when do you stop being angry?

[taken4granted]

bit of a rant really e xp walked out on me and dd 3 weeks ago now totally unexpected and have been switching from moods of utter devastation and total anger/bitterness neither of which are nice for my dd and I have to hide them and bite my tongue in front of her. Was just wondering how long is it before these feelings subside into a more constant theme ? Im pretty sure Exp has someone else but denies this and also just found out that the mortgage deal is up in 3 months and he wont want to redo another deal so will have to sell house thing is equity is about 200-230k total im entitled to 50% jt mtge nut that wont buy a studio flat let alone a 2 bed house where I live and my wages are less than £500 a month so up the preverbial creek without so much as a stick let alone a paddle. Exp wont speak to me prefer e mail - He told me he was leaving by e mail! so that doesnt help I just keep wanting himn to fall under a very fast moving train at the moment I hate him so much and really want to get past this for the sake of my dd but once shes in bed those feelings are totally freeto roam about my head alwso very lonely pnce shes gone to bed and sure he has another woman - he has a secret mobile number so hes off enjoying himself whilst Im stuck at home holding the fort I feel like but for my dd Ive totally wasted the last 13 yrs of my life sorry to go on everyone just very very fed up!

[littlewoman]

Oh, T4G, my heart bleeds for you. I have been there and felt that, and I wouldn't wish it on anybody (except xh and his ow. Ok. I'm vengeful).
Nobody can tell you how long it takes to stop hurting. I hated the fact that my head would just NOT SHUT UP about him. Asleep, awake, it was all about him and how much I hated him. Couldn't think of anything else. I expect this is not making you feel any better. In all truthfulness, I am able to hold a short phone conversation with him these days - and that is four years on. I still hate him, but in a "you are such a tosser" way, rather than a "I'm going to stab you in the head when you're not looking way".
I'm rambling. I suppose all I mean is that it does get better. They reckon it takes one week of recovery for every month you were together, I think? Wishing you some peace inside your head, just now.

[snotbuster]

Sorry to hear this. Have you seen a solicitor about the situation with the house? Hope that's not a ridiculously obvious question but I would've thought you'd be able to stay if you're there with the children.
I am about a year post split (though I got XP to leave due to bad behaviour). It has got much easier - I still have moments of rage/hatred but they are occasional rather than constant.
Think it's only natural that you feel the way you do at the moment (esp. as he's been an utter shit) but it's a hard place to be. Have you got friends you can call/get to come round? Hope things get a bit easier soon

[birky]

I was wondering this too. Its 5 weeks sinc xp walked out on me and dd and my moods are constantly changing, moreso when dd is in bed and ive got more time to think.

Found out today from xps mum that his new fancy piece has asked him to move in with her. They all claim he's only been with her 3 weeks but I think it was going on while we were together. My xp also has a new secret mobile number

[goingbonkers]

My situation was very diff from yours but I still had a lot of anger. Like littlewoman I eventually reached the "you are such a tosser" stage.

From an emotional point of view it's impossible to say how long it will last but in a practical sense, you need to get some advice on your financial situation. Try looking at entitledto.com (sorry - don't know how to do links!) and ring tax credits as soon as poss to advise them of your change in circumstances.

You could also contact citizens advice or a lone parent advisor at the job centre.

Just to give you an idea - I work 16 hrs and get just under £400 a month. I get working tax and child tax creds and a small amt of housing ben. Don't forget to claim 25% off council tax once you are living apart!

Try to concentrate your energy on your DD. It's bloody hard but you have no choice but to get through each day. I really feel for you. Be strong, you will get through it and at some point you'll get to the "tosser" stage! Get some friends round and take any help you are offered.

I will be thinking of you.
xx

[Remotew]

I hope you realise that you are not alone. Just keep posting on this site if you feel you need to let off steam out of RL. The best advise I can offer FWIW is to concentrate of what's best for the children. I know this is hard but in the long run it is the way to go. Good luck to you.

[glitterfairy]

You poor thing. You are in shock and grief and it really is no wonder you are all over the place.

FWIW I would just go with it and dont fight it on an emotional level. Also I think it ok for your dd to see you are upset because she knows it has hurt you and that when these things happen they affect people. My dcs were very upset by my x not showing any emotion at all ever and saying we should move on all the time after a 15 year marriage.

