problems with my ex's girlfriend!

[joselyne]

My ex husband had an affair with the woman he now lives with. We split up 2 years ago, I never really gave him any hassle, just let him get on with things. I've always let him have regular contact with our 2 kids (every other wk end). He's getting married to his girlfriend in April, I'm glad he's getting on with his life, as am I and you would have thought that after 2 years things would be ok between us, we could get on for the sake of the children but oh no!! The reason being because his girlfriend is an absolute control freak. It's pretty obvious that she controls every aspect of his life which is up to him if he wants to live his life like that but when it comes down to things concerning the children it just takes the mick. For example, I've just seen a letter addressed to her from the CSA, about the maintenance I get for my children. What the hell's that go to do with her? Now its coming up to Christmas and we'll be sorting out the arrangements for when he'll have the kids and if I don't comply with what she wants me to do then i'll start to receive nasty text messages that she writes but sends from his phone, they were so horrid that I was getting jumpy and panicy every time my text message bleeped, I know its her because some of the words used in it he wouldn't even think of, let alone be able to spell (not being nasty but thats the truth!!) plus he's admitted to me it's her. Me and him can discuss something to do with the children and agree on it but you can guarantee that when he gets home and tells her what we've arranged, she disagrees with it and less than an hour later I'll have a phone call with him having a "mysterious" change of heart and if i don't agree, they just hound me and make life miserable until I give in. Anyway the list could go on and on forever.
I wonder if anyone can give me some advice on this as I can't go on having to do what she wants and having her interferring with my childrens lives where it doesn't concern her. The thing is she's very clever and is always one step ahead of me. But what I don't understand is why does she bother? Please help.

[expatinscotland]

You're a bigger person than I am.

B/c if I had an x who was that big of a lilly-livered wet blouse, I'd challenge his access.

[gigglinggoblin]

call csa and ask if they have been giving her info, stress that you are not happy about it and want something putting on your file that they are not to speak to her. get something in writing with your ex about contact, both of you sign it and then he cant wriggle out of it. use the excuse that you want to go to a class or something so need to know when he is def having kids. then once he has done that tell him you will get the police involved if you get any more harassing texts.

[joselyne]

i'm just too much of a wimp cos between them they make my life hell if I try to challenge them.

It is quite funny at times tho cos she just makes him look like an idiot by contradicting everything he says.

[Carmenere]

She is bothered because you have dc's with her fiancee and she doesn't feel secure in her relationship with him I'd imagine. At least it is you she feels animosity towards as opposed to your dc's.

How did you see the letter?
How about writing her a sickly sweet letter about how you are delighted that they are getting married and your are happy that you dc's will have a step mum who is caring and concientious(you don't have to believe these things, it is just a means to an end).
Tell her that you understand that the dc's access affects her too but that you find it difficult to plan things when the arrangements are being changed all the time.
And yes your ex needs a spine. But if he is not going to get one tackling her yourself, in a mature and reasonable way might just work.

[joselyne]

access is set out in terms of our divorce although he doesn't stick to it.

have thought about going back to solicitors but it was hell last time with her writing letters to them twisting everything and making me out to be awful parent and him a bloody saint. She did it very convincingly.

[joselyne]

Gonna definitely give CSA a call today. I thought things like that were confidential.

Saw letter cos she put it in kids overnight bag!!

[cyrilsquirrel]

on your behalf.

You don't have to put up with this. You know that, don't you??

How old are your dc?

I would seriously be considering denying access in your situation, or at least denying her access

[joselyne]

I'm gonna have to do something cos how long is this going to go on for? Dc's are 7 and 3 so will have a long time to put up with this if I let it carry on.

just don't feel strong enough to stand up to them.

[MONDAYANDBLUE]

She sounds insecure to me..he cheated on you with her so Leopards and spots! She will soon be the "little woman at home" and doesnt trust him 100%

Dont let her make you feel inferior...generally control freaks (and the kind of women who run off with other womens husbands) are quite insecure in themselves - genuinely clever and confident people dont feel the need to prove it constantly by putting someone else down.

Not having been in this situation before I wonder if you could get some kind of Family mediation?

You say they "make your life hell" if they start doing this on the phone say "I dont have to put up with this so I will say goodbye now" I would suggest that you get them to arrange contact by e-mail or text - if they then if they start making your life hell take the proof to a solicitor as this is bullying and quite frankly whilst he should have access to the children they should be letting you get on with your own life.

I think you need to start standing up for what you want!!

[doormat]

imo she is pushing you to STOP access and i wouldnt do that to give her what she wants

I would smile sweetly in front of him but once his back his turned, turn into a bitch from hell towards her.
Sorry but if it was me, I would turn nasty
It would obviously be out of character for you to be nasty
so your ex would not believe her.

She is a gobshite imo
and doesnt even deserve the decency of getting spoke to properly.

Time to get tough on her girl.
good luck
xxx

[joselyne]

MondayandBlue you're right I do need to start standing up for what I want. It's just so difficult when they don't listen to me or accept what I say as their final answer. Plus they've got to me so much that I get myself in such a state when I need to talk to him about the kids, I find myself shaking, sweating, feeling sick etc.

I need a starting point cos I can't carry on like this for years to come.

[joselyne]

doormat think you're right, perhaps she does want me to stop access, it does fit into place as dc's have NOT been invited to their wedding!

Don't usually see her when he's not around and she never acknowledges me when he's around either.

I've never said a bad word to her. Perhaps its time I did so she doesn't think I'm such a bloody pushover!!

[vitomum]

god, what a pair of saddos. I agree with others who say they are obviously both racked with their own insecurities and there is no way they can be in a happy relationship.

