Don't know what do do

(62 Posts)
namechaged007 Fri 06-Sep-13 11:37:41

I've been a SAHD for two years, my partner left without warning at the weekend, claiming she needed some space. Basically she took my DD for a walk and didn't come back. I haven't really been able to speak to her as she's had the phone switched off most of the time they've been away. She informed me this morning that she spent the night with her new man (presumably with my daughter there) and they plan to be together.

I'm in a state of complete shock/panic. I live in rented accomadation, have no money at all and after taking care of my daughter every day since she was born, apart from this time apart and I can't even get to speak to her. Things weren't great, I lost my job just before DD was born and money has been issue. This new man is much older than and quite wealthy and lives almost 200 miles away.

I feel bereaved, have no idea what to do, what rights I have regarding my daughter or how I can possibly cope without her.

namechaged007 Fri 06-Sep-13 23:30:06

I hope you're enjoying yourself SGB. I was informed that she wasn't returning that day, she said she needed time apart to think things through as she had "feelings" for somebody else. That was at the weekend, a brief conversation on the phone on Tuesday suggested she might be coming back at the weekend, when we were to discuss moving forward. This morning she told me that she wasn't coming back, had been at his place and they planned to be together. Despite what you appear to think, not every man is abusive, violent or controlling sometimes decent people get shat on by selfish people.

I asked for practical advice, much of which was very useful. What I didn't want to do was rake over something I still can't process properly. What I don't think I deserved was the suspicion and accusations levelled my way simply because of my gender. My role as primary carer has been essentially that of a traditional, outdated even, mother. I do all the child care, housework, shopping, etc and I had hoped for a bit more understanding. My focus has been entirely on my daughter, for her whole life and the most rewarding part of mine. If you could comprehend the devestation of what I'm going through, you'd have a long look at yourself before making snap-judgements about people in frighteningly vulnerable positions. I might be anonymous, but I can assure you I'm a real person, with real feelings and I've told you te absolute truth.

namechaged007 Fri 06-Sep-13 23:49:08

mumtobeallover - I did discuss this at the CAB and they suggested that it was indeed the case that the police would be unlikely to actually do anything as no crime would be committed. But, I can't see how I could practically stop her removing her, apart from physically holding onto her and as much as I want to hold her and not let go, I can't see it ending up in anything other than a horrible mess. I can't say for sure how I'll react, my emotions are swinging about all over the place and until we talk properly I don't know what she's truly planning.

I'm simply lost and can't process this at all rationally.

Catwoman12 Fri 06-Sep-13 23:57:01

Well said OP, I also believe if you had written as a woman, you would not have received these posts accusing you of being something you are not.

I however see why your here, looking for advice, possibly a bit support and I hope you have found that in-between the rude comments. Good luck, please let us know how it goes!

FWIW, I would refuse to let my daughter go back with her mother on Monday if she does bring her... If a woman were to go to court as a primary carer, she would get residency, i have no doubt, just because you are a man doesn't mean you won't be treated the same! Go for it.

OP, if you try to prevent your XP leaving with your daughter on Monday, you will be making a great deal of trouble for both yourself and the child. Your XP will call the police immediately, and there is a good chance that they will take her side, which will lead to an official record of abusive behaviour from you (even if you are the child's main carer, with no court order in place awarding you residence, the police will see a man attempting to physically prevent a woman from leaving and a frightened, crying child...) Don't start trying to arrange an amicable level of shared custody by having a dust-up.

As I said earlier, the fact that your XP has moved 200 miles away might make shared residence difficult but why not look into moving closer to where she and your DD are now living? I wouldn't be suggesting this to everyone in your situation but you have mentioned that you don't much like your current location, have no job and no friends there and you are in rented accommodation rather than stuck with a mortgage. Your ultimate aim is to see plenty of your DD and you need to focus on the best way to do that.

WithConfidence Sun 08-Sep-13 00:00:18

(The reason people are reacting like this is because the majority of people who are abusive are men and the majority of people who need to escape from an abusive relationship are female. So it would have been different if op was a woman posting the same thing. Also deluded people do come on here and post nonesense, sometimes even in the hope their ex will see it.)

You need to get a formal contact agreement together. See it as a businesslike negotiation. What is she proposing? What are you proposing? And hopefully you can meet somewhere in the middle. Focus on what is in dd's best interest, taking into account her normal bedtime, playgroups, contact with extended family etc. Keep calm and don't rake over what she has done, just focus on the future.

namechaged007 Tue 19-Nov-13 15:02:09

Things have moved on somewhat and I'm no longer in a state of panic. For anyone else going through something similar, the CAB were fantastic initially and were afterwards too. The free consultation was also a great help and I think simply being armed with the knowledge of what could be done and what was likely helped greatly.

I found that focussing on practcal things, making sure we didn't didn't need to move, that our routine changed as little as possible - regarding childcare, nursery, play-dates and organising what benefits we could get, what our legal position was, and organising mediation to set everything out helped me get past the hurt.

My ex didn't move from her job, although she has moved about 30 miles away from here. I got a p/t job at the weekends and a day in the week, but it is flexible enough for me to work from home for some of it which means I get my DD all week, apart from the time she is at playgroup/childminder and the weekends when my ex is away with her NM.

Just wanted to say, even though you might feel completely at sea, get the practical help you need and just busy yourself through it.

Coro Tue 19-Nov-13 15:27:12

Thank you for your update. I saw this in active convos & was shocked by the responses. I'm glad it's going ok & you kept your head.

mumtobealloveragain Tue 19-Nov-13 19:17:53

So is your daughter living with you now? Glad to hear you're in a better place now either way

namechaged007 Tue 19-Nov-13 21:17:50

Yes, she's with me in the week and with her mother most weekends.

chitofftheshovel Tue 19-Nov-13 23:13:53

Read through most of that not realising it was an oldish thread, until the update. I have to say I was totally and utterly shocked at the level of abuse thrown at you, if it had been the other way round it would have been a different story and everyone would have fought your corner. I have friends in every state of relationship, single-mums, married couples with kids, married without, couples with, couples without, single dads etc etc etc. Glad your daughter is with you now. I would consider that at this age every weekend with her NR is ok, but once she gets to school you may want to reconsider - all the slog and no quality time is not as much fun. That's my tuppance!!!!

mynewpassion Wed 20-Nov-13 15:41:27

Good for you that you were able to get your daughter back. I'm sure it wasn't easy as you can see from some of the responses on this thread and probably more in real life.

Laradaclara Wed 20-Nov-13 20:22:13

Well done op although I'm sure it's all still difficult. Glad your DD is back with you. Shocked at some of the responses you got when you first posted.

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