getting horrendous flashbacks (sorry very long)

[flashbackgirl]

When I was 16 I was raped and became pregnant. I was too terrified and confused to tell anyone and ended up having my little girl by myself. I had a mad plan of abandoning her and phing the police to say what I'd done. Very sadly she was still born. I had no idea what to do and eventually hid her and never talked about it again.

When I was in my late 20s I became pregnant again thi time as part of a lovin and meaningful relationship. At this stage I found the courage to tell my doctor about my first baby. Her response was to report me to the police. Next thing I knew they were on my doorstep with social services threatening to arrest me for mursder and take my baby at birth. They never talked to me before saying this, they never tried to find out my side of the story they just frightend the hell out of me at 6 months pregnatnt. The rest of the pregancy was a nightmare they wouldn't leave me alone, forced me to see psychiatrists, turned up when I was in labour and kept making loud comments about needing to make sure i didnt strangle my baby, told my mum who knew nothing about what happned and told her who raped me. thanks to them she and my brother didn't talk to me for 2 years and our relatinoship is still tense. My partner thank God stood by me or I doubt I'd either have my baby or be alive now.

They didn't take my lovely little girl (now 5) and they didn't arrest me but there were so many questions and interviews and meetings and accusations.

I thought I'd got over it all but the last few weeks I'm jumping out of my skin when I har the doorbell, frightend to sleep at night, frightend to wake up in the morning, having endless nightmares that they have come back and horredous and real flashbacks to what they did to me at the time.

I've namechanged for obvious reasons. I am so unhappy and after what the doctor did to me I will never go back to them a bout a mental health issue not ever ever ever.

Sorry I feel like I can't go on but i have to for my little girl. I can't bear these flashbacks I am so scared of myself.

[Disenchanted3]

I'm speechless.

Where is your first baby???

[aGalChangedHerName]

You 'hid' your baby??

Where exactly?

[flashbackgirl]

I'm not answering that question.

I probably shouldn't have posted, you'll prbably all hate me.

[Disenchanted3]

I'm sorry but if this is true thats just horrific.

Regardless of your mental health back then you are today presenting yourself as a stable mother of a five year old so how can you live with that??

[aGalChangedHerName]

This cannot be real. Can it?

[Disenchanted3]

Surely the police would have wanted to examine the poor baby to determine cause of death?
I can't see them just sending you on your way ...

[Knickers0nMaHead]

oh god what a horrid thing to have to go through. I think you really need to speak to someone about this.

[flashbackgirl]

disenchanted - the police said that because of the length of time involved they'd not be able to establish the cause of death so they did not want to examine her.

This is real I wish it wasn't. This is my real living nightmare. My heart breaks and the guilt weighs down every day of my life.

Believe me I have to live with it every day of my life. I understand why the police and social services did what they did but not the hideously insensitive way they treated me. They didn't just send me on my way they put me through lentghy interviews and investigaion and didn't leave my life until my baby was a year old. All I could do was tell them the truth at every stage. In some ways it helped me deal with my grief.

I'm sorry I wanted an outlet for everything in my head and I was scared to talk so I did it here. I suppose I should have known I'd be judged. I'll not post here again under this name, all I've done is make things worse for myself.

[sobloodystupid]

You really do need to speak to someone flashbackgirl. Please ring Samaritans or similar who may be able to counsel you initially or put you in the right direction. Your story is shocking, I don't think anyone is judging you at all just that it is upsetting to think of what you've been through .

[HeadFairy]

flashbackgirl, please don't go. What you went through is horrendous, and you know what you did was wrong, I'm not sure why people on here are being quite so harsh on you.

Is the legal matter regarding your first baby dealt with now? Have you told the police where your first baby is? Has her body been recovered and buried?

If the answer to those is yes, then I think you need to seek professional counselling to help you deal with your guilt. It's totally understandable to feel guilty about this, I don't condone what you did, but you were under tremendous strain and people react in strange ways when they are under such strain.

If the answer to those is no, then I think the only way you'll be able to deal with the guilt is to sort these things. Your baby deserves to be buried with respect and dignity. It'll help you to cope with your feelings about the whole thing too.

It may be very very hard to revist this time of your life, but I think it's absolutely essential to your recovery otherwise it'll always haunt you.

FWIW I think the police and ss treated you very insensitively. Someone in your circumstances is obviously suffering a mental breakdown from the stress and needs to be treated as such, not as a criminal (even though what you did is a criminal offence - there are always degrees of criminality)