Need advice please please before i go MAD!!!!!!

[notnuftime]

Didn't know where to put this so i figured this would b best place.im single mum to two children(was married but didnt work out with the dad)have met someone new,we have been together for about 3 years.I live in a rented house and he has his own house but he spends more time at mine.we cant live together because he has mortgage on his house and he would be off the property ladder if he came in my rented house plus he cant afford the rent.i suggested buying a bigger property(his isnt big enough)and he said he couldnt afford to,i would lose my income support and child tax credit he would shurly have to support me and the children from his earnings?i cant work due to ill health but god i feel so guilty!!we have huge rows now were i end up crying cause i cant give him any money (i put clothes in with the weekly shop for the kids and he expects me to pay him back)i already pay for the utility bills ie:gas,water,electric,etc....he pays for the weekly shop which he moans about saying it is too expensive well i thought that was what happpens when you have kids!!!My exhus pays £50 every 2 weeks for the kids but that doesn't pay for their school uniform or shoes.I don't know what to do am i being unreasanable should i grin and bear the pain and go out to work???what are the rights and wrongs when you meet new partner should he pay for them should he be asking for money back when we do weekly shop and i put some items of clothing in there?I still owe him about £200 from things i have asked him to pay for as i needed them and as long as i paid him back thats ok but how do i pay him back????please please can someone give me advice HELP!!!!!!!

[amisuchabadmummy]

How much time does he spend at your house?
Is the weekly shop all he pays for?
What happens about stuff like his washing etc.?
Did you talk about money before he started staying at yours?

[Tinkerbel5]

It might be the case of all or nothing because at the moment it lookes you are running the household as housemates, if he lives with you then he is taking on your children as his own and should be supporting them.

You should either get him to rent out his property and move in with you permanently, or dont have him living with you at all
and claim as a single parent, by the looks of it you would be better off, are you claiming housing benefit anyway as some LA's have a policy of no house guests at all or they will be liable for your rent. I noticed you said you are too ill to work, have you looked into applying for IB as that is not means tested.

I dont want to be mean but he seems a bit 'this is mine and that is yours' kind of bloke which is selfish if you are living together

[ZZMum]

well never been in your situation but I would be a bit p'd off if someone was throwing in clothes to a shop and expecting me to pay for them, without a disucssion first!

I do not think new partners pay for kids until there is a lnong term commitment in place... what struck me about this post is it is all about your need for money from him without any discussion of how you feel about him, how he is with the kids, do they love him etc?

Would get that sorted and also review mainteance from X-H. Also review your health -- are you too ill to work or not? If not, get out there and get a job.. if you are too ill, you need to talk to partner about what you need from him...

[FiveFingeredFiend]

you owe him?


I despair!

he won't come off the property ladder.


Neither of you have enquired about how your benefits & wages will work out - CAB etc or wwwentitledto.com ( or .co.uk)


I think he likes your vag dear.

[notnuftime]

in reply to ZZmum i have Fibromyalgia can't work i have tried to get a job but as soon as i mention kids and the fact i am too weak to lift things they dont want to know!!the clothes i bung in or only cheapy essentials ie:knickers £3, vests £3 we talk i assumed it was ok to put these extras in now i know it is wrong so i wont do it!!!i dont want to be one of them benefit frauds,but he stays over nearly all week goes home on sunday as he has to pick up his post make sure house is ok.we shouldnt do this as i dont want to get in trouble with benefits,we have discussed the bit about him renting his property he doesnt want to yet.We are in a stable relationshipthe kids think he is ok he is a bit annoying with them he teases them too much and doesnt know when to stop,we love each other we are engaged supposed to be getting married when i ask he says not yet.when i ask if he would like children with me in the future he says ummm.i get mad peed off because he cant give me or the kids a proper answer the kids get wound up and i can understand y it is annoying when he doesnt give you an answer to a question.

