The longest ever post, just talking to myself.

[iamreallysad]

I just want to type how I am feeling and get it out of my system.

And please, no bollocking, I do enough of that for myself.

I feel so pointless at the minute. My parents didn't want me and various foster carers didn't either.

I never felt like I fitted in anyway. I wasn't the pretty one. I was teacher's pet, very bright but weird as I didn't live with my parents.

I fell completely for my first boyfriend and thought we would be together for ever. We went out for weeks before we kissed and 2 years before we slept together. We spent the next 3 years on and off. I would see other boys but always think of him. Even got engaged twice.

Had a mini fling then followed my friend's advice instead of my heart and that was that.

Had a really good job, bought my own flat. Doing okay. Found out he had married and was devastated.

I met a boy, married him, had babies with him. Went through hell with lots of things but are solid.

Found ex again. Head messed up. Couldn't handle talking to him, couldn't bare not talking to him. This went on for months. Arranged to meet. I cancelled. Marriage better than ever.

Through this time I was really struggling with the children so wanted to just be like we used to be when I was with my ex. Just felt so lost and sad.

Fast forward and no contact for 2 1/2 months and then a couple of chats, talk again 2 months later and we were both honest and I felt calm. Few days of talking and then it is all a mess again.

I love my husband so much and have asked my friend to delete is number she was keeping for me in case I needed it and I have no way of contacting him now.

But I just feel like I have ruined everything. I feel trapped with the kids as I can't cope with them or get them to help around the house, behave, nothing.

My husband means everything to me yet I have hurt him by talking to this ex and I wonder what the hell is wrong with me. I am used to everything ending and still feel dh will leave me now I have given him children so maybe I should pre-emt it.

I am so angry that I have been so weak and still care for someone who has always broken my heart.

I need to learn to live with my feelings as talking about them just makes them worse as I keep feeling like we should be together, me and the ex but dh is the one I love, the one I am in love with, my best friend, the only person in the world who I know loves me and the person who makes me feel safe but I can't help thinking what is in it for him and that I don't derserve him.

I sometimes wish we had not had children as I struggle so much and are not good with them.

I am used to people hurting me and walking out on me, my ex was the first person ever to care but even though it didn't last I still feel like he is all I deserve.

It is all mixed up together but shouldn't be really. I can't bare the thought of never speaking to him again but I also know I can't deal with doing so.

I just feel so annoyed with myself, so weak, so stupid but so vulnerable and sad.

I really don't want any replies. I just want to get this out of my system so I don't spend the night thinking of it.

[GetDownYouWillFall]

I know you didn't want any replies but just wanted to say I am here, as someone who will listen, if you needed someone.
x

[iamreallysad]

Thank you.

I have moments where I feel strong and I think I can do better with the kids, better with the house, not talk to people who don't help, etc etc but then I almost immediately feel flat and just feel like I can't do it as I am never been able to before and nothing has ever really gone to plan before.

[GetDownYouWillFall]

Sometimes by telling yourself you should be doing this that and the other better you are actually perpetuating the cycle of depression. You need to just allow yourself to "be" for a while, with no expectations on yourself. I know that is not easy, but you will just make yourself feel worse by thinking about the ways you are "failing".

Seems like you had a really rough start to life, and it's no wonder you have issues around attachment, given what you went through. Can you talk openly and honestly with your DH about what you are going through?

[iamreallysad]

I can talk to Dh 98% honestly and he is truly amazing. No one else would have stuck by me through my mental illness as well as this messing about talking to another man. I owe dh everything.

I am just so cross and tired.

[GetDownYouWillFall]

Well sounds like you have got a gem there. Stick with him, forget this other guy. It is a fantasy that wouldn't last, if you acted on it.
Are you getting treatment for your depression?

[MitsubishiWarrioress]

So sorry you have been through so much and are suffering.

You sound lovely, and maybe have very low self esteem. Actually you deserve your lovely DH. Although you feel that being rejected is normal so your Ex feels like a normal relationship.

Whereas being cared for and solid should feel normal.

Vulnerable and sad you might be, weak and stupid No.

