Concerned about my mums mental health,long story...

[parker1313]

In Oct 08 my dad approached me about leaving his and mums house and finding somewhere else.
I grew up in that house and left when I was 21 and I am now 33.
It is not habitable anymore and wasnt when I left.
It has no heating but one gas fire in the living room.It is a 3 bed semi.It has broken windows.Not double glazed.It has had no improvements done ever by them and they brought it 30 yrs ago.
The gutterin is full of moss etc.The roof has lots of broken tiles.
My ex bedroom wall has hardly any plaster on it so the next bedroom can been seen thru the wood bits in the wall.
The bathroom ceiling has half caved in so the sky can be seen.There is no sink in the bathroom and there is damp all thru the house.
There is only warm water as the boiler is on its way out.
My mum is a horder so the house is full of rubbish.The oven is as old as me.The gas stove doesnt work.
Gosh what else.Its an absolute mess.
I was so please when my dad approached me.
I looked into selling it but no one would value it.The next plan was to approach the council.
The council visited the property and brought a team with them.
My parents have an old dog who is not socialised so is nasty.
I had to arrange whilst my dad was a t work for my mum to take the dog for a walk while we went in to look.
The council took pics.
It enabled me to get them on the housing needs register to apply for properties.
It was all going so well
We had to go in to the council and fill in forms.I broke down crying on many occassions including when I went in to look round with the council.
It was hard to revisit where I was brought up.
I knew after seeing the house again I couldnt let them live in that for much longer.
I felt sorry for both of them even though it was all there doing!
My mum has always been a bit weird bless her.She always embarrassed me where ever she could!
My dad tried very hard when me and my brother were young to keep the house ok but my mum cintrolled everything.Dad just wanted an easy life with no stress.
Anyway about a month ago an offer came thru for a ground floor flat amongst lovely old peoples bugalows. 2 double bedrooms as they dont share a room anymore.A lovely garden.
It was perfect.
The council came to see my parents at my house to verify that nothing had changed and we then viewed the flat the next day.
My mum acted very strangely.
My children were very excited and my son ran over to my mum and asked where he would be sleeping.My mum dismissed him completely.
She walked out and it was then I realised th problem.
I didnt imagine this at all.
She didnt want the flat.She said it smelt and was damp!
I got really angry and said if she doesnt move in I will never speak to her again!
I then calmed down.I spoke to my dad and he said she doesnt want to move at all!!!!
I was and am devistated.
She wont talk about it at all.
She will not move and doesnt care if dad leaves her.
We eventually last week had to turn thr offer of the flat down.
Im so upset that I cannot spk to her at all.I tried to talk to her soon after the viewing and thoug I had got somewhere but when it came to it she would not sign.
She said she wants a shed in the garden and electric to it so she do her sewing in there,I told her I wanted to care and look after her and go shopping together.We have never been like that with each other and i though it could be a fresh start.
We are now not talkin and I stopped her seeing my children. I dont trust that she wont hurt us all.
Iv been to see her doctor and asked if he can do anything.He talked to her.She sent a message back to me thru dad saying "the doctor doesnt think Im mad"
Iv spoke to the doc again and me&my dad are going to see him again tomorrow.
Am I doing the right thing?
I want to prove that there is something not right with her and find out why she wants to stay in that mess!
Its not right for her to stay there,she wont survive another winter in there.She is 65 now.She is always poorly.Breathing problems etc.
I need to get her out of there.She thinks that we are all against her.
Im doing this because I care and wish Id thought of doing it yrs ago.
I want the doc to visit her and see what she is living in.
Where do I stand with this?

[Tortington]

its a difficult one, i can se why she would want to stay in her house - its hers.

i think the only way to force change is to get the environmental health department to declare it unfit or soemthing - maybe if you spoke to the housing officer who views it with you and ask him/her what other avenues you could explore, adding that as she could appreciate you don't want to leave your parents like this.

i think that you may need a metaphorical stick.

it may be better if you could support your mum to make better choices around her way of living - but i understand that it might not be possible.

[parker1313]

She isnt realistic.She behaves like she is in the clouds.
She wouldnt talk.She turns into a child.Her body language turns in to childlike bahaviour.

[parker1313]

Funny that you saying its a difficult one.I called about 8 different numbers for social services and they all said that.
I cant find any help.

[Tortington]

i think you should push for s social services assessment.

my mother had a mental illness - and i was in much the same boat as you

she was clinically paranoid and on occasion deluded - and this was exaserbated by horrific tinnitus as far as i can tell.

anyway, i called everyone i could to look in on her as she lived alone and i pushed and push social services - it wasnt' easy i got passed from pillar to post for weeks.

eventually after a couple of visits - they found that as she wasn't a danger to anyone or herself, hat frankly they couldn't do anything

anyway she died and i found her two weeks later becuase no one ever visited her

the point is that maybe as long as they are happy and safe - there isn't anything to be done?

but worth doin ewhat you can through social services.

[KirstyJC]

Is it possible they could get a grant to upgrade some areas of the house? If she won't move (and you can't force her - it's not possible - as an OT I get involved with housing issues for vulnerable older adults and you CANNOT force them legally and maybe it's not worth the relationship to try?) then maybe you could see if they can improve the house.

If they are on some benefits you could get help for new boiler, insulation, radiators etc. If they are 65+ then they should qualify for some help. The council presumeably think it's unfit for habitation otherwise they wouldn't have offered her another place. Social Services environmental health may be able to offer some help - also try a social worker although without consent from your mum it will be tricky. Your dad may be able to get a social worker from the older persons team at Social Services - try asking him. Nothing can be done without permission but if he lives there too then he might be able to get something done.

Good luck - really feel for you

[parker1313]

Oh dear.Its horrible isnt it.
I also feel a big reason for wanting to get her help is so maybe if there is a diagnosis for her behaviour I could stop feeling this hatred (strong word I know) and hurt about her.It would explain how and why she could be so seflish to my dad and the hole family when we are so worried.
She made me believe for so long that she would move out and then suddenly she behaves like this with no respect for any of us.
She made demands of wanting a top class shed in the garden which led me to believe it would happen and then couldnt even tell me why she wont move!
I feel very angry and so hurt and upset.I cry myself to sleep thinking of her in that bed I saw!!

[parker1313]

Could do with some more advice on this?