Your views?..sorry, long message but I need advice/help

[Ollydoesntknowme]

First of all, may I warn you I am a man and I apologise if I have broken any rules by coming here, but please let me state my case and if I am still wrong to be here I will leave without any argument. I am the father of a beautiful little boy, although all I have ever seen of him is 3 photographs.

I just need to ask the people on the 'other side' for their honest opinions, and of course those people are single mothers. I have been searching for some help and stumbled across this site and decided to at least ask, as I have nothing else to lose now. I will keep my story as short as possible.

Last year, a few months after finding out I was going to be a father, it became alarmingly clear my partner had only ever wanted me so that she could become pregnant. I know this may be hard to believe, but when our relationship ended her actions and words made it perfectly clear. I had done my bit and was no longer needed. When my son was born, although I was informed by my ex's mother, when I asked to see him, she (my ex) told me I could not.

Now I grew up in a fantastic family home, 2 parents and a brother. But my own mother was a childminder, and I was raised alongside many other kids, a LOT of which came from broken homes, and I saw first hand just how it affects kids.

The reason I mention this, is that I know I can drag this all through the courts to get a chance to be in his life, but I made a decision not to... the reason why?.. well, having seen what happens to kids when parents war with each other, I dont want that for my son. I dont want to put him in that place where each parent is constantly sparring to go one better than the other, or is complaining about what the other one did last week.

BUT.. this is where I need your help. May I ask your opinions on this? I think about my little boy every day, of all the things I have missed and all the things I will miss. I don't want him to grow up and think I didnt love him, I want him to know I believed I was doing right for him.

I have read some of the threads discussing actions between parents, and one about not wanting your ex's to have your children in the events of your demise...but I know I can be a great Dad, I just dont want to make my boys life so complicated by just being selfish and wanting access.

Does anyone understand?.. I could really use some help right now

[KommandantColditz]

ODKM

I have no advice to give you, but keep this bumped, this board moves fast. I am sure someone here can help you.

[tenalady]

oh yes I do understand. This is a very awkward and painful situation to be in. No doubt you will get very mixed emotions and come out of this totally confused at the end but bare with us eh! My opinion would be to stay away to avoid conflict as child is only used as the pawn. At the end of any fight over children it is ONLY the children that suffer. Oh I do feel for you but if you are doing this for the good of the boy I would send a few letters to ex keeping copies for your self so that if little fella comes looking for you, you can at least show that you tried to make contact and that you really did care but was doing it for him. Good Luck x

[Rhubarb]

I would take it to court. Your little boy may well grow up wondering why you didn't fight to see him. I would make sure that when the time comes for your son to start asking questions, you have all the right answers. Do everything you can to see your son, you have a right to and he needs his dad.

BTW, there are many dads on here too so you are more than welcome!

[Rhubarb]

Oops! Hi tenalady! The reason I say take it to court is because your son is still very young and it won't affect him now, but it's going to eat you up if you don't do something.

Are her parents not more sympathetic? Have you offered babysitting so she can get out? Try and make out that letting you see the boy is to her advantage too. If you are prepared to be used solely for babysitting then this could be a strong argument to use.

[tenalady]

Evenin Roob

[tenalady]

bump

[bubble99]

Can I ask? How old is your son now?

I've got tears in my eyes reading your post, BTW. And my DH (husband) is feeling outraged on your behalf.

[Chloe55]

I have to say I agree with Rhubarb - if you don't fight for him he will wonder why and I think in a few years you probably will do too. The fact that you have only seen photos of him, he is 3yrs old and yet you are still constantly thinking of him proves you will never be able to get on with your life if he isn't a part of it. What right does your ex have in saying you are not allowed to see him? Sorry but she sounds like a selfish bitch maybe he needs you in his life for some stability as his mother sounds a little confused about what is righ and wrong.

[bubble99]

Sorry. he's three. I would say fight to let him know that you wanted him and love him. I don't think any child can be harmed by knowing that their dad loves them.

[vitomum]

no - he has 3 photos of him. he says he found out he was going to be a father last year so i presume his ds is still a baby? what a heartbreaking situation for you ODKM. i would fight tooth and nail for my ds - somehow dads are expected to feel differently and taht's not right. you obviously love him very much. i hope it works out.

