Can someone please help me?

(28 Posts)
ItsOkayItsJustMyBreath Sat 27-Jul-13 19:52:18

I can barely breathe through crying. DS is asleep and seems okay but I am petrified I am going to lose him to his dad.

DS is 2 and XP and I separated when he was 22months. I asked him to leave due to his EAs (threads on here).

DS stays overnight at his dad's parents house on Friday nights and he drops him off at 5/6pm on Saturdays. This has worked well until recently. Last weekend DS screamed to stay with his dad and XP said, in front of DS, please let him stay with me tonight and I'll drop him off in the morning. I really felt cornered and said okay. I have never and will never stand in the way of him seeing him.

I realised almost immediately that it was a mistake, I had given in to the tantrums of DS and XP and we agreed that it wouldn't happen again.

This evening the same thing happened so I asked XP to leave. He refused. DS was screaming that he wanted to go with his dad and was inconsolable. I kept saying to XP that DS would be fine 10 mins after he keft but he said he couldn't leave his son like this. I was completely powerless. XP then said he wanted DS to live with him as DS had said he was scared of mummy and didn't want to come home. I swear, I have never ever given him reason to be scared of me, I have never even shouted at him (I hate shouting and have walked away to calm down in certain situations). I do not know why he has said this and it is killing me.

I told XP he needed to grow up and be a parent and that's when he turned on me. I had DS on my lap cuddling him and XP was standing over me pointing his finger on my nose and shouting 'how f-king dare you' over and over again. I was so scared I almost threw up. I kept it together and managed to stay calm until XP left but now I have no idea what to do. I am broken.

I truly believe that DS is happy with me but because I am the RP I have to do all the boring daily things and tell him off etc. When he sees his dad they have lots of fun, special days out (I do do this too btw!) and lots of treats. I can understand from DS' POV that daddy seems like the fun parent and can't blame him for wantting to live with him. His parents have a huge house with a massive garden and he has constant attention and lots of toys etc there. We live in a small flat with no garden and I can't compete.

Please can anyone give me any advice on how to handle this? XP says he is going to call me in a bit and I'm so scared.

He does have a history of losing his temper but has only been physical with me once and that was picking me up to prevent me from leaving the house when I was pg.

HeySoulSister Sat 27-Jul-13 19:58:14

I would say seeing his dad is a novelty.... It's too short, he needs longer with dad. Time to get bored and time for dad to experience parenting difficulties. They would both benefit from longer weekends I think

HeySoulSister Sat 27-Jul-13 19:58:33

And maybe third party handovers

deleted203 Sat 27-Jul-13 20:02:25

Personally, I would phone the police and ask for advice. Say that your Ex-P has stood over you and your son screaming the 'f' word at you and threatening to take your son away from you. Tell them he has threatened that he will call you in a bit and that you feel physically sick. He has no right to be undermining you as a parent in this way - and certainly no right to take your son from you. At the very least, you will have logged this as an incident should matters turn nastier.

Best of luck.

ItsOkayItsJustMyBreath Sat 27-Jul-13 20:15:11

Thank you, sorry about the long thread.

XP has just called and apologised for things getting out of hand. He wants things to start again but I just don't know if I can. I realy don't think he's doing this maliciously but then I can't trust my own judgement atm.

SoulSister, I did think the same thing, that if he had more time with him then it would become boring but he's 2 and as much as he tries XP doesn't give him the consistency he needs. I think it could go either way if he were able to see him for longer and not sure whether to take the chance.

Sowornout, I know that if I had witnessed what he had just done but it were to someone else I would be saying the same thing. I have experienced DV in a past relationship and it took a long time to recover from that. XP is not like that but then I know it only takes one time for them to cross that line. I am so confused. I hate drama and don't want DS to be aware of the police side of things.

SOrry if I seem like a complete wimp this evening, I am usually a lot stronger than this in RL, it's just that my RL friends and family are not around and I needed to chat, thank you.

TheProsAndConsOfHitchhiking Sat 27-Jul-13 20:22:50

sowornout get a grip. she does not need to phone the police, that will help in no way whatsoever.

Op I completely agree with HeySoulSister You ds probably would benefit from spending a little more time with his dad and third party handovers sound like a good idea too.

ItsOkayItsJustMyBreath Sat 27-Jul-13 20:33:58

It is something I'm willing to consider.