I do think you need some practical solutions though and you may well be entitled to more than 50% so see a solicitor if your x cannot be more reasonable by email.

[littlewoman]

Agree with GF. However I needed to work through it, I didn't fight it. If that meant hanging up on him, not answering the door to him, txting him to tell him he was a tosser, I did it (I wish I hadn't now, but there you go). It's like childbirth. I know it hurt so much, but I can't feel it anymore - not for me anyway. I'm still annoyed for the kids. You don't F* up kids, in my book.

[SusieHughsie]

Sorry, dont have any advice to offer but just hope you stop hurting soon x

[gillybean2]

Were you married? You refer to him as exp rather than exh so I am asusming not. If the house was bought in both names you might still have a claim to more than half as you need a home for your child. However whether you can afford to keep running that place on one part time salary is anotehr question.

Big decisions to make and a very difficult time emotionally to be making them.

Go to your doctor and get something to help you sleep. I put this off for years, but finally did it a few months ago and it helped me so much to get back on an even keel and simply getting enough sleep helped me deal with a lot of the stress in my life and to be able to focus more clearly. The doctor gave me 4 weeks of sleeping pills, i only used 10 days of them as I was worried about getting addicted to them. But i wish now i'd done it years ago.

Speak to the CAB about what you may be entitled too re the house, and what they suggest you do re the mortgage being up for renewal etc.

Phone the tax credit helpline, or put in a claim online. If you are working 16 hours a week you will get WTC and CTC and possibly other benefits like reduced council tax and help with childcare. Do not be afraid to use childcare to take a break as well as when you're working. I sometimes leave my son at holiday club for a couple of hours longer rather than drag him round the supermarket with me which stresses us both out and takes twice as long.

Ask your ex what he intends to do about providing for his child. Point him at the CSA website and suggest he uses their calculator and you come to an agreement between you now. If he starts umming and ahhing about it and not giving you anything put in a claim with the CSA right away as they only backdate calculations from when they receive your application. Though if you can get an agreement between you and he sets up a standing order directly too you it's normally better than using the CSA. But clearly only if he pays what he should when he should.

Call on friends, family, neighbours for help. You'd do the same for them after all, so don't be afraid to ask for help now.

And don't be afraid of your emotions. Yes you want to protect your child as much as possible. But she needs to see that it's ok to have feelings and be upset. Don't bad mouth her dad in front of her, but do let her know you are sad right now and that you like cuddles to make you feel better and that you love her very much.

Try and take some positive action rather than just letting everything go on around you because it's too hard to deal with. It is very hard to deal with, but you have a beautiful little girl who needs you. Think about what you need to do for her in terms of a home, food, love... and the rest will follow.

It will get easier, but not any time soon i'm afraid. Stay strong.
Gilly

[taken4granted]

Thanks everyone It is hard - I dont have any family (they are in Australia) and his friends/family are with him and so havent been inn contact aorart from his brother who was very nice to me. Ive seen a solictor and managed to get legal aid she was supposed to be sending him a letter this week but hasnt. so in essence we are no further fwd. The solicitor is going to try and get him to agree to putting his 50% of equity in dd name so I can try and find somewhere to buy as on my wages I wont be able to get a mortgage and although I can up my hrs at work I only get £6.15 an hr so its not really worth it and to be honest I dont think now is the best time to be working extra hrs and leaving my dd shes having enough changes in her life at the moment I dont need to be adding to it. BIRKY I feel for you I know exactly what youre going through big hug from me and thanks to everyone else for their kind words of support and thoughts.( Still would love him to fall under a train mind) Have to meet him tonight to discuss whats going to happen with mortgage - I think I might want to kill him or at least pour a very large glass of red wine all over him when Im there - but obviously cant as I need to be nice to him at the moment inn order to get him to agree to a reasonable amount of maintenance. CSA will only give me 15% max of his egs - which Im not greedy however but when hes on £100k+ about another £50 in bonuses which wont be accounted for it seems pretty unfair he can s till afford to live the high life driving his porsche 911 on the beer all the time fancy restraunts whilst we struggle and I count pennies crikey even a happy meal will be a big treat.