I think you need help working through this so that your future is easier and less painful.

[nickschick]

Did we speak the other day?

If it was you then this is normal - youve been shit on all your life and even now when you have got a lovely life you feel you have to explain everything away....your old boyfriend isnt a teenager any more nor are you - youve both grown up and will never feel that freedom again .....work with what you have and take it step by step x

[iamreallysad]

I just feel so teary that you seem to understand. I just want him though I know it would mean no dh and that would just kill me. I want ex as I want the fairy tale and I suppose it is an up yours to all those who said he didn't care/it wouldn't last but I also owe dh everything and how could I leave. All irrelevant as ex won't leave his wife but would see me on the side.

I love my dh, I love my children, I just don't love being alive.

[nickschick]

You dont want him hun - you want whats not really gonna be,its like a little fantasy for you.

I do know how you feel and its so nice to feel wanted after always being the one pushed away.

Do you know what I think this is? that all your life youve kept a lid on the shit and just 'coped' and now the lids lifted all your feelings are flooding out everything bad thats ever happened is tumbling out.

[GetDownYouWillFall]

Once you have kids your life does change, and it can seem like you've lost a lot of your previous life.
Perhaps you wanting your ex is more about you wanting your old life back, with all it's freedoms etc.?
But the fact of the matter is you have a DH that you love and who loves you. Seriously you need to forget this other guy. You have too much to lose.

[iamreallysad]

nickschick - I think you are right. I never had any control with anything that happened as a child. I once moved house at 2pm with no idea it was going to happen.

GetDown - you are totally right and I know it will take a while to forget him. I have been trying to get over him for 22 years but it will happen as I can't afford for it not too. I can't take much more and neither can my lovely husband. He knows it is more about how I am feeling mentally that actually wanting to be with this other man though.

[countrylover]

Looking after children and running a household is the most stressful job you can ever do. I used to be a successful, popular and confident young woman with never a doubt in my mind about who I was and what I was doing.

Never in a million years did I think motherhood could be so damned hard. I have suffered with PND twice and sometimes I wish for a get out clause. Something or someone to take me away from all of it.

But the trouble with depression is that it follows you like an evil black dog. Getting with your ex wouldn't make your life any happier, it would make it more complicated. But I think you know that already...

Sending you hugs x

[GetDownYouWillFall]

iamreallysad have you thought about writing a letter to this other guy, saying all the things you want to say, how you felt about him then, how you felt so in love with him, about your life now and how things have moved on, and then just burn it?
I know it sounds stupid, but it may help you to start the "moving on" process..

[MitsubishiWarrioress]

Maybe it is like an addiction?

We can be addicted to things that are really bad for us despite ourselves. Could you see a way forward thinking like that?

And really working on the fact that YOU ARE WORTHY of the the love of the lovely man that you have and learn to be kind to yourself.

[iamreallysad]

He knows how I feel about him.

He says he feels responsible for me as he knows he was a terrible boyfriend and hurt me a lot and he also knew about my childhood and was really supportive.

He regrets not being honest with me but doesn't know how he feels about me now other than he fancies me like mad and wouldn't mind you know what.

I am feeling a bit stronger now but also scared as I can't keep hold of the strength feelings.

[willsurvivethis]

Like nickschick I am wondering if it is you from the other thread earlier this week but being more open about things. If so (and if not of course too) well done for posting.

I'm sorry you feel so down. You seem to have a good perspective on things. Your words 'He would not leave his wife he would see me on the side' sum it all up - if he's so happy to have an affair he is bad news, and you are too good for second best and too good to do this to someone elses wife.

Hugs - it will get better.

[GetDownYouWillFall]

"he fancies me like mad and wouldn't mind you know what"

I think therein lies your answer with regards to what he has to offer you.

What I meant by the letter was not something to let him know how you feel, it is for you, to help you move on from him

[alypaly]

iamreallysad ,did you post a while ago about contacting him on the internet and then speaking on the phone as it sounds like he same conversation. Why have you wandered from someone who loves you and you love so much.Dont wander away just because he fancies you. You have so much more with DH. you hadnt told DH last time you posted. How did he take it when you told him.