I don't have direct experience of this scenario but when people are playing silly buggers i think it always pays to keep arrangements as simple and consistent as possible. e.g. access starts and ends at exact same time every week. pick up and drop off arrangements are always the same. There is no scope for deviation from this or there will be no access.

yes it is inflexible and it would be better for everyone if there was some come and go. But i do think when dealing with people like this there have to be VERY clear boundaries until things improve. That means there is nothing to debate and argue over because the rules are set in stone

[joselyne]

I agree with you vitomum and thats going to be my starting point. Access times pickups and dropoffs are pretty precise except for when they decide to change the rules. So from now on if they can't stick to the rules they can go without. After all if I can manage to organise my life around the kids and the kids live with me why can't they. Is it really so hard for them when it's only every other wk end.

[doormat]

Jose the same thing happened to me 11 yrs ago
and my 4 kids were slowly being pushed out and forgotten about, access was stuffed up because she wasnt well or took too long as she was tarmacing her face with makeup.

Send texts back
saying kids will be ready at such and such time
dont disappoint them as they are looking forward to seeing you

[Mumpbump]

All I can say is what a crp ex you have! My dh would never allow me to mess around with his ex like this - not that I would want to... His dc were page boy and bridesmaid at our wedding! I can't believe yours aren't even invited. It's like telling them that they aren't part of the family - are they upset or have they not really noticed?

I'd be inclined to say that you're fed up of being messed around and will go to Court, if necessary, to get the access order enforced - you don't have to, but it's probably worthwhile threatening. Or next time they change the plans, say that you have already made plans and paid for your evening out and do they want to pay for the babysitter or refund you the cost of the very expensive concert (or whatever) which you will miss if you look after the children?

Alternately, start playing them at their own game and chop and change with the arrangements.

Honestly! If people can't accept dsc, they should not get involved with me with children from a previous marriage. It psses me off no end!

[vitomum]

how sad that this is part of her plan to prevent the kids seeing their dad. And what a terrible position for you because you will have to deal with the hurt when they miss out. I don't think stooping to their level is the answer because that will impact on the kids as mch as on him. However, it really is his responsibility to maintain a relationship with his kids - not yours, so that's why i would advocate the 'rules in stone' approach.

[Mumpbump]

BTW, I agree with the rules in stone as a first step, but if it isn't working, I would still cause them the inconvenience of chopping and changing. Then, when he complains, I would say, well, do you understand my position now and can we agree to have a fixed arrangement from now on which is easier for everyone? I just think sometimes people have to experience the behaviour which is upsetting you to understand why it is upsetting...

[joselyne]

they just make things a lot more complicated and nasty than needs be. Everytime he drops dc home I get a list of things that aren't right.

she's like a force not to be reckoned with and has got ex right where she wants him. if she told him that all leaves on trees were now blue not green he would believe her. This is what I'm up against.

[wannaBe1974]

I wouldn't deny access as this would be playing into her hands. But I would definitely set the rules in stone. If you and your xh have a one-to-one conversation about access and agree times etc, then stick to it. If he then calls half an hour later to change things, be very blunt and say "no. This is what we agreed, and this is what will happen. The kids will be ready at we will see you then". And then hang up. He will soon learn that you are not the pushover that his gf would have him believe you are, and if he wants to see his children, he will do as he is told by you.

As for the girlfriend, you owe her nothing. after all she destroyed your family, and IMO should have absolutely no input into what happens with regard to your children. If she sends texts from your ex's mobile, I would call it straight back, and if she answers, then say you have called to discuss the message that your ex sent, and you will discuss it with him, and only him. I would have nothing to do with her, tell her that children's matters are none of her business, and she has no input into visiting arrangements from now on.

[joselyne]

DD has certainly noticed that she's not invited to her fathers wedding and quite rightly is a bit upset about this. Ds doesn't care as is only 3 so doesn't understand properly yet. They have even taken dc to a wedding fair!!!

Things are starting to kick off again now because they don't like it cos I had to tell them (under the advice of Health Visitor) that they had to STOP telling ds off for wetting the bed or he would not be going to their house overnight again. This was on Fri, on Sun was when the letter about my children from CSA addressed to her was in overnight bag, obviously deliberately done to annoy me cos I had to tell them wot to do.

Pathetic isn't it!!

[VeniVidiVickiQV]

Agree with doormat. You need to start telling them the arrangements - not asking. Make it set. Tell him he cant change things as you have x y and z to get on with. If he is unable to have children at these set times then he is responsible for making sure he finds a babysitter - same way you would have to.

Do not discuss her. Do not include her in your childrens arrangements. Do not get involved in his lovelife. That is up to him to sort out. All you need to do is make sure he knows when he has the children - what the current issues are ie wetting the bed, and when they should be dropped off back with you. Anything else is not your concern - nor his.

[joselyne]

Its very hard to talk to ex on phone or in person. on phone you can hear her in the background sticking her nose in and he won't answer my calls during the day whilst he's at work.

in person if I start to say something that he doen't want to hear he just gets in car and drives off.

only time he will speak is when he's gonna get something out of it or when he's giving me one of her printed lists the latest of which was telling me dates of the 2wk holiday next summer for themselves and the kids that they'd booked without even consulting me first!!

It's like I have been living in a nightmare for the last 2 years.

[doormat]

ose make a long list yourself back then and put your times on it
hand it to him
and walk away
if that is the only way of communication

[vitomum]

oh, joselyne what a pair of absolute wankers they sound. Could you ask them to communicate through email? You could suggest it might be more convenient for them? would that be a less upsetting way of communicating for you?