic to lob sharp instruments at his face Havnt seen a midwife 4 some time now as i moved house and never got round to registering with the new docs. was supposed to see the doc today but was late and they were majorly rude to me. I walked out of the doctors surgery crying. prrggghhh i hate some receptionists. have re-booked it for friday so then they'll let me see the midwife once i have had a check up. just have to hope all my levels and things are ok. baby is doing karate as we speak.

[hertsnessex]

charlotte, if you need a doula you can look on www.doula.org.uk - under 'find a doula' and then talk/email some and ask about the hardship fund where DUK reimburse costs to the doula. or look for a trainee. xx

[Divastrop]

he sounds so much like my xh.i also struggled with the idea of ds2 never knowing his father,as my dad died when my mum was expecting me.i tried and tried to make it work with him but i think the final straw was when he stole money from ds2's money box(that people had put in his pram for good luck-think its a northern thing?!)to go to the bookies.it was then that i realised he just wasnt capable of feeling human emotion,and probably had some sort of personality disorder,and nothing i did was ever going to change that.

i will explain to ds(who is almost 5 now)when he asks.my dh has applied to adopt him,he is a good dad to him and a much better role model than that twat would ever have been.

[skyatnight]

You definitely need some support. From what you've said, you will get ill if you try to do it all on your own. He won't be much use -you can't afford to waste precious energy at this time trying to change him - it would take too long and probably will never happen. I agree with others - contact Homestart. The most important things are your health, the new babies health, your ds's health, your Mum's health. You need someone to take the pressure off you a bit so that you can put your feet up and rest.

[charlotte121]

me and ex have been at each others throats again the past few days. Apparently all i do is bite his head off. We have however agreed to meet up in a cafe at the weekend without ds and talk about all the problems and try and come to some sort of agreement about things. I dont know if anything will come of it but its worth a try. All i want is for his sometimes to pop round and do ds tea, bath him and out him to bed. would be lovely as i would get a rest and would be great time for them to bond as at the moment he doesnt spend any time alone with ds. his gf is always there.
I realised how drasticly different ex's behaviour has been since he got with his gf... i think she is very controling and this could be why the situation has become so hard. however it could just be that ex is a total knob!!! he had the cheak to tell me not to let ds burn in the sun yesterday... as if i dont know how to look after my son!