what is this about then? (ED?)

[hohumbum]

hi

it think i need some help. i think i have an eating disorder of some sort but i don't know where i fit.

i feel i can control it to a certain extent i.e. i am not underweight at all. however, it does feel quite out of control to be doing this kind of thing, i definitely know it is not a normal way to behave.

problem is binge eating and purging . thing is i am not 'bulimic' in the sense that i sick up everything, rather that i 'use' it as a way not to put weight on after binging. basically i skim off the excess iykwim.

i went to docs after last baby was born to voice my concerns, they gave me a book prescription for CBT but it just didn't fit in with my problems. the examples were proper anorexics and bulimics or people with anxiety issues. i tried an online course but, again, i couldn't make it work.

dh knows, to some extent, what goes on but i really hide it from him as, obviously, he finds it upsetting and cannot understand it. my dsis also knows and has same binging problem but not sicking.

i just don't know what to do.

i am healthy bmi but still have some baby weight to lose - about 7 lbs.

i want to feel in control of food, being on my own with food. i just don't feel like i have a full on ED, so to speak, but obviously something here is not right.

[hormonesnomore]

Hi hohum. Don't know if I can be of any help but when I was younger i suffered from EDs - and they are EDs if you're severely controlling what you eat.

As a teenager because of issues with my mum, at some times I just couldn't eat anything she had made for me. It was very hard for both of us. I also had an eating phobia and couldn't eat in front of anyone outside my immediate family. I also binged, and when I was a bit older, reduced my food intake so I lost stones in weight (not normal dieting). My sister was bulimic for many years.

I now have a much more relaxed attitude to food and eating - having to constantly exercise control over what I consumed was exhausting.

Giving food to someone is so nurturing and loving - I had to ask myself why I didn't feel I deserved that nurturing and address that.

Hoping you'll find the answers you need.

[willsurvivethis]

You sound pretty classic bulimic to me!

[hohumbum]

thanks for replying.

HNM - how did you regain control?

WST - i thought bulimia was about feeling in control by purging and controlling what you eat? i feel so out of control when i am in that cycle. also, it doesn't happen all the time. i went for three months this year without doing it, then had some arguments with dh and totally fell off the wagon. it's like falling down a black hole.

i seriously want a relaxed attitude towards food. i don't want to panic every time i know that there are chocs or sweets in the house because i know it can trigger me off. i feel like i can't trust myself sometimes.

[hohumbum]

oh yes and hormonesnomore, i do think that it is exhausting me. i think about food ALL the time, what can i eat, when can i eat, how much can i eat. i do a food plan for the month and enjoy read my recipe boks and making lists and doing the online food shop. i mean, does everyone think about food this much?

with having two young children, i feel like i am constantly feeding them and in and out the kitchen every 5 mins. it doesn't help.

[willsurvivethis]

hohumbum EDs are more about trying and wanting to be in control rather than actually being in control. That's the distressing thing about EDs.

It is the failing to control that makes you feel so out of control IYSWIM. It definitely sounds like bulimia.

[hohumbum]

willsurvivethis, what do i do now then? i feel like it's not enough of a problem to go to gp about again. although have changed gp since the last time i went.

i can probably get some money together and pay for something but what?

[hormonesnomore]

hohumbum, regaining control came gradually. I had counselling which focused a lot on my childhood - EDs weren't my only problem.

I recognised the lack of nurturing in my background and eventually realised that although my parents were responsible for this, they were victims of terrible circumstances (not an excuse, they went through hell and I'm surprised now they had any reserves at all to bring us up as well as they did).

I was able to forgive them and recognise that they just couldn't give me what I needed in some respects. In others they were great parents.

I'm now determined that I'm going to nurture myself and I'm much less hard on myself - much kinder. I look at every way to make life easier and won't allow anyone to treat me badly. Losing the EDs just naturally followed as I don't believe they're ever an illness in isolation but a symptom of general emotional troubles.

Yes, I agree it's all about control or wanting to be in control rather than just trying to lose weight. Maybe you could look at that aspect - ime once you recognise what's going on, you're on the way to helping yourself.

[hohumbum]

for me, i use it to make myself feel better. if i'm stressed out then i binge and purge. it brings a feeling of calm after and i get to eat lots of food which i absolutely love.

i think i love food too much. i get crazy thinking about it. i also think it is like a security blanket, it fills the emotional holes inside me. i don't know how else to fill thos holes, i don't know why they're there.

thanks for sharing your story HNM, maybe i should seek counselling. how do you know where to begin? honestly i'd feel stupid trying to explain what i do and why i do it.

[willsurvivethis]

I developed Binge Eating Disorder very young - I failed to develop a proper attachment to my mum as a toddler(she didn't cope with circumstances beyond her control) and was later sexually abused (from age 7 which is when the ED started). I always believed what I was told that it is a way of stuffing down feelings. I only discovered recently while having counselling that it is all about creating a safe, warm, happy space for myself which is why my BED is very uncharacteristic (very specific in time and place). Now I understand it I can sometimes say hey what do I really need to make myself happy, and as I continue to heal from the real problem I hope that I can beat it once and for all.

I suggest you do seek some help - the Eating Disorders Association has some good suggestions. But you do have every reason to go to your GP. Don't let shame stop you.

[hormonesnomore]

If you do decide to have counselling, please don't worry about how to talk about your problems, hohum.

A counsellor will guide you through it and encourage you to open up. My problem was stopping talking once I got going! And a counsellor will have training and will almost certainly be experienced in talking to people with EDs - your GP may refer you to one or suggest how to find someone who is properly trained.

Your emotional 'hole' sounds so familiar to me.

I hope you find something else to fill it with soon.

[hohumbum]

thanks once again for coming back.

i do feel like i want to 'solve' and understand why i'm like this.

i think i'm quite scared that there isn't an 'emotional' problem. that really, i'm just a pig who likes eating food too much.

also, i don't want for anything, lovely dh and kids, lovely house. i just feel guilty for doing it, like i'm letting my family down. like they aren't enough to satisfy me, food fills up so much of my time and thought space.

[willsurvivethis]

But in your earlier post you have already indicated that there is an underlying problem, that you fill emotional holes with food...

[hohumbum]

yes. true. but why chose eating? why not drugs/alcohol/sex?! answer: because food is so delicious. i love food. i am a glutten.

and i don't have a sad story like HNM. nothing bad happened to me. i have let myself become this way from having no will power.

sometimes, when i'm strong, i can control it. stop myself binging and purging. it makes me think, if i can maintain these period then i don't have an ED. maybe i can do it by myself.

the less i binge, the less i want to binge. but how do you stop the cycle happening again next time you have a shit day?

[hormonesnomore]

My ED wasn't constant, some event would trigger it and it would last until I could cope without it iyswim.

It's about building up your emotional strength so you can cope with the shit days that we all experience.

Please try to reach out for help (easy to say, I know) - either through a visit to your GP, or reading books on the subject (your local library will have some), or looking at a website like willsurvivethis linked to,

You've already started the process by acknowledging that you have a problem and talking about it here.

[hohumbum]

thank you hormonesnoomore, it's been good to share these feelings.