[gillybean2]

His bonus should be taken into account, it is part of his earned income. Of course he might 'forget' to tell them about his bonus so make sure the CSA know he gets a bonus and how often and say you want them to get his P60 or payslip showing his bonus and or his SATR (Tax Return) if he doesn't send them details which includes that.

Gilly

[birky]

My xp is financially doing my head in. He won't pay maintenance but can afford to be buying clothes, putting sound system in his car (which is a rusty little banger haha) and plus working loads of overtime too. We were private renting but the tenancy was in my name and everything in the house except the tv was mine. I've got my gorgeous new place now with all my furniture and it's lovely and cosy, my 3 year old punto so I'm quite smug that he's gone with only his clothes dvds etc.
Its a hard struggle, I manage on a full time wage and tax credits but I don't have money for what are now luxuries, DD always comes first, I'll happily go without to buy her new clothes n things but it annoys me that he's her dad and won't buy her a thing anymore

[mankymummy]

sorry to hear you are going through this. it does get better, honestly. i thought i'd never get over feeling so angry towards my ex, i literally used to shake with rage and broke 3 phones throwing them at the wall whilst trying to reason with him.

i wish i could have fast-forwarded my emotions a year on, i wasted so much time being angry and upset (although maybe this is a necessary part of splitting up).

how did the meeting go with him? did you chuck that red wine?!!!

it gets better. truly. sending you a big hug.

[glitterfairy]

The CSA does not always take a bonus into account so make sure they do.

Gilly is right and it is important to not bad mouth your partner in front of the kids. I have agreed with their summary of my X on occasion as sometimes not doing is like refusing to validate their own feelings. It is a hard line to tread and we all make mistakes.

[taken4granted]

well I met him and he was as obnoxious as ever - he told me he would decide what he wants to do with the mortgage in his own time and he cant have a conversation with me as Im too emotional (DUH!) no I didnt do the red wine - did spill some wax on his barbour jkt though! - my hand slipped! he says I can have 50% equity on the sale the house and thats it will pay for maintenance - (didnt say how much for how long either but seemed to think I would get a further mortgage on that - erm dont know many lenders that will take maintenance into consideration - I pointed out that with about £115 equity I would have to look at moving way out of the area (surrey) to somewher a lot cheaper ie scotland up north and then how would he see his daughter then? - also offered he could see her one night a week after school when he can make her tea homework and bath her whilst I go out but at this home - he said that was impossible as he would lose his job as he would have to take a half day off work every week to do that - (now wheres his priority) I was apparantly being awkward - so I said fine then once every 2 weeks ie the week after he sees her on a saturday) he said he would think about it - hes taken her off out today and Im back to being physically sick - Im so angry that he wants to play at being the best daddy in the world - when it suits him he never had any time for her at all pre split I get so angry it really does make me vom - (Ive lost a stone in 3 wks)he cant see that Im trying to secure a place/home for dd and I nearby so she can see him regularly and still go to same school and see her friends( doesnt have many) to try and keep things as normal for her as I can - Im going to be ringing solicitor on Tuesday to get her to send that letter and to try for the other 50% equity under the childrens act - on another note entirely does anyone know the legalities of what happens Ifsomething happened to me - she was born in 2000 hes the father on birth cert - but I would like to make a will when all the financial sorted to say that I would like my dear fiends to have her and see him regularly but not he have custody of her - very morbid thinking I know but I do know this he wouldnt give her a stable home environment if anything were to happen to me.

[mankymummy]

well good for you meeting him and for accidentally spilling the wax (go for the red wine next time!).

i think thats totally out of order you having to take maintenance out of your portion of the house equity.

pardon me for saying but he sounds very controlling. hope you are ok.

what time is he bringing DD home? can you do something relaxing and for yourself before they get back?

[glitterfairy]

You can make a will which will give your friends the right to be testamentary guardian.

This means that you are trying to make it clear that this is the person you wish to bring up your children if you die. Unfortunately if your x is on the birth certificate he can dispute this in court as he wold in a residency dispute.

I have done this in my will because I am the parent with residency and the court will have to take my wishes into account if I die. This comes under section 5 of the children's act and as my X is violent and two of the children do not currently have any contact with him I know my friend would be a much much better person to look after them. My kids are now old enough though to make quite a case in court which they would do and my friend would know what to do.

