PTSD? - sorry, long post...

[mumtoed]

I'm sorry this is a really long post. I had a horrible birth and I'm not coping too well as keep having flashbacks and getting upset but no-one else to talk to.

I thought I'd prepared well, planned a homebirth as I'm scared of hospitals, got a lovely doula, did hypnotherapy, baby was happy and a good position and no problems throughout pregancy. I was really looking forward to giving birth and meeting ds.

In the end I was overdue 42+3. Baby wasn't distressed and I felt fine but was talked into an induction by dr. Dr didn't mention any risks.

I was induced over 2 days. Was given drip on second day + new midwife came on who was horrible. I tried to have a joke with her and she said I'd soon be in no state for chatting . She just kept staring at the monitor and writing but not saying anything to me for a couple of hours . I was excited to be in labour though I got to 5cm fine then all hell broke loose.

DS heartbeat dipped loads, a dr was called then a crash team came within seconds to run me to operating theatre for a c-section. My DH and I both thought DS was dying. I was suddenly in a lot of pain. Had to beg for GA as I didn't want to see DS pulled out if he was ill or worse. Thankfully DS was born ok and is fine.

I'm loving being a mummy but I can't sleep or relax as I get flashbacks whenever I'm not busy. I also keep dwelling on something happening to me, like getting cancer, and dying. I'm so upset I wasn't the first to hold DS and say hello. I also hate how my tummy looks with the overhang and scar. I've told HV and dr but they didn't really make anything of it as not PND. Scared of having any more babies in case it happens again. DH traumatised too and doesn't like talking about it. I feel cheated of the normal birth I was looking forward to and get upset whenever I see pregnant women or anything about birth as I feel like it was completely taken out of my hands and drs said whatever they thought would get me to agree to an induction. No-one had given me a "debrief" of what happened, if I can have children normally in the future etc. and I don't know who to ask. I can't go back to the hospital as I get panicky.

Has anyone else been upset by a similar experiance and how did you get over it?

[GetDownYouWillFall]

oh mumtoed you poor, poor sweetheart. That does truly sound terrifying and so far from the birth you had hoped for or anticipated.

You did nothing wrong it's important to say that because there can be feelings of powerlessness and guilt surrounding a traumatic birth. It was not your fault that you were overdue or that you were induced or that you had to be rushed for an emergency CS.

Unfotunately it just seemed that a number of factors combined to give you this negative experience. That midwife you had sounds really nasty - imagine sitting in complete silence whilst she stood and wrote notes! I would complain about her TBH, she did nothing to put you at your ease by the sounds of it.

The fact your baby got into distress is really unfortunate, but it does happen and they did what they had to do to get him out fast. I think the dr.s just focus so much on safe outcome that they forget the psychological trauma inflicted on the mother who feels so out of control, not communicated with and, quite frankly, terrified.

I am so sorry to hear you went through this. There is nothing to say that this will happen again if you do decide to go on tp have another. Many many women have normal births after a CS. May I ask, where was your doula in all this? She should have been there supporting you through it all. She will have seen everything that happened - could you have a bit of a "debrief" from her?

I had a traumatic birth myself (not a CS like yours, mind), but I lost loads of blood, had to have a transfusion and was whipped into surgery straight after DD was born so didn't get to see her for a while.

I had very severe PND and ended up being hospitalised with it, I'm sure my awful experience contributed to getting the PND so badly. I had flashbacks for quite a few months but thankfully they have eased now.

Please can I urge you to get help now, in terms of counselling. I am worried for you that if you don't clear this negative experience in your mind, or come to terms with it, it will become more and more bothersome for you.

take carexx

[EccentricaGallumbits]

is there a birth afterthoughts service at your hospital?

something like this?

or if not would it help t sit and go through your notes with a supervisor of midwives?

[mumtoed]

Thank you both, I think it's good to talk about it but it's difficult to know who can help. The dr I saw today at my 6 week check just made a note on his computer even though I was nearly in tears. He just said he should have taken my blood pressure before he asked how I was getting on [hmmm].

I'm not sure if there is a birth afterthoughts at the hospital, I can't face seeing any more midwives or hospitals at the moment though. The article you linked to summarises exactly how I feel, I've even used the same words to try and explain it, it's useful to know it's normal and not just me overreacting!

[adelicatequestion]

I had a horrible time too and my HV suggested I contact the consultant and arrange to meet with him.

I did this and asked all the questions I had and he explained in detail what had happened and apologised for a lot of things.

Please don;t suffer with it. Ask for counselling and get it sorted. I didn;t after my traumatic first experience (the one above was with my twins) and had panic attacks and ened up with ptsd.

It is early days though. Google emdr too.

[arcadia96]

I had a traumatic birth too and was told I may have PTSD as I had trouble sleeping and awful nightmares. I was also worried it was affecting me bonding with my baby as I was in such shock after the birth that I was hardly aware she was there, some of the time, which also made me feel terribly guilty. I thought I was developing PND too but thankfully I don't think I have.