Is it normal for a 2yo to behave like this? I am so worried it is going to damage him in the long run. And why would he say he's scared of me?

I completely agree with the third party handover and will implement this immediately. Sorry to drip feed but XP sees DS every other Monday eve for an hour (for dinner and bath), Wednesdays overnight from 6pm to about 8:30am as well as the Friday nights. It's just the Saturday drop offs that seem to be a problem.

HeySoulSister Sat 27-Jul-13 20:35:18

It's all very recent isn't it? For all of you

Give it s

HeySoulSister Sat 27-Jul-13 20:36:04


Give it some time... It sounds like it will settle down and work out in time

ItsOkayItsJustMyBreath Sat 27-Jul-13 21:56:17

Thanks SoulSister, it's been nearly 9 months since he left and I'd kind of hoped things would be better than this by now.

Gah, I've calmed down now and have a massive headache. Had a text from XP saying he wants to be friends. That is never going to happen, I'm always civil to him but that is as far as it goes. I really feel manipulated.

Billionairewannabe Sun 28-Jul-13 00:02:25

Itsokay - you are right to feel manipulated. The contact time for that age group is plenty. Your LO is just behaving as any typical two yr old. He would throw a tantrum if he wanted to stay at a play date, but you would still take him home. Don't allow the father to manipulate this into something it is not. And you should call the police - he has Shown DV as preventing you from leaving IS abuse. Don't be manipulated - you are strong and just need to stay that way, even with the tantrums. And I don't think third part handovers would help because what if that person gave in to the tantrum? Just arrange for handover in a very public place - supermarket car parks are great for that! You can then quickly distract LO with something to divert his tantrum!

ItsOkayItsJustMyBreath Sun 28-Jul-13 09:06:58

Thank you Billionaire.

Thanks for the reassurance that DS is being a typical 2yo. I really hope that's what it is, he seems absolutely fine this morning and we've been cuddling a lot.

I have called the police (non emergency number) this morning as I was up all night thinking about it. I am too frightened to talk to XP because of his threats to 1) take DS away 2) Not leave my house and 3) The aggression towards me, especially when I am holding DS. It is not right.

I told them I do not want to make a complaint and wouldn't give his name, I just need some advice as to what to do if it happens again. His aggression has escalated over the past few weeks and I want to stop it before something physical happens.

mumfor4 Sun 28-Jul-13 09:39:13

You have done the right thing contacting the police. If it happens again would you consider giving the police the full details that way it gets recorded. It may just be the reality of the separation hitting ex or it could be due to him having no control.
My exH used the bring the girls back in tears and hysteria then often used it as an excuse to snatch them back citing they didn't want to be with me. A few court orders has sorted the nonsense out. Hope it calms down. X

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 28-Jul-13 11:54:24

Something physical has already happened.

He physically touched you with out your consent in a threatening way and he did it whilst you were holding your child.

Sorry but that would be defined as a domestic abuse incident.

Third party hand overs would normally be advised when stuff like that has happened.

ItsOkayItsJustMyBreath Sun 28-Jul-13 14:26:28

Oh god mumfor4, that sounds awful, so glad you managed to sort things out. How did your XH respond to the court order?

Sock, I know deep down you're right. I feel a bit stronger today and trying to get the fight back in me to look after DS'. There is no way he's going to grow up thinking that is an appropriate way to treat anyone.

BlackeyedSusan Sun 28-Jul-13 15:58:12

i would call the police and report it on 101. he was threatening and agressive in front of your son. it really is worth getting this logged in the big picture of things. you could ask to speak to the dv team. do ecod his name and your name. if they tag your addess they will respond quickly. the situation you were in last time was violent. he was preventing you from leaving/refusing to leave and physically agressive. please do log it. it may come to nothing, but if he is theatening to take your dc and behaves like that, then you need to potect your child. contacting the police is one way to do it.

really, it is not beneficial to let him have you child for longer periods of time if he can not control his temper. can you guarantee that he can control himself around a child.. no as he has already shouted at his child and you.

i would no longer allow him into you home after that. handovers in a public place.

ItsOkayItsJustMyBreath Sun 28-Jul-13 17:21:05

I have a police woman coming tomorrow at half twelve. XP phoned me so many times today but I didn't answer, he then sent me a text saying we needed to stop bickering in front of DS.