[taken4granted]

dd came home at the alloted time of 5pm - he took most of his clothes which I had chucked into a bin bags in the garage as well - just a few more bits here of his and thats him properly gone (just shitty memories left) DD had a nice time she went bowling then to gp to have dinner apparantly she wanted to call me but he wouldnt let her ( no surprise there then) I have said he can see her one night after school before we go away on hol 5th April - Im actually starting to look fwd to that now a week skiing with her hot chocs on the slopes and 5star catering when we get back to chalet - that will be a lovely treat no cleaning cookingfor a whole week bliss. Ill definately do the will thing for what its worth exp wasnt physical abuse (mentally deffo) but he just wouldnt be able to look after her at all - crikey he moaned when I offered he could see her 1x per week fter school that he couldnt possibly keep his job if that was the case - This just goes to show exactly what his prioirites are - do you know he wouldnt even let dd in his beloved porsche with shoes on - no matter what the weather she had to take them off before she got in the car - whats worse I let him get away with it -Plonker! Yes ex p loved the fact that for 6 yrs i was a sah mum and only just returned to work albeit my earnings capacity is significantly lower than what it used to be - but I do have a job thats term time only and school hrs and they at work are fab - he never appreciated how much it would cost in childcare to replace me being at home with her - When i did have a pt job before I paid all the nursery fees and basically earned less than £50 per month - I cant belive Ive been so stupid as to pay all the childcare costs out of my wages hence why he just doesnt appreciate my role as the parent. I could quite easily go bck to ft work and earn more but he wouldnt shell out on costs for looking after her or indeed do the inset days let alone school holidays childcare plus at this stage I dont think its a good idea to put her into childcare after school etc with everything going on she needs to have some stability and reassurance that all this isnt her fault. I even feel good for not shredding his clothes/spilling his very expensive aftershave I bought him all over them either - this surely must be a very good sign..... I AM THE BETTER person.

[mankymummy]

good for you my love. [hug]

[taken4granted]

Oh I suggested he can see her after work once a week and he said I was being unreasonable as I know thats impossible for him - He used to leave for work at 7.30amd and not get home till &.30pm every night as he works up in London we live in Surrey. Funnily enough he thinks that he he throws some money at me all will be sorted well actually no - its about time with her - he cant get a grip on that one - Ive always been a firm believer of your get out what you put in with kids and unfortunately he never really put anything in with her - in the early days I couldnt even go shopping for an hr on a saturday morning without dd screaming her head off she hated being with him as all he did was watch sky sports - now he just buggered off and played golf all day.
AM92 if you want to mail me [email protected] we do have similar strifes ahead of us and Im happy to be a friendly ear if you want. Its really diffcult I agree especially at night times when dd asleep and Im on my own to think about everything I have a feeling that today is going to be a sad day with a return of sobs. Woke up at 5.30am today as usual will definately think about getting some sleepin tabs from DR life must be easier with a bit of sleep. Hope you Ok as well and up to now had a nice easter given the situation.

One thing that really gets me is when I do speak to him he asks how I am - as if Im going to say absolutely bloody marvelous actually never better - I look like shite its pretty damn obvious how Im feeling.

[glitterfairy]

Get a sleep CD first. I refused to get pills and in the end was better for it. My sleep CD really helped and relaxed me and I also started meditation.

I then used to wear a rubber band round my wrist and every time I thought about X and it got more and more like ruminating I would flick the band.

I also had a very clean and tidy house as i used to get up and do housework, a job I really loathed. If I woke up I had to get up and do something awful. I soon stopped as I didnt want to get up and do the job!

[littlewoman]

It made me so sick that xh spent his whole life OUT of the house, then becomes world's best dad once he'd left home. It makes you feel like his problem with being at home had been you and you alone. Actually, his improved fathering is caused by a huge guilt complex he is feeling for letting your child down. As well he should be.

[maltesers]

i know how you are feeling.... its a horrible time but remember you will get through it and things never stay the same forever.. These terrible times are said to make us stronger.. and it really does. I have had a tough time, divorced once, then split from my ex partner 20 months ago,. with our 7 year old in tow,. I hate my Ex in many ways, and wish he would go under a double decker at speed. Actually better Amoebic dysentery ... or poisoning !!!! So i can relate to how you feel..