Well tis I memoo back again, everything went a bit pear shapped

[memoo]

Had a weird few days where my thoughts seemed to be very confused. I spent Sunday evening convinced that someone was outside the house and they were going to come and take the baby. so I hid the baby, seemed perfectly reasonable at the time.

I made her a cosy little nest in the space between our bed and the wall and put her there. Used loads of cushions so she was confortable. Then I wouldn't tell DH where she was. Although he found her quickly

I was also having ever increasing thoughts of harming myself I lost it big time last weekend. Cumilated on Monday with me on my hands and knees sobbing and begging dh to kill me,

DH phone the crisis team and made me speak to them. I was screaming at them that if they didn't come and get me I was going to kill myself. I was literally begging them to come and take me away

I spoke to them for about an hour while they calmed me down enough to get me off the phone.

Then 2 of them came out and spent a good few hours sat talking with me. It was decided that it really would be a good idea for me to go in.

I was surpose to stay for about 2 weeks but they couldn't find me a place in a mother and baby unit and so I had to leave her at home.

I stayed in for 4 days but just couldn't bare it any longer being apart from my baby so I have come home and they are treating me as an outpatient, have to go up there most days or have someone come out to me.

I am now on vanlafaxine which is starting to kick in. they started me on a low dose and are upping it every week until I get to about 375mg. Have sleeping pills as well and have to take 2mg lorazepam 3/4 times a day to keep me calm.

reading that back I can't beleive thats me! it has been the worse weeks of my whole life. I am still fighing these thoughts I have that I don't want to be here, and get very confused.

Can't do much with the kids. Its like being a child again who needs looking after. DH hasn't been in work for 2 weeks and looks like it will be a few more yet before he can go back.

On the up side I usually struggle to leave the house but we managed a drive out today to that is definate progress!

Anyhoos, thats me! How is everyone else been?

[duende]

Memoo, how horrible and scary for you I'm so glad you're getting help.
look after yourself as much as you can, please.

how are you today? thinking of you.

[TheJollyPirate]

Memoo I can only echo what duende just said - how horrible and scary for you.

How are you today?

[LittleMarshmallow]

memoo, I don't have any words of advice but am thinking of you. Am glad you have got help.

[fluffyredguineapigs]

Hi Memoo

I am so sorry to hear that you have had such a tough time again. It is so scary and it is ok to feel confused and scared at the moment.

From what you have said it really sounds like a mother and baby unit would help and it is such a shame that your team were unable to get you a place. I was a little like you when I went into my mother and baby unit and it was honestly the best place to continue bonding with my baby, sort the meds out and give my dh some respite. Are they going to keep trying to get you in a MABU?

FWIW there is an excellent 10 bed MABU in the South East which is rarely full. As provision is really low in the country (I think there are about 7 in the UK) it was not unusual to have mothers from a 200 mile radius when provision was needed.

Hope you feel better soon. You are unwell at the moment (I think you said you have been dg as bipolar?) but however awful it is now it honestly will pass and you will start to feel better and yourself again.
And life will go on as normal again, even though you cannot imagine this now.

FWIW I have just been very bipolar unwell and after being discharged from the perinatal team and crisis team, had to call them for emergency intervention which makes me however recognising that you are unwell and asking for help is the right thing to do - as you are doing. (ps am fine now).

[cocolepew]

Oh memoo I'm sorry you're having such a terrible and scary time. I'm glad you're getting help. Good luck x

[memoo]

Hi everyone,

Thanks for your kind messages. I am trying to look after myself but when I fail DH does a very good job of it! He is being fab and at the moment I am not doing anything other than lie on the couch or sleeping.

Fluffy, My GP did say he thought I was displaying symptoms of BP but The psychiatrist I am under feels it is actually severe depression and anixety.

I seem to swing back and to between being so depressed that I don't want to lift my head off my pillow to being so anxious that I could happily take a knife to my self to make the pain go away.

When I am depressed I can think more quite clearly and am mortified by some of the things I have done, but when the aniexty sets in I feel totally demented.

Sorry you have been bad fluffy Glad you are ok now though. Its a constant battle isn't it, even on the good days you have to keep fighting, because its always there, it never goes away, today might be great but tomorrow it might all go pear shapped again!!

A wise mn friend recently reminded me of something Winston Churchill use to say "KBO" (keep buggering on) And I guess thats what we all just have to keep doing!

KBO, Memoo xxx

[willsurvivethis]

Memoo you are strong and brave and your DH is amazing - well done to you both, you are such a strong team.

Hoping that you will get lots better really soon x

[ChippingIn]

Memoo - I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. Your DH sounds lovely and you sound as though you have a good med team on your side. I hope you will be feeling more on top of it very soon. Big Hugs - chippy x

[scoutliam]

Good on you for getting help, can't be easy what your going through, but sounds like your really making steps in the right direction.
So again, good on you!

[fluffyredguineapigs]

Hi Memoo

Take as much time as you need to feel better - have as much sleep as possible and take as much care for yourself as you can.

If you are able,try to pamper yourself physically and have nice food / bath / etc. When you are ill it is really difficult to do these things and I know it can take all day to build up to a shower etc but it does briefly make you feel a little better. (post natally it took me 6 weeks to apply make up again and I had it on a to-do list for weeks - but it was a step towards getting 'me' back again.

You may not be bipolar but I can understand how you feel how mortified you feel looking back at how you have been and how desperate you feel when anxious, but please don't beat yourself up. You are ill and that's allowed, you will not always be ill and someday soon you will be better again .

Yup KBO!! Take very good care of yourself. Because you're worth it

[memoo]

Swishing hair L'oreal style as I type

After having a day of not even getting dressed yesterday I managed to get up early and am showered and dressed. DD1 Has her SATs this week so I wanted to be around to see her before school. Lately it has been DH and I'm in bed so they haven't been seeing me til they get home from school..

Cpanda, I love to read but can't concentrate my mind enough to read anything at the moment. But will definately seek out that book when I am feeling a bit more up to it.

DH has to go into work on Wednesday morning, it will be the first time in weeks I've had to look after DD and I'm very nervous!!!

Thanks to you all for your kind messages xx

[fluffyredguineapigs]

Attagirl! Swish it. Hoping Wednesday goes ok - I know what it feels like as I was really terrified to first have my ds on my own after being ill but it really was fine. Try and break down the time into manageable chunks and then it doesn't seem as daunting.

KBO and let us know how it is going

[BeckyBendyLegs]

I've read that book. I found it really inspirational.

Good luck tomorrow

KBO! I like that.

[OrmRenewed]

Oh sweetie - so sorry Been near where you are but never gone so far.

GOod for you for getting help. Fingers crossed. Thinking of you.