She is now 15 weeks old and - touch wood - I seem to be improving and the memories of the birth are fading. I still have nightmares but not specifically about the birth.

I think what has helped is talking about it a lot to people I feel safe with and letting myself get emotional when I do so. I have also given myself as much time as possible to rest and allowed family/friends to help out a lot and tried not to feel guilty about that. Also having massages etc. after the birth to get back in touch with my body.

Sadly as a knock on effect of the birth etc. I had to give up breast feeding and I had to grieve that loss too, however there have been advantages to bottle feeding which I now appreciate, and my baby is thriving.

I really sympathise with you as I too hoped for a natural birth and had great faith in my body and myself, and felt that I had let myself down somehow, which rationally I know is not true. I also felt very angry with some of the staff involved.

I am still working through it and will consider counselling if it is still bothering me in a few months time. I feel that the medical profession haven't been very helpful.

I do wish you all the best. I do believe that it will fade with time and as your baby grows and develops you will feel the sense of time moving on.

[QueenofWhatever]

I have PTSD for very different reasons, but it is a well recognised condition. The flashbacks, intrusive memories and fear are all defining symptoms. I think it's really important you go back and speak to the GP and/or HV and get referred for treatment. It's a serious condition and you would benefit from specialised help. It is definitely treatable.

I don't know how old your baby is, but I hate to think that it could be affecting your bond and it sounds like it is also hard for your DH. I am so sorry this happened to you.

[coveredinsnot]

Hi, it definitely sounds like your traumatic birth experience has triggered a post-traumatic stress reaction in you. I am researching this area, and you sound like a classic example. I have personally experienced this too, and can totally relate to how you feel. Unfortunately, doctors, HVs, midwives etc are not very clued up about the existence of PTSD after childbirth, and if you don't appear to have PND, women often get ignored. You would do well to seek some therapy from a psychotherapist. Your GP should be able to make you a referral to a clinical psychologist or a specialist PTSD service, depending on where you live and what services are available locally. Some places in the UK even have specialist peri- and post-natal mental health services. Try and google what's in your local area, or if you let me know where you are then I can have a search for you too. Your GP may not know about specialist services. If you can't find much, get the number for your local Community Mental Health Team (CMHT) and speak to the manager there, as they may be able to point you in the right direction.

In the short term, antidepressants may help a bit but you do need to work through the trauma and there are very well researched and tried and tested techniques for doing this. I would not recommend counselling though as it has not been shown to be at all helpful (in some cases harmful) for PTSD. So if your GP offers you sessions with the practice counsellor, you must refuse!

There is a fantastic Yahoo group for women with PTSD following childbirth health.groups.yahoo.com/group/ptsdafterchildbirth/ which would definitely be worth joining.

You will get through this and feel more positive. But it will take time. Good luck.

[AnneElliot]

Not more to add on the good advice above really.. I also had PTSD - not a birth trauma. I had it before the birth of first child, and that I may get PTSD again because of the birth experience was one of my main fears in the lead up to the birth.

As pp said, there is a lot of awareness about PND, but far fewer people are aware that women (and DHs) can develop PTSD after a birth.

I recall, PTSD is defined as symptons such as flashback, heightened arousal, relivng the event etc., as a result of a traumatic experience where someone either died, or you believed someone would die. Being in fear or your babies' life or your own is actually very common during birth.

One of the things that I found very empowering when I was ill with PTSD was reading teh NICE guidance:
www.nice.org.uk/CG26

It contains the DSM defintion of symptons. I printed it out and took it to the GP and used it to talk through my symptons. It also helped me to know that I was experiencing a set of common symptons associated with the condition, and wasn't just a total loon. Once I had a "name" for the illness, it made me hopeful that I could get treatment and feel better.

You take care - recovery from PTSD is very good, and I think most people are recovered over the short to medium term. But don't be afraid to demand some help - it is a horrible thing to live through.

[needabetterusername]

My experience was so similar - I'd wanted a home birth because of my fear of hospitals, and ended up in hospital with my fears not really communicated or understood. I've had flashbacks and endless intrusive thoughts, too.

I understand that you can't face going back to the hospital - neither could I. But the local 'birth reflections' service agreed to meet me in the chaplaincy, so at least I didn't have to go onto the maternity unit. In some areas they'll come to your house. It took me 4 months to face making the appointment, but it was DEFINATELY worth it. Basically, I think that talking to anyone at all who'll listen is helpful. I've found that opening up just a little to friends has brought so much empathy and understanding - there are so many people out there who had difficult births, and almost half of first-time home births do end up in hospital.

