I feel I have lost all dignity

[ChurchFarmHouse]

I have a 3 year old and a 6 month old. With the 6 month old boy I had terrible post natal depression - had CPD which helped a bit. I breastfed until 3 months but then couldn't get a let down due to stress so have expressed since then. I still feel traumatised by this. My husband made comments like " I don't know what I'm coming home to" or " I don't know what will happen when I walk through the door" and I'm devastated by this. It was a couple of months ago now and I'm feeling much better but it still really cuts me up. I just feel like I have no dignity left. After my son was born I feel as though it really affected our relationshiop. Tonight we had another row ( I was grumpy all day - don't really know why but it happens to me a lot and then I feel so bad for my 2 children to have me as a mum) and I just realised I feel I have no dignity left. I was a high flying career woman, very successful but I really struggle as a Mum. I worry that I'm not a good Mum, that I'm grumpy and not nice to my children. I have tried so hard to improve my mood and most of the time it is ok but I am a slightly depressed kind of person at home (but not at work bizarrely). I feel like it's such an effort to be a Mum. I felt suicidal up to when my son was about 3 months old and hten after I gave up breastfeeding, I think i got a bit more control back in my life. My daughter (3 years) is very jealous but is better now. I think it will be better now the weather is improving too. I just feel that the last few months have really damaged my relationshiop with my husband. I feel like I have lost my dignity and this depresses me more. I wonder if anybody else has felt like this after having depression? I htink he thinks i am weak and I worry that i will never laugh again or have fun - that i'm not the person he married.

[wastwinsetandpearls]

I could have written this. I rarely get depressed at work but it is all different when I get home.

My dp has made comments like your dp, looking back now I can see he was just genuinely scared, worred and probably very stressed. But I found them very hurtful.

I do think that women who have had successful careers can place far too much pressure on themselves when they become mothers.

It I take time to dwell on the things I have done when depressed I would not only lose my dignity but I would feel like an utter twit.

I bet your husband is not the person you married either, parenthood changes both of you.

Take care.

[compo]

Aw sounds like you've had a rough time of it

have you gone back to work? That might help make you feel like you again

your dh should love you no matter what, I'm sure he does, marriages need a lot of tlc especially with young kids and all the stress theybring

do you eat properly? Etc, take care of yourself - just an afternoon on your own mooching round a bookshop and having coffee can do wonders

[ChurchFarmHouse]

Thanks for all your comments. I am going back to work in May and looking forward to it in a strange way. It will be nice to have some appreciation for what I do. At the weekends, sometimes I go out for a walk on my own while my husband looks after the kids for an hour - that's so lovely. But I find the weeks very long. I should be doing the washing up now really but instead I'm writing this.

I think what scares me most is that when I have down days, I feel like I don't love my husband any more and my children are just irritating. But I am so ashamed to feel like this that I could never tell that to my CBT therapist. I'm scared that actually I'm depressed because I don't love my husband any more, rather than the depressed feelings make me think I don't love him any more. But I also don't know why some mornings I wake up like this and others I feel fine. I know he will walk away eventually though and it will be because of the way I have treated him. My Mum did this to my Dad and it absolutely destroyed me at the time . I'm desperate not to repeat her mistakes but I can't seem to stop myself. I would do anything not to put my children through a divorce.

I'm scared I'm one of those Mums who actually doesn't enjoy being a parent very much and is that normal? Then I feel sorry that my children have me as a mother. This all sounds terribly self-pitying when I read it and I'm sure that's why my husband gets so cross with me. Bizarrely though, I had always dreamt of having a big family with lots of children around the dinner table just as my family was. But my husband thinks I'm mad to want any more if I feel like this now.

Thanks so much for all your replies - it's a comfort to know that i can just write this down without my husband getting frustrated with me.