Ridiculously self-indulgent topic but anyone else stuck in the same situation?

[Justtwosecondspoppet]

I've got a dd (4) and have been on my own with her from 4 months. Have been incredibly broody ever since having her and the older she gets the worse it becomes. Have been single now for nearly 4 years-there is nothing inherently wrong with me I don't think-am slim, normal height, behave (unless dd winds me up too much!!) have two arms and legs and have nice house and job, but no one seems to want me! Or if they do they want me for the house and the job and hate/can't cope with dd.
I so desperatly want another dc, but want to try and do it properly, i.e., have a stable relationship, live with the dp/dh, get dd totally comforable with the set up etc, but I can't see any baby resolution for at least 5 years in that case, providing I meet someone (!?!), and so feel it would be v unfair on her as the age gap would be far too great. Has this ever happened to anyone and worked?

[bluejelly]

I am in a similar situation tho haven't resolved it (my dd is 8)

I don't think it would take 5 years to get sorted with someone else though... I very nearly got to the point with my last bf, and we were together for 3 years.

I am sure you will meet someone lovely and have another baby -- it's just a question of being patient and maximising your chances!

[Justtwosecondspoppet]

Thank you bluejelly-I have never been any good with patience!! . I get so envious when friends have babies/announce pregnancies/marriages/moving ins, and I am not a jealous person! Argh!

[skyatnight]

I've thought this through like you have, about wanting a second child, wanting to do it properly, and also reckoned on about 5 years to be really secure in a relationship before having another child. But, as we all know too well, there are no guarantees in life, even if you play by the rules. I'm not sure what the solution is though?

When I can summon enough energy, I might date again, but I haven't for the last three years and, as I am now 40, I've more or less resigned myself to not having another child. It's not that it couldn't happen, it's just that it is less likely and I want to concentrate on and be grateful for what I've got. I am reconciled to it.

If you are younger, there is of course more time and scope. These things can happen when you least expect it and there are stories of lovely men who are only too keen to take on children from other relationships.

It is depressing but I suppose not altogether surprising that some men are more interested in your house and earning potential than you and dd. Oh well.

[Kewcumber]

well I didn;t do things "properly" went ahead with DS wihtout a stable relationship (unless my relationship with my mum counts!). I hope to add a sibling for him at some point in the next few years too. IF a relationship tunrs up great but if it doesn;t I will have a fab family anyway!

[FloraPosteschild]

Hmmm, I understand this well!

I was very keen for another child, but there was no boyfriend - the first one I had when Ds was 2, was a nutter - that didn't last long - the second, a year later, was also a nutter but I didn't realise this before becoming pregnant. I had this crazy idea he was perfect.
I now know that 5 months is not long enough to suss someone out.

Still, I do have two children now - it isn't very fair on them, as they have only one parent, but I feel less broody than I did with only one child...

Next time would have to be different...you are right to wait. Most definitely!

[Kewcumber]

for the avoidance of confusion, DS was adopted!

[FloraPosteschild]

That's a good point Kew! Actually we know someone else single who adopted - if she can do it, and you can do it, there's no reason my children shouldn't be Ok

[Kewcumber]

my attitude for anyone who challenged me (and there were a few) was - what about all those children being brought up in the war (and many afterwards as well of course) in single parent families. There wasn't a wave of badly behaved dysfunctional children in the late 40's. It's much more to do with your attitude to them and how you raise them.

Of course I would love my DS to have a father that adores him but I would much rather that he has a mother that adores him!

[lostdad]

It's something I think about, too. I'd always thought that one day I would be a dad and for a few years now have felt paternal. I always wanted to be a young dad'.<br /> <br /> My ex left a year ago unexpectedly when our son was three months. I feel like I've got a set of keys but no car. I feel utterly useless - like a paid up member of the parents club' - and have suddenly been thrown out for no reason and with no explanation.

No one else is on the horizon. I'm normal' too - reasonable job, own my own house, quite fit and quite frankly want to be husband with a wife and kids and do all the normal' stuff. I'm not an alky, a criminal, a druggy, obsessed with cars, 42" plasma TVs or computer games.

But I worry - if I met someone [b]tomorrow[/b], after the bruising experience I've had, that it would be at least 5 years until I was ready to think about being a parent with someone else....which would be a big gap for my son - [b]and[/b] I would be an old dad.

[Kewcumber]

how old is "old" though - I'm 43 now (DS is 2) and it would likely be 3 yrs before another DC came into our family so at 46 I'd have perhaps a 5yr old and maybe a 1 yr old.

I don't feel too old.

My mum is 69 and she seems quite young to me!

[Kewcumber]

and you can only deal with the situation as it is - if it were another 5 years before you had more children - would it be better for your DS to have no siblings or siblings older than him?

My bro is 5 yrs older than me and my sis 4 yrs older. I didn;t have much to do with them growing up because of the age gap, however they were still part of my family and now the age difference feels like nothing. They are my family.

