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Original poster

Separation of same sex couple and parental rights

97 replies

Acrobe · 10/05/2023 15:35

Hi, my 10 year relationship has just been finished by my partner. She is a birth mother to our daughter. We are not married nor we in a civil partnership. The "dad" sperm donor is known but not on a birth certificate...

Long story short I found myself not having any rights to my daughter. I have provided for the birth mother and our daughter since the beginning. 5 years! 3 of which the birth mother was out of work so I was literally paying for everything

I/we accumulated debts which are unfortunately in my name.

So not only I losing the most precious thing in my life -my daughter (cos I have no legal rights) but also ending up having to pay by my self what should be a shared debt.

Help! Please anyone.. money is a one thing but I can't bear thinking I will lose my child!

Thanks

OP posts:
TeenagersAngst · 10/05/2023 15:38

Why are you losing your daughter? Is your partner not willing to discuss arrangements for when you are living separately?

The debts are now yours, unfortunately. That is the nature of co-habiting over marriage/civil partnership, nothing to do with being same sex.

ladykale · 10/05/2023 15:38

Why aren't you on the birth certificate??? I just don't understand so many threads on here. Do people just not give thought to any personal decisions they make.

ladykale · 10/05/2023 15:40

Your thread is nothing to do with being same sex so the title is a bit irrelevant

shammalammadingdong · 10/05/2023 15:45

How could you not be aware that this would be the case?
Legally, biologically, she is not your daughter. She is your ex partners daughter. She is no relation of yours, You do not have any parental rights.

The debts are all yours though.

NotAnotherBathBomb · 10/05/2023 16:31

Please contact a solicitor.

Of course being in a same sex relationship matters, because there will always be one partner who isn't biologically related to the child. They were in a relationship when their child was conceived and born, but I agree with others that not being on the BC and not adopting the child (when you've had 5 years) wasn't sensible at all.

So please contact a solicitor, I don't think anyone here can advise you about your child. I'm very sorry BTW.

titchy · 10/05/2023 16:35

ladykale · 10/05/2023 15:40

Your thread is nothing to do with being same sex so the title is a bit irrelevant

Of course it is Confused Unless married/civil partnered the non birth parent of a lesbian couple does not have PR.

gogohmm · 10/05/2023 16:38

@titchy

But the situation is the same if a sperm donor is used in a heterosexual relationship, it's a case of no legal relationship being established.

pinkdelight · 10/05/2023 16:42

My lesbian friend had a DC with a woman she wasn't even partnered with romantically, just as a co-parent, and even tho the other woman gave birth, they're both on the birth certificate and she has equal rights - thankfully, as it all went south friendship wise.

My point being, if my friend has rights, why don't you? Did you really not go on the birth certificate or any paperwork at all?

shammalammadingdong · 10/05/2023 16:44

titchy · 10/05/2023 16:35

Of course it is Confused Unless married/civil partnered the non birth parent of a lesbian couple does not have PR.

Show quote history

Exactly the same as mixed sex couple who are not married/CP'd and the man is not the biological father of the child.

ladykale · 10/05/2023 16:46

@titchy my point is it's the same as me and my partner using a sperm donor, but for some reason him not being put on the birth certificate.

No parental rights.

I really don't understand why both parents wouldn't have been included on the birth certificate if that was the intention to have the child together

AnotherEmma · 10/05/2023 16:49

What were the circumstances of the conception, did the two of you plan it and use assisted conception with a sperm donor, or was it some other arrangement?
I find it incredibly hard to believe that a same sex couple would intentionally plan a child together without considering the legalities of parental responsibility and what would happen if you separated?
From what you've said, it sounds as if you didn't put your name on the birth certificate? Did you do any of the things listed on this page?
https://www.gov.uk/register-birth/who-can-register-a-birth
(Under "Unmarried, non-civil-partner parents")

I think you need legal advice about obtaining parental responsibility (assuming you don't already have it). You could start with Child Law Advice: https://childlawadvice.org.uk/information-pages/parental-responsibility/ and https://childlawadvice.org.uk/clas/contact-child-law-advice/

Once you've had some initial legal advice, the next step is to ask your ex to do family mediation with you. Hopefully the two of you can reach an agreement about parental responsibility and contact without going to court.

