do i have the right to get another phone, and only use that for contact with ex dh?

[piratecat]

Sounds very petty I know. Yet I was just reading nut's thread, about being hassled by her ex, and a similar one form someone who dreaded switching on her phone.

Thing is i have always been on call for ex dh, the phone on till about 7 each evening. If he rings and I am driving, out, have swithced off my phone, or gone to bed, he gets very pissed off.

NOw I rarely turn my phone off, but you can bet that he rings when it is off or I have been out of signal. I am sick to death of being scared to turn on my phone int he morning, to listen to him peed off. For 3 yrs he has been pretty lame in having contact with dd. God forbid i don't get to the phone too, and iot goes on to answer phone. I just feel tired with having to jump, when he wants.

I feel like getting a phone that he can ring once/twice a week at alloted times. I nkow it sounds pathetic but even tho he's left I just havent got the strength to pander to him, get told off for not calling him back, hear the snidey voice.

I guess i want some sort of contorl of my nerves in my own home. I just wish dd din't exist sometimes, becuase i cannot move on, as i get so upset when he is awful to me.

I have always done my best, but have now given up trying, cos he doesnt try. dd never speaks to him when he calls, and if he calls when she is in bed or whatever, I always tel her he has.

I am scared of him, and the way he still has this ability to make me guilty. I wish to god i had been an arse form the start for all the good its done for dd. Its always my fauly and its getting me down.

[littlewoman]

Oh dear, piratecat. No it isn't pathetic. I only ever contact xh by text. Never want to talk to him. If I'd have thought of a separate phone, I might well have done that too. You shouldn't have to feel nervy in your own home. What a state of affairs, but I also know that they can still have you by the bollocks even when they're gone. It's so hard to completely detatch them when you've got dc's.
I think another phone is a good idea. Hope you feel more in control of the situation soon.

[brightwell]

I've allocated my ex a "ring tone" on mobile & landline phones. It takes the stress out of not knowing who's on the other end. When his "tune" plays dc know it's for them.

[littlewoman]

Good plan. Pick yourself a good tune for his ringtone, piratecat. I'm thinking maybe something like 'I'm a wanker'

[piratecat]

lw, hi, does your ex never ring you, then? re arranging things with the dc's??

[piratecat]

i do that one, so that it takes the uncertainty out of it. I had Prodigy-'No good' on lol!

Its just the abusive sarky tones left as messages, that are really depressing me. The blame chucked at me, I really am living my life in a state of anxiety. Panic attacks the lot.

[piratecat]

I am just sick of him being able to comeinto my home via phone when he likes, sick to death of it. I know we share a dd, yet we don't 'saher her' do we, i look after her, he fucks her up.

[barnstaple]

Get another phone. Text him what time it will be on. Ignore everything that doesn't come through at that time. If he rings (at the right time) and is abusive tell him you're switching it off and will be able to talk to him next time if he behaves. Then switch it off. Do not turn it on until the next allocated time. Delete all messages without looking at them. If he rings while it's on and is abusive tell him you are switching it off until the next time etc etc etc

[lou33]

i think it's a good idea pirate

i spoke to my exh today, he was obviously drunk, and was calling to ask about what he was doing with the kids on sunday

i reminded him we had already discussed this when he sent me a text earlier int he week, which he said he had "forgotten about"

i said to him that he was drunk, and he said he wasnt , he was "tired"

then i got a text from him saying it was none of my business if he was pissed or not and to back off, to which i replied it becomes my business if he calls me drunk and if he cant remember arrangements made regarding the kids

tbh i wish he got drunk enough to forget my phone number completely, i sympathise with the feeling of dread when you realise who the message is from

[piratecat]

i am just not brave enough half the time. I am not brave enough to stand up to him and call the shots.

I have never called the shots since he left. I am not 'allowed' to say anything, for the benefit of dd.

Why am I so scared to say, 'this is my new number (new phone), it will be on on bla bla day and bla bla day'

I really want help with WHY or what I am scared of.

