Dp has his appointment thursday where we will find out the full extent of his bowel cancer and how much it has spread.
We also find out if they will be giving him palliative chemo.
He seems to be handling things quite well (we talk a fair bit about his illness when he wants to).
I seem to have adopted a cheery positive attitude when talking to anyone about his illness but inside i alternate between feeling completely flat and raging with anger.
I hate that our longterm plans have been ripped away from us. I hate that other people we know dont understand how lonely this illness has made us. I hate people telling us to enjoy every moment together - how can we do that knowing that hes going to die???
I feel utterly selfish for venting about other people. I know they just dont understand or dont know what to say but neither do I...
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Life-limiting illness
Flat and angry
Ludoole · 25/08/2014 20:30
Just realised how contradictory I sound!! I put on a cheery facade and wonder why nobody can read my mind 
I dont think anyone can win with me when im so muddled in the head...
I have no direct experience of this situation but it sounds like a totally normal and understandable reaction and if you were my friend I would hope that I would give you all the space and understanding I could.
Thankyou to you both 
.
It feels like im going out of my mind sometimes.
I think when you're going through something like this you're on a runaway train and it's hard to keep a grasp of normal life. I've just helped a friend through her husband's short illness (2 months). She phoned me when he died (at home) and I went straight round. About a week later I made reference to some of the events of that morning and she looked at me blankly - she had no recollection of it at all - it was as though she'd wiped it from her memory.
Be kind to yourself
What you are going through is shit. A few years back I had cancer and I really struggled with people's sympathy so put on this cheery front that I hid behind. Then I resented people for not being there for me 
I used to fall apart on poor dh while continuing the facade of everything is fine to others, especially family as I didn't want to burden them. Of course it worked too well and my brush with cancer became no big deal to those around me.
You are going through a horrific time and my only advice would be to let people know you are struggling. When they ask how you are, be honest. Their initial reaction may be platitudes but they may then take time to reflect and step up a bit. You need support and sometimes you need to spell it out to people before you get it.
Cancer is a bastard illness, I'm sorry for what you are going through
They are starting dp on chemo as soon as his wound has closed enough 
He was so worried they were going to tell him to go home and put his affairs in order...
He's feeling much more hopeful that we will get longer together now.
Thankyou all for the kind words.
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So much of your posts strike a cord with me and how I felt (and feel) when my DH became ill and passed.
Feeling like other people didn't get it, were saying stupid things ("just stay positive" - uh what's to be positive about? Don't you understand how serious this is?!!). That made me very frustrated. I tried to tell myself that they don't know what to say really, never been in this position.
Your comment about your DP being the only person you've instantly connected to and that you can talk to - I could have written that about my DH. I had similar thoughts (still do to be honest - coming up to a year on) and it's just our DD that's kept me going. I think the worse part of it has been the loneliness and not having my best friend my husband here to talk to.
I probably don't have anything useful to add to what PPs have said but wanted to say do take time to not be strong for a change. You need to let your emotions out. Even if it's in an empty room and you have a good scream.
theclock I'm so sorry you lost your dh
It really is a heartbreaking position to be in.
Im so glad you have your daughter to keep you going. My boys are 11 and 14 so I know I have to stay around until they are settled as adults but I do wonder how I will go on when I lose dp.
Im so glad that he has me with him through this though. I hate what hes going through but im so grateful that we have each other for now...
Thankyou so much for your response. I hope you continue to take each day at a time.
The way you speak about your dh is so similar to how I feel about dp that I know you must have loved (and still love) each other intensely. I hope you find peace within eventually. X
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