Register a birth

Find out how to register a birth - who can register, birth certificates

https://www.gov.uk/register-birth/who-can-register-a-birth

shammalammadingdong · 10/05/2023 16:58

Why would the ex do family mediation? And court....the OP has no legal relationship to this child, no PR, and no rights to see the child at all.

Original poster
Acrobe · 10/05/2023 16:58

Not on a birth certificate because we conceived DIY style and not been marrie at the time. Naive me

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 10/05/2023 16:59

DIY style?! You mean she had sex with a male friend?

titchy · 10/05/2023 17:01

ladykale · 10/05/2023 16:46

@titchy my point is it's the same as me and my partner using a sperm donor, but for some reason him not being put on the birth certificate.

No parental rights.

I really don't understand why both parents wouldn't have been included on the birth certificate if that was the intention to have the child together

Presumably she wasn't named on the bc because they did it informally rather than via a clinic. As I understand only married/partnered non-birth parents can be named where a clinic is not used. Obvs in the case of hetero couples the father is usually the bio father so is named that way, which is what I was referring to, but yes I take your point that straight unmarried couples using a donor not via a clinic would have the same-issue - obvs far less common though.

titchy · 10/05/2023 17:02

Acrobe · 10/05/2023 16:58

Not on a birth certificate because we conceived DIY style and not been marrie at the time. Naive me

Ah cross posts. That's why. I'm sorry.

titchy · 10/05/2023 17:03

AnotherEmma · 10/05/2023 16:59

DIY style?! You mean she had sex with a male friend?

Penis or syringe - does it matter?

GrumpyPanda · 10/05/2023 17:03

AnotherEmma · 10/05/2023 16:59

DIY style?! You mean she had sex with a male friend?

DIY, as in using a syringe on their own. Met couples who did this.

NotAnotherBathBomb · 10/05/2023 17:05

gogohmm · 10/05/2023 16:38

@titchy

But the situation is the same if a sperm donor is used in a heterosexual relationship, it's a case of no legal relationship being established.

Then that would also be mentioned in a MN title if that was the case, as it's a necessary piece of information.

Also, that would only be the case in a small percentage of heterosexual relationships, whereas it will be the case in 100% of same sex ones.

Original poster
Acrobe · 10/05/2023 17:08

Right, I hear you people. And trust me there is nothing I regret more than just trusting and believing the fairy tale of forever love...
I did not go on a birth certificate because technically that at the time would be illegal as we conceived DIY style and we know the donor.
I am devastated.. I can't imagine my life without kissing my daughter for the good morning and good night... Excuse my language but F*ick the money aspect! I just need my daughter

OP posts:
RetiredEarly · 10/05/2023 17:09

It will sound boring but you need to go and see a lawyer to check your rights/what you can do about your dd. I’d also check if you could get PR too.

In the mean time, I’d try and keep the lines open with your ex and see if you can still see your dd, at least a few hours a week so you can keep that bond going (and show it a judge etc… if need be).

Are you going for mediation to sort it all out?
Would your ex agree to get PR for you?

SheilaFentiman · 10/05/2023 17:10

“DIY style?! You mean she had sex with a male friend?”

No, she means the insemination was done at home, not via a clinic.

SheilaFentiman · 10/05/2023 17:12

“Also, that would only be the case in a small percentage of heterosexual relationships, whereas it will be the case in 100% of same sex ones.”

Agree. And also, if all parties were willing, with an informal donor and a male partner, the mother and partner could show up at the registry office together and never mention the donor.

Backtonormalatlast · 10/05/2023 17:13

This is such a sad situation. Does your daughter call you Mum .Can you and your ex come to an amicable agreement so your daughter has both of you in her life?

RetiredEarly · 10/05/2023 17:13

And tbh, it doesn’t matter how the child was conceived and whether the OP’s ex had sex with a man or not.
Im not sure why so much interest in the OP’s ex sex life tbh.