How am I going to talk to a male counsellor about this

[lostitoday]

Hi
I am due to have my first session tomorrow morning about what is probably a ridiculous situation.
2 years ago I started trying for a baby and was very excited at the prospect of a second dc.
I never expected it to be plain sailing as I had just gone 37 at the time and I was aware that early menopause was in my family between the ages of 39 and 40.
I already have one child and always wanted another but my dp was not at all keen and it was a difficult subject to broach with him.
I did manage to bring him round on this and we started ttc.
Now two years down the line without success I am now going through an early menopause without any hope now of having another child.
I just cannot get over the loss of another dc and feel hurt and heartbroken.
My feelings about this have become out of control and have taken over my life.
At the same time I feel pathetic for been so down about this and I am worried that this counsillor will not understand especially a male I just don,t feel comfortable talking to him about this.
What the hell do I say.
All that I know is that I feel truly devastated to the core and I feel as though my dp has not got a clue how I feel as he brushes me off all of the time saying its no big deal, and now I feel resentment to him and feel that he has become part of the problem.
One of the biggest things going on in my head is that I should have started ttc earlier and have brought this misery on myself.
Do you think my counsillor will understand or am I going to look a complete loon.

[jkklpu]

Really sorry to hear that your situation is getting you so down.

I'd have thought that a properly trained counsellor is looking out for the issues that mean the most to the people who are asking for support and it shouldn't make a difference if it's a man or a woman. If you're up-front about what's making your life difficult, then he'll be sympathetic and help you talk about it and, as far as possible, develop coping strategies. The substance of the problems won't matter to the counsellor, whether it's a bereavement, complicated family history, major health scare, relationship problems. If he's experienced, I'm sure you won't be the first woman he's talked to about problems relating to babies.

And, if there's anything that leads you not to want to talk to him a second time, you should be able to ask for someone else.

Good luck.

[pinkteddy]

Of course you won't look a complete loon. I totally sympathise, you must be devastated. I am sure the counsellor will be very experienced and will have worked with other clients with similar issues/problems. It will be helpful for you to talk it through with someone completely impartial who as Riven says will give you space and time to talk it through. Please give it a try at least, what have you got to lose?

[hester]

I think any counsellor worth the title will completely understand how devastating this has been for you. If you feel more comfortable talking to a woman, by all means ask for that. But do talk... you are grieving a huge loss, and you deserve help and support to get you through it.

[FabulousBakerGirl]

riven I didn't want to go to my session and I am glad I did. It really helped. I had a wobble this morning and nearly cried but I know I will be okay eventually.

[TotalChaos]

A male perspective though could be useful for helping you work through how you feel about your husband's lack of support? I saw an excellent male psychologist for different issues some years back - at first I felt uncomfortable with it not being a woman - but I think that having a very competent and empathetic professional means you stop really noticing the gender...

good luck to you and riven with your first sessions.

[lostitoday]

I have to do something as my feelings are so out of control I can,t even bear to look at a pregnant woman without feeling insanely jealous it has completely changed me.
I keep thinking back to my younger years and feel as though I have wasted my chances of having the family that I really wanted all along, I just didn,t realise at the time that it would become so important.
I was happy enough at first I would day that my feelings of wanting another dc came on about 3 years ago quite strong.
Has I said I knew that when I did eventually start trying it may not happen straight away but I just cannot deal with never having another and the maternal feelings are so strong.

[lostitoday]

Yes I am Riven I find this difficult to talk about without crying.

[thirtysomething]

counsellors are trained to empathise with your difficulties/issues etc whatever they are - the fact he is male shouldn't matter at all, as there is no necessity for counsellors to have experienced the same issues as you in order to be able to understand and help you IYKWIM. provided he knows what he is doing, is properly trained and is generally a "good" counsellor you are likely to find the experience very useful as a way of helping you come to terms what is, effectively, a significant loss in your life.

By the way, counsellors are very used to tears and it is totally normal to cry in front of them - it can often be a good thing as you are letting go of some of your distress etc. i hope it goes as you want it to and that you are able to find a way though this.

[hester]

Don't worry about crying. Cry. Your task in counselling is not to hold it all together; it is to be brave enough to be open and honest about your feelings and your responses, and committed to working through a process that will allow you to get to a better place. It won't be fun at the time - you will feel terribly churned up and emotional - but it should give you what you need to start healing and moving forward.

Good luck.

[lostitoday]

I am sorry Riven Thinking of you also.
Let me know how you get on.

[lostitoday]

I feel as though my problem will seem so minor compared to others that he has seen such as people coping with bereavment etc you can understand peoples devastation at that can,t you? but what is he going to think when I walk in and present this to him.
I am curling up with embarrassment my family have persuaded me to go ahead with this but I feel so uneasy about it.

[pinkteddy]

Its not minor to you and that's what is important. Who is to say that your grief isn't as significant as someone elses? The counsellor certainly won't be judging you.

[pinkteddy]

How did it go today lostit and riven? Hope it went well.