Short tempered, no motivation to do anything and worried something bad will happen to my DC.

[Narketta]

I really don't know where to start, I have suffered from depression on and off since the age of 17.

People that know me including close family see me as a happy bubbly confident person but on the inside I feel like screaming.

I don't feel like this all the time and do have some fantastic days when the black cloud that seems to hang over me disappears but since having DD 19mths ago things have got much worse.

I lie in bed at night scared to close my eyes incase I don't wake up.

If one of the DC coughs in there sleep and then go quiet I convince myself that they've stopped breathing and have to go and check on them.

Me and the DC were walking to the shop the other day and as we walked along the footpath by a busy road I actually imagined a car mounting the pavement and killing my DC. and then I started to think "If that happens I hope i'm killed too because I couldn't live without my DC".

I feel so sad writing this

I know these feelings aren't normal and I hate it.

I'm bad tempered and have no patience with DS 3.9yrs and find myself constantly snapping at him and then beat myself up and feel guilty once he's gone to bed.

I feel like i'm going mad

[CeeUnit]

Hiya, I am not very knowledgable on this so hopefully someone more useful will come along.

You are not alone in the way that you feel. I think all parents suffer with some level of anxiety/paranoia. However, what you are describing does sound like you could do with some support.

Have you mentioned this to you HV/GP?

[narmada]

Poor you, what a horrible time you are having. Do you have any treatment for your depression? E.g., talking therapies or antidepressants? If not, you might find that they may help the black cloud lift.

I'm always nervous about saying 'I know just how you feel', but re. the extreme fear for your children, oh god yes, I have/ had that too. Ditto the grumpiness, lack of motivation etc etc etc.

I know some people are anti- them, but I am very much for antidepressants, as they have changed my life. A year and a half ago I felt like I was going mad too, and now I feel generally calm and content. Don't want to sound glib, just want to let you know that there is definitely hope

Let us know how you are feeling, and don't suffer alone. So many people have this, it's more common than the common cold...

[Honeymoonmummy]

Hi Narketta, I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so low

I have postnatal depression and was initially reluctant to go on anti-depressants, especially as I'm still BF my 12 mo, but I'm on sertraline and it's really starting to help.

The main symptom of my postnatal depression was anger/ irritability, the "black cloud" and anxiety and TBH you sound like your anxiety levels are worse than mine were. I would strongly suggest you go and see your GP. Failing that, you could have a chat to a HV if you had a good one who would still remember you?

Above all, just know that you are not alone and it will get better x

[Narketta]

Thanks for the replies

I spoke to my GP when my DD was 4mths old, he suggested that I take fluoxetine but I refused after he explained that I should keep a close eye on DD incase she showed signs of being extra sleepy.(I was BF at the time) I asked if there were any alternative AD's and he told me they were all the same.

I left it a couple of months and decided to speak to my HV she was worried about me and came to visit me at home, she was really nice and chatted with me about my feelings and told me to call her whenever I felt I needed to talk and she would come round but she also told me to go back to my GP but told me to ask for a female GP as she may be more understanding.

I saw the GP and again refused the AD's but was interested in counselling so she sent me for an assessment.

I went for my assessment when DD was 7mths and was put forward for counselling but was told that the waiting list was very long.

DD is now 19mths and I still haven't heard anything. I BF her until she was 15mths and refused the AD's because of this but i'm thinking that maybe I should try them now.

I've had fluoxetine in the past and I didn't like the way they made me feel but i'm sure there's something out there that can help me feel better, I just can't stand feeling like this anymore.

I'm making my DC's lives miserable.

[narmada]

What was your experience with the ADs previously?? You could try a different sort- they aren;t all the same, and if you don't get on with SSRIs, there are other options.

When I take SSRIs they invariably cause a couple of weeks of worse-than-ever anxiety at the very start, as well as vivid dreams and some sleep disturbance. But then things start to get better.

I am not sure as to whether this will help you, saying this now, but... your doc was misinformed about ADs and BF. Not all ADs are the same in terms of transfer to breast milk (Sertraline has lowest transfer rates, and is the AD of choice for BF mums) I have been BF my daughter now for 19 months and on sertraline during this time. Just saying this because I think you should take credit for going to the docs and asking advice - it's just a shame that docs don't generally have the correct and up-to-date information to give to people in your/ my situation.

PS I bet you're not making your DCs lives miserable: you're their lovely mummy. don't beat yourself up about making them upset - even if your mood is low and you sometimes take it out on them, kids are so resilient. And, you are doing something about it, so you are being the best mum you can be to them!

It's awful how long people have to wait for counselling and other therapeutic services. Have to say I tried them, and they didn't make much difference to me: but then, my family has a strong genetic predisposition to depression...

Hope you find a sympathetic and knowledgable medical ear soon. Let us know how you get on.

[narmada]

How are you getting on now Narketta? Hope things are OK.