Is it becuase I have always tried to d the right thing by dd, and get walked over in the process, and tbh wish it hadn't come to this, but it HAS??

I wouldn't be obstrucing contact would I??

Restricting it tho, is this wrong?

God I sound so wimsy and silly, I am an intelligent person FFS. I just got so much abuse a few weeks ago that it made me very upset and I realised it's going to continue but soemhow I could try and control it.

You nkow what, and brain me if u like, I think i am scared of upsetting him, becuase he will be able to trun round and blame me or say I am in the wrong. Why does this matter, well i have no idea, but somehow i it does.

lou, maybe we should look for some cheap phones

[piratecat]

barnstable, you are making me feel braver!!

whats you exp? how many phones have you got!

[Janos]

Also think it's a good idea, entirely reasonable (and practical) and not at all pathetic.

He should remember he is your EX and is therefore not entitled to phone you up whenever he feels like it and chuck random abuse down the phone. If he won't then you are being very sensible in limiting your contact to what is necessary.

Good advice from barnstaple too.

[littlewoman]

If the kids are with me and he rings my mobile I ignore it. He usually rings the house phone though, and other people rarely do, so I let the kids answer the house phone.
Occasionally I have to pick up when it's him. He's not often nasty to me, just winds me up with his grandiose attitude and sneering towards me (whilst I do all the parenting).

Agree with Barnstaple's idea. Get a little control back in your life. Good plan.

[piratecat]

I blocked him from emailing me, when he suddenly emailed me, (had got the addy form his mother)so that was quite brave.

AND he left an answer message which i deleted b4 listening too.

rebel huh.

[Janos]

Why am I so scared to say, 'this is my new number (new phone), it will be on on bla bla day and bla bla day'

If you are scared to say it to him over the phone then could you send an email, or a letter ?

I do understand that feeling totally.

You're not silly. My XP still has that effect on me sometimes. And you're not restricting him! I'd say - and I could be wrong - that he is using all the phone business as a way of retaining some sort of control over you.

You are right to take control back by limiting the contact he has with you.

[sasquatch]

I would definately get another phone, and if you dont want to say it to him then write it down. Tell him when the phone will be on for him to speak to your daughter, and arrange the contact by letter in advance, you dictate the times you want.
That way he has no reason to contact you.
I went through this and am right behind you, you can stand up to him.

[piratecat]

ok, i am going to think about this very hard.

I have my old mobile, which was a PAYG. When I went onto a contract I took that number with me (both orange) to the new phone.

I have just got my old phone out, it has a sim card in it but it's not doing anything as I guess its de activated?

I have a new sim card in the drawer, what do I do now? Can I put that in my old phone, and if so do I have to get it activated, and will i get a new number?

sorry, i am a techno phone twunt.

[lou33]

there is nothing wrong with giving him a new number

he is still able to get in touch about the kids so he can just get over himself if he doesnt like it

my exh still expects me to pick him up on sunday so he can take the kids swimming btw

i told him to feel free to make his own way to the pool, and he was oh no please pick me up from the station

funny how he can be nice when he needs to eh?

[gillybean2]

If you get a new phone tell everyone else that is your new phone and use the old number for your ex. Otherwise he'll only ring the old number when he gets no reply on the new number, whereas if he doesn't have the new number he can't call you.

It's not unreasonable to limit the time you take calls. Your children need you and you shouldn't live your life by your phone. I for example never answer the phone when i am cooking dinner, bathing my son, helping him with his homework or reading him his story. Doesn't matter who it is. And what if I am in the shower? I wouldn't even hear it ringing! If i don't feel like answering at other times i simply don't. If people want me to call them back then they will leave a message, if they don't then they don't. I am afterall allowed to watch a film in peace, or ignore the phone if i have vistitors or god forbid go to the toilet (and i'm certainly not rushing to answer the phone then!)