[notnuftime]

I do his washing it is very confusing for me because on one hand i am single mum with benefits and on the other i have extra body in house and we seem on the outside to be a "family"i do normal stuff for him washing his clothes making his lunch box redy 4 work next day.its not all bad he washes dishes after i make tea.Am i such a bad person????
I am looking into claiming IB would get him off my back nagging me!!
Yes i get housing benefit and council tax but i pay some of the housing cause it is privte let and they will not pay all,think you are allowed to stay over 3 nights not sure but if they look into it i will b ok i hope cause he has own house own bills on house to pay so should b ok.Am i really too expensive?? i try, since break up of marriage i had to learn to budget and i buy cheapest things we dont go on holidays we cant afford to (his words not mine)ok my clothes are expensive but i am not your average size 10 so i stuggle.my daughter is not the average 7 year old in size so that is more expensive.My exhus has 2 other kids by a different person so that money is all he can afford or so he says!!please dont judge me and think i am a lazy slob sat at home wanting him to give me money all the time i have worked but now i cant wish i could help him out by working.

[Tinkerbel5]

Notnuftime seems your boyfriend wont commit to you fully, but he can land you in trouble as although he isnt living with you full time, for benefit purposes you are living together as a family and wont be entitled to any housing or council tax benefit, just because he isnt registered there dont mean he wont be seen as living there.

I think you seriously need to think about things as it stands you can be prosecuted, will he stick around then ?

From an outsider looking in he is using you hun, you have been together for 3 years and in that time he is quite happy for you to do things for him, but wont make it full time by moving in permanently and taking you off benefits, there is a reason he is hanging on to his property and its not because he wont get back on the property ladder as he can rent it out.

By the way you are not too expensive, jsut trying to bring up children with what you have got

[Tinkerbel5]

sorry didnt mean to sound harsh, but sometimes we all need a little reality check x

[notnuftime]

Thanks everyone just needed to get things of my chest.
So what is the next step do i ask him again if he will make it permanant by moving in?
I am an honest person hate telling lies dont want to get in trouble didnt realise i could b prosecuted even thou he has proof he is living somewhere else.
Also if he agrees to make it permanant what happens to money sorry to b always talking bout it but i will only have child benefit he will get working families tax credit but do i ask him 4 money?dont really know how to do it .I know he will then have to pay for bills and shopping but what about if i want to go somewhere do i have to b like a child and ask him 4 some money?do i get housekeeping?or is that old fashioned now?please help xxIs there any married mums or mums livin with partners what do u do 4 money if u not workin??do u get a joint account card and a limit so if u need anythin the money is there??

[miniandme]

If you cvome off benefits and live together you would have to put in a joint claim for tax credits,it can be awarded in your name though and in your bank account.You would need to have a serious discussion with him regards money and living arrangements etc cause you could and will eventually get into trouble with the benefvits agency as you are to all intents living together.I had a friend whos b/f was only staying 2 or 3 times a week ,he didnt contribute to the house at all and she was recently prosecuted for benefit fraud.

[Tinkerbel5]

If he moves in and rents his property out then that money can then pay your rent, then utility bills, food, clothing and socialing can be split between you, or say you pay all the bills and clothing, and he pays for the shopping and socialising or vice versa.

Maybe you can get a little part time job to help out or IB, but dont forget the working tax credits he will get will be because he will be claiming as part of a couple, and you will also have child tax credits, childcare vouchers (up to 80%) and child benefit money coming into the houshold, so its not just a case of only him bringing money into the house.

If there is a scenario of you not getting any benefits or finding work then you need to sit down and tell him you wont be able to contribute to the household, if that is a problem for him then I would reconsider your situation, being in a relationship you should gel together and it should all fall into place, you shouldnt be afraid to have to ask for some money if its needed.

[hbbell]

hi does not sound like your x is paying much my x pays more than that for one child. Just make sure you have not chosen the same sort of person this time round. I'm marryed to man two and now have more kids. It was the way he was with the first child that made me see he was the one for me : If he had not got on with her it would never of worked full time Don't think thats helped much sorry

[notnuftime]

Tink, what are Childcare vouchers you said i might get up to 80% ?what are they?? thanks for all your comments we r going to have big talk tonite and see what happens but something needs to b done cause i DONT want to b prosecuted and he still thinks its ok we will b fine hmmm we shall see.