He then called my DM and cried down the phone to her, he really is trying to get away with it. She kept conversation to a minimum and worked out that his mum will collect and drop off DS tomorrow so at least I know I won't have to see him then.

I never thought it would come to this and am still shocked tbh.

Lackedpunchesforever Sun 28-Jul-13 19:08:36

Stay strong OP. He is an abusive twat and the fact that he behaved like this in front of your son indicates that very clearly.
As an immediate action, I would insist on third party handovers. Do not let yourself be manipulated by this man again.
Well done on contacting the police smile

ItsOkayItsJustMyBreath Tue 30-Jul-13 19:16:15

Quick update:

A policeman came to visit me yesterday and stayed for just over an hour. He kept stressing the point of calling 999 if this situation happens again and it has been logged as a domestic incident (I forget the exact term used). No one is going to talk to XP about it as I asked them not to in case it exacerbates the situation.

He was very supportive and said about having public handovers or having public ones, as recommended here smile

He said that the amount of intimidation and aggression he has shown is typical of domestic abuse and that I need to take steps now to prevent it from escalating further. He agreed that it wasn't intentional (he apologises after each event) but that is not an excuse.

Thank you so much for all your wise words, I am still quite shocked as I didn't think it would come to this but looking back (oh the benefit of hindsight) I can now see that he has been manipulative towards me for years.

Lackedpunchesforever Tue 30-Jul-13 19:29:04

Glad the police have been supportive smile

Good luck with the third party handovers - do you have anyone in mind who will help?

IneedAsockamnesty Tue 30-Jul-13 19:54:05

That's good news, another thing to be aware of is that in several weeks you may receive a letter from children's services don't panic about it,its a standard letter they send to everybody who reports an incident and its toning to worry about.

ItsOkayItsJustMyBreath Fri 02-Aug-13 16:23:33

Hello again,

Just wanted to run something past you if that's okay?

I have the 3rd party handovers sorted and now I am planning a meeting with XP to get it all agreed and in writing (as suggested by the police).

How does this sound regarding visiting?

Weds 5/6pm- Thurs 7:30/8:30am (dependant upon XP's working schedule)

Fri 5/6pm-Sat 5pm

Fri 5pm- midday(ish) Sunday once a month

The last visit is instead of every other Monday 5-6:20pm as this seems to be for XP's benefit only and I think it's all a bit much for DS just before bedtime.

deleted203 Fri 02-Aug-13 17:34:27

I think that sounds perfectly reasonable, bearing in mind DSs age and the fact that you are his main carer. Any more would probably be too much for him.

lostdad Fri 02-Aug-13 17:42:51

The DV is an issue which needs addressing. Even if he IS sorry it's something that needs to be worked on. Hopefully he's doing something positive about it - anger management, counselling, etc. to work his issues out. If he isn't maybe it's something you can mention to him (in a safe and positive manner).

The contact you are proposing seems OK considering all the factors you've mentioned but it's worth thinking about the long term here: Your DS is two - what happens when he starts school? When he is 6? When he is 10?

There's no reason why a young child can't spend overnight with a non resident father (assuming the DV thing is sorted out) and progressing over time.

It may be worth mentioning to your ex and the contact you're proposing is until your DS is, say, 3/4/whatever and you can either discuss it in a year or thrash something out now if possible.

Mediation is also worth a go - but your first responsibility is to ensure your DS's safety and your own.

ItsOkayItsJustMyBreath Sat 03-Aug-13 13:03:36

Thank you for your replies, I have suggested the new routine to XP (his first response was he couldn't go 12 days without a break angry) and he has agreed to it. We are going to meet soon to put it in writing and have it official.

I completely agree that we need to be flexible and respond to DS' needs as he grows older; XP agrees to this also.

I had a call from CRI (?) and a message to call them back re the domestic abuse, I don't think I need any help but will call them back on Monday anyway.

DS is definitely aware of what has happened, he has mentioned 'daddy shouts at mummy', 'I was sad' and 'daddy doesn't like mummy but he likes me' over the past few days. I have told him that XP won't be coming to our home anymore and he won't shout at me anymore and it's okay to feel sad sometimes but everything is okay. Not sure what else I can say to that. I'm sort of glad he spoke about it to me though as, hopefully, it'll mean that if he is worried about anything in the future he'll talk again.

Thank you again.

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