Make it clear to your ex that he can text you at anytime and you will reply when it is convienient but it should only be in regard to the children. Also he may call you only in an emergency or if he needs to discuss something about the children with you directly. If he calls about anything else, or twists things etc tell him clearly 'this isn't related to the children so I am hanging up now', and then hang up. If he calls back and still isn't talking about the children repeat above and switch your phone off.

If he gets annoyed with you not answering then tell him he needs to leave you a message stating why he called and you will call him back when it is convienient for you.

If he is simply ringing to speak to the children then arrange a specific time and or day he can call at and let the children answer once you are sure it is his number and then when they are done hang the phone up, you don't need to speak to him at all! If he tells them to put you on then simply say you're in the middle of cooking and will call him back later. You shouldn't really discuss things related to the children with the children within ear shot anyhow. If he wants to get hold of the children at other times and you are happy for this then suggest he gets them a phone he can call them on directly (assuming they are old enough), but make it clear the phone stays at home and he can call on weekends between 9am and 6pm and weekdays between 4 and 6 for example. If the children don't answer that phone it is because they are busy...

He wouldn't like it if you were calling him all the time and expected him to drop everything right away. So don't feel guilty when you don't do the same. You're a mother, you have your hands quite full enough without worrying about the phone ringing.

[barnstaple]

Piratecat I have no direct experience, but I have a friend who had a very abusive x who was constantly phoning and abusing her etc etc etc. We didn't think of this solution, but she got police involved and ss and he was served with a non-molestation (?) thing and had to stop phoning her. Contact with her dc was through a third party.

The guy was a drunk and a twat (he was an old friend of dh who describes him thus). We used to bump into him a lot before we moved away, and he was always moaning about how hard-done-by he was etc. Everyone knew what a twat he was, so mostly people just mm'd at him and wandered off as quick as poss. I nearly had a go at him once, but he's a lot bigger than me and I know he is capable of breaking down doors so backed off. Cowardly. My friend forgave me though.

[sasquatch]

put the new sim card in the old phone and you will have a new number to give ex purely for contacting kids or you in regard to kids at a time convenient for you all.
Go for it.

[sasquatch]

By the way pirate, once ex had no way of tormenting me, he did give dd a hard time on the phone at meets etc. But it sounds like your dd as she didnt want to speak on the phone either. After a while he gave up altogether, I believe as he couldnt get to me.

[piratecat]

good points gilly.

dd is 5 nearly 6. My current phone is a more modern one and the one I use every day. When I said about getting a new phone, i thought abotu using my old phone. You are right, he would keep ringing the number he has now.

When he rings, I always answer it, as dd will not answer thephone, mobile or home, as she is worried it is him. I answer it, ask her if she would liek to speak to him, she says no, and thats it. He asks nothing of her, her day, her wellbeing, almost expcets me to fill the silence, but I havent done for a about a yr, i just say goodbye.

I wonder if I can transfer my contract number to my payg, with out leaving the contract, as I have a good deal and it provides internet, and get a new number for my contract phone.

[piratecat]

sas, how old was your dd when she didn't want to speak on the phone? plus if he gave up altogether what sort of effct has that had?

barnstable, I have no idea why i havent thought of this before. you always hope things will improve, but it hasn;t and my state of mind is suffering.

I spoke to my solicitor a few weeks back, who when i told her of all the obstruction he give me, re tryign to work out the best, said, 'just only converse by royal mail from now on'

to which i said 'then nothing will get done, spoken of, as he won't hear of it' guess thats the answer staringme in the face, its about EFFORT isn't it, and like I said before, its HIS choice to behave like this.

[CrackerOfNuts]

Hi Pirate

I think it is a fab idea. I have already fished out a spare sim to put in my current phone and the sim i had been using is now going in an old phone which will only be on when the kids are with xp.

I am also thinking about not making Ds see his dad at all if he doesn't want to. Not 100% sure yet, still mulling it over.

[piratecat]

so nut, are you not worried that ex will not be able to have contact via phone with the dc's?

I am hoping to give him restricted times in doing this, but still he wil be having contact.

I know your ex lives nearby, so prob arranges stuff with you more face to face. my ex is about an hour away.