[bubble99]

And WTF didn't she use a sperm donor if she wanted her child to have no knowledge/contact (until able to trace, if wished) with his/her father?

[Earlybird]

What a difficult situation, and I don't know what to advise. A few questions:

1. Any chance your ex would meet you to explain her decision to withold access? Could you state your case, and possibly soften her resolve?
   
2. Do your ex and child live near to you? By that, I mean - would access to the child be easy logistically?
   
3. Is your ex in a relationship? Just wondering if there's another man on the scene who would "play" daddy if you aren't present.
   
4. Have you thought about what sort of access arrangement you'd like, if it could be worked out? Would you be willing/able to offer practical and financial support?
   
5. Have you taken preliminary legal advice about how to proceed, if it comes to that?
   

Sorry to ask so many questions....

[bubble99]

Good post, Earlybird. I wish I was as calm and measured as you.

[SecurMummy]

Ok, I am not sure how much help I can be but your post made me think one thing immediatly,

It is easy to make the choice not to go to court now, but what happens in 5 years time when you start thinking you can't live with it, or that she is not doing right by your child etc etc.

If you change your mind anytime after 3 - 5 years from now you will be looking at affecting your sons life in the way you describe.

I know someone who was not bought up by his natural Mother, she decided that letting him go was the right thing to do and now - 20ish years later he still cannot get past the feeling that - no matter what you think logically - you should always fight for your child.

The other one I can cite is with someone I know very well, tehy went through 8 years trying to work it out together etc etc until things broke down, now the child is being dragged through court - just as they have hit puberty.

IMO if there is the slightest hint of possibility that court will be needed in the end then it isimportantthat it is done sooner rather than later.

Sorry this is so long and probably not much help.

BTW I think you have every right to be here - same as the rest of us, we are all just trying to get the minefield of life as best we can.

Oh, and finally (I promise!) is it more selfish to want access to your son or to deny your son access to his father - whatever the reasoning?

[Ollydoesntknowme]

Thank you for everyones input. I was honestly worried about what kind of reaction I would get.

My son is now 7 1/2 months old.

Just to say first of all, the one thing I have no doubt about is how good my sons life will be, with or without me. His mum wanted him so much I know she will give him the best of everything, just not the family environment I had hoped to give my kids.

I have so much now to think about from your comments, but all giving me fresh idea of what decisions I need to make. I have been searching around so many places for some help its left me quite lost.

In reply to some of Earlybirds comments:
She put up walls to me during pregnancy (after we had already split), we used to work together and I found out there was a problem during pregnancy.. when I asked, she told me "her body is none of my business" - even though I was obviously worried about complications with my baby. The last time I saw her in person was at the 20 week scan. I have no idea if she is still in the flat we shared, although I intend to send something for my son to that address and see what happens. I also have no idea on her relationships since we split last summer. Distance is no problem to see the little guy, if I was welcome I'd travel the country.

I offered to arrange support, but she decided not to negotiate and went straight to CSA which I am now paying to.

To Bubble99..This may seem a mad way to think of it.. but in the last few months, the only way I could rationalise whats happened.. is that the CSA cant file against sperm donors..sad but true. Using me she gets a baby and support.

Thanks again

[bubble99]

I'm still so on your behalf. Must calm down....... Are you saying that you are expected to financially support your son, even though his mother is denying you access to him??

If so, I'm really

[SecurMummy]

Oh ODKM, that is such an awfully sad closing line

I really feel for you and hope that you can find some resolution one way or another.

P.S. My ds's father decided not to be involved in his life - his choice not mine and I have the most enormous respect for him (strange I know) how anyone can make and stick to that decision is beyond me - it must take superhuman strength of character.

[Ollydoesntknowme]

Hi again.

I keep wanting to go and sleep on this now I have some things to think about, but I just wanted to throw one more question in...

Lets say I did decide to go for it, and fight for my chance to be in my sons life, and (just as a guess) a court says I can see him 2 weekends a month, which of you think your ex's have a benefial effect for your kids by having that visitation? (if any of that makes sense, Im getting tired now, been reading all day).

Basically, if I get chance to see him, and make sure I'm always there when its my chance...will it be good for the little guy, or just confuse him?