[skyatnight]

Are there any restrictions on a parent's age for adoptions Kewcumber?

Thinking aloud, I have vaguely considered the idea of adoption or fostering (as opposed to giving birth to another child), but not really looked into it in any depth. As I said, I have more or less reconciled myself to having an only child.

It is a big decision to adopt (although the decision to have any child is a big one). It is also a slightly different prospect if you already have a child that you gave birth to. I would feel very responsible if I adopted and either child ended up resenting the other, although that is negative thinking and I would hope that I could manage things so that this didn't happen.

I don't feel broody. I just would have loved to have a bigger family and to see my children playing together. I am concerned that dd won't have a brother or sister to share her troubles with when she is older but family is not the only kind of support network.

I don't think the age between children is too much of a problem. I would have liked at least another child but I started quite late and, personally, I don't think I want to carry my child-bearing years into my 40s. I am also slightly concerned that I might die young and not be around long enough to provide the security that children these days need into their 20s and even 30s. (I realise some of this may sound a bit odd but it's just my feelings about myself not other people's situations.)

[MotherFunk]

Message withdrawn

[Kewcumber]

It is a huge decision to adopt and frankly it isn't only your decision. You would discover that your GP, random friends (as referrees) your bank manager, employer, social worker, the potential childs social worker and the adoption panel you have appear before, all have some input into the final decision!

Age and lack of a partner would impact on your likelihood to get a certain type of child - the more "perfect" an applicant you are the more likely you are to be matched with a young child and one without special needs. So it isn't really a black and white decision on age its just one of the things which goes into the pot to decide which child is most suitable for you.

[FloraPosteschild]

Gosh, that is interesting...I would have thought that a so called 'perfect' couple would be the best option for a child with special needs, in terms of evening out the balance of advantages/disadvantages - no disprespect to people on their own (I am) but I know how hard it is with a NT child, when there is just one of you.
That's why I fought to get my son into a middle class school with a low percentage of SEN kids - not because I thought the kids were bad but because I thought he would get more attention at a school with fewer needy children.
And I see him as disadvantaged being with me - not really because I'm a single parent but because I am sometimes depressed, and this makes his life less than ideal.

[FloraPosteschild]

I hope that post didn't offend anyone, there are so many bits of it that could iyswim...just my own experiences and viewpoint, all families are different.

[snotbuster]

This is an interesting thread for me - know I stayed in a crappy relationship with XP for too long because I was desperate to have a child (in my mid-thirties) and thought it might be my last chance. Now, heading for 40 and single I would love DS to have a sibling but am terrified of making the same mistake again. It's crazy - like I make these age deadlines up and then convince myself I have to stick to them.

[Kewcumber]

Flora - when I spoke to the social worker about adopting originally, she said I would probably be matched with a child over 8 who had been sexually abused and they wouldn;t want to place with a man in the family. I did ask her whether she really thought that the best place for a child with such specific needs was with a single working woman with no previous paretning experience! I would consider it but not until I'm older and can semi-retire and have more experience as a parent. So I do know what you mean. Howver there are children with special needs out there who are manageble as a singel parent though you would need to carefully consider the dynamic with your existing child. In general its best to have the adotped child younger by a fair gap in order for it not to be too threatening to your bio child. If you adopt a very young child I don't think there is much issue with adopted vs bio provided you're not silly about how you handle it.

Bizarrely having originally wondered how I would feel about an adopted child, I know look at DS and know that I love him absolutely because of who he is, because he is so lovely, not because I made him or because he was a part of me or anything like that. If it were possible (!) I would worry about whether I could love a bio child in the same way!

[FloraPosteschild]

That's fascinating stuff Kew. I like and totally relate to your rationale at the end - having really struggled with ds2 all the time I was pregnant, because his dad was such a sh*t, and then finding immense love just came out of nowhere when he arrived - I know now that babies and children bring their own love.
The father I know who adopted a 15 month old with his wife, (now nearly 3) said he wanted to be a father, but it didn't matter if the child was 'his' just that he was in that role.

[Kewcumber]

It has really amazed me how the fact DS was adopted really ceased to matter once we had bonded. I thought it would be one of those things hovering in the background all the time (particularly as he doesn't look much like me - see profile photos!) but I just don;t think about it at all most of the time. And when I do its with awe and wonder that I managed to bag him!

[FloraPosteschild]

Oh how beautiful he is...and you are!!!

[piratecat]

lost dad, how close are you to Devon !!!

[Kewcumber]

psml Flora - I'm absolutely not beautiful! Just chose the better photos... Ds however is georgous - even more in RL than photos.

[FloraPosteschild]

Oi Piratecat - I was thinking similar but too refined to post it!!!!!

[lostdad]

Well, let's just Kent is closer to me than Devon...!