Whereas your symptoms do sound like PTSD, I'd be wary of labelling and diagnosis. What you've gone through is something which would traumatise anyone - and what you're experiencing is a very sane, logical response to a horrible experience. So rather than thinking of yourself as a person with PTSD, it might be more helpful to picture yourself as a strong resilient survivor who is struggling to cope with some extreme events.

[domesticslattern]

Has anyone mentioned the Birth Trauma Association yet? I hope that their website might be helpful to some of you. Even just the stories on it, so you know you are not alone.

[mumtoed]

Hi, thank you all for your posts. I'm in the process of getting my notes from the hospital to see what happened. I also had an ovarian cyst that a nurse afterwards mentioned in passing they "sorted out while they were in there" . I was a bit too out of it to ask further questions and my notes haven't made it to the doctor so he doesn't know if it's still there or not. I'm pleased it's sorted if they did do it but also a bit uncomfortable that they just went ahead and did it without consent and then didn't tell me properly.

When I've read through my notes I'll have a think about seeing if there is a reflections service or a kind of debrief the hospital can do. I'm also considering acupuncture as it helped a friend and might improve the scar or at least make me feel like I've taken a bit of control over it again. I can't bear to touch or look at it at the moment. My DS is only 7 weeks old though so hopefully it'll get better.

I'm shocked at how often this seems to happen and how little aftercare or thought the NHS seems to give to women who've been through it . At least a quick chat afterwards or a leaflet with support group contacts would help!

[arcadia96]

I agree the NHS are hopeless. They are aware of this but do nothing to help - it's a scandal - just try to palm you off with anti depressants. The care after the birth is non existent really, it's all about the baby's weight etc.
I have just felt strong enough to contact my local Birth Afterthoughts service only to get an ansaphone message saying there is a three month wait for appointments, and my call wasn't returned. When I tried again a few days later the message had changed to say they wouldn't even be returning calls for three weeks due to 'annual leave'.
When I feel stronger I really want to do something to help other women who have gone through this,or to campaign about it, as I felt so alone and misunderstood and like I was going mad .

[OrganicHairbrush]

Maybe there's an issue for a MN campaign here...?

[nesomja]

I would agree with much of what coveredinsnot said (i'm a clinical psychologist myself and I also had an awful birth experience), but have two things to add. One is that sometimes GPs use the term 'counselling' for all talking therapies so I wouldn't reject a referral out of hand. The other is that most people who have had an experience like yours will have similar symptoms at first but I wouldn't consider someone to have ptsd until 3 months after the event as there is a lot of natural recovery which happens. If you do still have symptoms 3 months afterwards then psychological therapy is the best treatment and specifically you would want CBT or EMDR. You can find private therapists on the BABCP or EMDRIA websites or try the nhs.

[mumtoed]

Thanks nesomja, I think I'll see how it goes, I have good days and bad days with it at the moment.

OrganicHairbrush and arcadia96 - I'm not sure how to organise a MN campaign but I think something should be done. It seems to be treated like PND was before it got taken more seriously.

I was going to write to my hospital's head of midwives to see if they would consider giving out a leaflet with information on what to expect after an emergency c-section (what happened, what it might feel like from someone who's had one, when you can exercise, what can help the appearance of the scar, how to bond with your baby etc. rather than just the clinical stuff) and also how to cope and what support groups there are for people who had a difficult birth experience. It's not much but it might help a bit.

[nesomja]

When I wrote before I was holding a sleeping toddler and so was brief but I wanted to say that I also had an emergency c section having hoped to be in a midwife led birthing centre, then ds got severe jaundice and we were in hospital for a week which was actually the worst bit of the whole thing. I thought I was over the flashbacks etc but recently have started to think about having another baby and it's all flooding back - I didn't have any kind of therapy and I'm wondering now whether maybe I should. I think more info is really necessary - I wrote to the hospital about my experience but just got back a letter saying it was all in order which I could hardly bear to read as it brought it all back again.

[mumtoed]

I'm worried the same will happen to me unless I resolve how I feel now. I always wanted 2 children but DH is too traumatised to think about it and I don't think I could ever face the possibility of going into hospital again. I might have a fight on my hands asking for a homebirth VBAC .

I think hospitals seem reluctant to offer help in case it's seen as an admission that they could have done something differently so might be liable.

My doula also wrote and complained to the head of midwives but hasn't heard anything. She was with us all the time thank goodness as she was a great help to DH who was in bits outside the operating room thinking he was loosing both of us with no-one telling him what was going on . There wasn't much she could do to help me other than keep encouraging me and passing me water. Every time she said anything while the consultant was there the consultant just said "I wasn't speaking to you" . My doula was also making notes for her own records and the consultant made a midwife come back in and ask her what she was writing! Talk about paranoid.

I've e-mailed MN to see if they fancy taking it on as a campaign, I think they'd get a lot of support and I hate to think other people are going through the same thing when a bit of care and understanding could help so much.