I'll pop back tomorrow, thanks again, night all!

[bubble99]

And I'm also really sad about this. Both for your little lad, and you.

[bubble99]

I'll keep this bumped .

[SecurMummy]

Night ODKN.

In answer to your question, IMO it would do nothing but benefit him, the way I see it the choice is simply to spend his life wondering who his father is and only getting his mothers version of events or having his father there for him as a real live part of him every two weeks.

Children get used to these arrangements very quickly and so do the parents. If you were asking "is it ok for him to go to his Grandparents for a night or so every week or two" then you would think that is fine of course, the fact that you are his father makes you worry more (understandibly) but does not make it any more complex for the child.

I don't know if any of that really makes sense to you I hope it does.

Hope you get some good sleep.

[BudaBabe]

Hi ODKM


I remember watching a TV chat show years ago about fathers who had lost touch/contact with their children - these children were now adults. In nearly all cases the "child" said it would have made a huge difference to know that their father had tried to maintain contact/fight for contact. In a lot of cases the father had backed away to spare the child the trauma of fighting in court. But instead the "children" felt abandoned.

As others have pointed out - best to get it sorted out now while he is still a baby.

Good luck!

[singledadofthree]

hi - have pondered this a while as more comments may just add to the confusion. you have seen kids from dysfunctional families close up and so know how a parents actions can affect a childs character. i was told long ago by a child welfare officer that children grow up more 'balanced' if they know both of their natural parents - whether they are good or bad. i would tend to agree as children look to their parents to see who they should be - gives them a sense of belonging whether or not they live with both. i have no memory of my father and have at times, been at a loss to know who i am supposed to be. that said, i was raised by a loving stepfather, but have always wondered non the less.
i also have friends who were adopted and craved to know their natural parents, they also were raised in very loving, stable families.
so i guess it's likely that your son is eventually going to want to know you. even if his mother marries, settles down and gives him the fantastic family life he needs - the time may well come when he comes looking for you.
and so that's the thing to consider. can you walk away now - which i know is what his mum wants - waiting for him to get in touch in who knows how many years? or do you simply exercise your right as his dad and apply for access. that's all you need to do. if it's done soon then he'll know nothing of any of the goings on. no doubt his mum will do plenty of the screaming banshee act but so what?
she is obviously not denying your paternity so you will have to go some to loose an access case. i also have a mate who got himself in a similar state as you. he asked the same questions and got the same answers. his ex tried to prove he had abused his own child - and went to some very extreme lengths to do it. for a time he balanced between suicide and prison, altho much guiness saw us thru. she lost of course, and he has regular access. she admitted afterward that she only wanted a child and never him.
so i guess you already know what you want to do, and you can guess at the outcome of a court case, and you know your son will benefit from knowing you. you can even hope that his mum will get used to the idea after a while. my mate is now put on badly in the school hols but doesnt mind, has become an unpaid babysitter.
but these are other people - other kids. also consider your own life, where you want to go and be. and i would try writing to his mum first, tell her how you feel, your intentions, she may well know the legal side of things. appeal, dont threaten, she may also be a mumsnetter.
whatever you do - i wish you well - and can be found here far too often :o

[fattiemumma]

take it to court. your son is younge enough (im guesing from your pst he is still a baby/toddler?) that the impact of the case will be minor. i cannot see why they would rfuse youa ccess if you have done nothig wrong and simply wish to be part of YOUR childs life.

is your name on the birth certificate? if so you have parental rights already, thuis giving you a foot in the door.

If you choose not to go via the court how about doing what my uncle does ( he has been stopped from seeign my cousins by his ex) every month he writes to the children but as he knows these letters will never be given to the kids by his ex. so instead he sends them to her local social services department. they keep them in a file for teh children so that if ever they start looking for him and they ask ss for help (thats usually the first place yoru advised to speak to apparantly) theyw ill be given the file with the letters. it will contain his most up to date info and also the story of his life.

that wya they will know he has always thoguht about thema nd it was never his decision not to be with them.

[fattiemumma]

yes i do think that in most ( not all..mine is a prime example of that) cases the chidlren get a huge benefit from knowing and being with their fathers.