[notnuftime]

thank you flight attendant xx before this relationship i was married to kids dad he was immature couldnt handle money,had v v bad temper (broke my mobile cause it beeped!)so we ended it he left me in debt,later on met someone else thought he was nice but he wasnt!! v v controlling ie money, what i wore,who i saw he hit my daughter so we left in a hurry while he was at work.i was v v damaged so was my kids so u see i do not want to go down that road again i feel stronger now with new bfriendbut dont think he is as controlling he does wind them up and they get either cross and hit bfriend or end up in tears, when i ask him not to do it he has silly smirk on face says he wasnt doin nothing!!hmmm i love him and readin the other things i wrote u probly think i am after his money im not i just like him to help me out sometimes i hate takin HIS money feel bad he has worked hard for that i shouldnt b askin him for it.

[flightattendant]

Oh I didn't think you were after his money, not at all! It's really difficult to work out what's fair when you're on benefit (same as me) and your partner earns.
I can see this would be a really tricky problem but as other people have said, the fact is that if you take on someone in a committed way, you also take on their kids, problems, expenses - well, I know if I loved someone properly, I'd not mind doing any of this, as long as they had a good reason for not earning, such as you do.
And as long as I knew they didn't just want me for my cash! Which I can see that you don't. I hope he realises that too.
It sounds like you've been thru a lot of sht with other partners, and this one is better than they were...I have to say, my most recent was a slight improvement on the one before him, but I found out he wasn't what I thought either. My judgment is crp by the look of it!!
Have a think and try and work out if he makes you happy - and your kids - or if it's just hard work with the odd moment of pleasure.
I hope you manage to figure it all out sweetie x

[climbingwalls]

childcare vouchers are to pay for 80% of any childcare that you need while you are working. It needs to be with registered child-care providers. For example my DS goes to breakfast club at his nursery so I can start work earlier, I got 80% of that paid, so it doesn't cost me too much. Hope that helps.

Probably wouldn't apply if you are a SAHM though.

[notnuftime]

thank you flight attendant glad someone is in the same boat(ish ) as me xxSorry to hear about your circumstances glad to know i am not the only one who makes rubbish choices LOL,hope you meet someone nice who will look after you all you sound like you disserve(cant spell sorry!!)it.

[Tinkerbel5]

notnuftime sorry you have had bad relationships (me too), but always protect yourself and your children, its ok him saying it will be fine regarding him living with you, if you get found out yes he will be fine as he has a house to go back too, but it will be you that is prosecuted.

Yes you do both need to sit down and decide where you are going and then 'go legal' if he moves in permanently, it only takes one nosey neighbour to report you and the benefits agency are cracking down hard, just wouldnt want to see you lose everything because you trusted the wrong man.

hug

[notnuftime]

thanks tink x hug
we are going to "talk" tonight will let you know what happens.

[hbbell]

Hello still thinking about you. Hope you are feeling ok today.

[notnuftime]

well we looked at the site last night to calculate the money if he moved in my place and sold his house hmmm we would be stuggling but thats normal to me.So i asked him what we goin to do ie:sell his house,start looking for new one and he said "well i got to do my house up yet! whats the rush!" i only wanted an answer he thinks im nagging him and rushin him well yes i am i dont want to b done for fraud!!!he wants to think about it but i know his thinking he leaves it till the last minute so probly his thinking will take 2 years GRRRRRRRR!!!!!!! he is so anoying sometimes thinks i spend to much but he is spending on ebay buying things he doesnt need,but if i spend money on clothes,food he hfffsss you got to reduce the shopping bill is his words hmm ok i can do that but he will b moaning that there is beans for tea EVERy night heheh should do that he would soon moan.
i love him but just so fed up of asking permission for things. He is fed up of buying us things he says he cant do it all the time duhh well why did he move in with us he knows i come as a package.!!!Sorry to whinge on and on.

[hbbell]

I think You should say that He cam only stay over 2 nights a week (only bringing what he needs in an over night bag) untill things are sorted. Then you are a lot less likley to get into legal trouble. None of his stuff can stay in your place. He has to bring it all with him when he comes. Then they cant say he is living there if there is not even a tooth brush. It will also give you both a bit of space (can you cope with out him) (can he do his own washing at his...) Learn to love you for you and your kids ........... you may descover you dont need a man or just not that man. If you learn to love you it will make you feel so much better in the end. You will have the confidence to know what you want and what is best for your family

[notnuftime]

thank you hbbell [hugs]
sounds good idea but he cant, too far too travel to his job (he got a job nearer to us)if he moves back to his place the traveling back here is too much in fuel he says.
sorry just having a bad day.