Can anyone give me advice/reassurance (Long sorry)

[Kitsilano]

My very lovely nanny has been suffering from severe depression for over a year now. In the summer she tried to harm herself and I took her to a psychiatrist who gave her antidepressants and after some delay (NHS) she started counselling. I thought things were getting better as she said she was fine but over Christmas it became clear that she was still in a bad way and she was referred to the community mental health team. As she has no family or friends in the country and says she doesn't trust people I have become their point of contact and they have told me they have become increasingly concerned about her. Last week they decided that she must go into hospital voluntarily or be sectioned. She's been in hospital this week and I hahve visited her and attended meetings about her progress. They are looking to discharge her next week at some point.

My concern at this point is her state of mind - but also the safety of my children. She is wonderful with them and they adore her but if she has been suicidal this makes me very anxious about leaving them in her care. Even more so because she gave the impression of being fine for several months when she clearly wasn't. This is complicated by the fact that she has apparently (though she denies this to me) told the mental health team that her job with me is the one thing that keeps her from harming herself. So even if I were to think about letting her go - I would feel directly respopnsible if something happened to her.

I feel really trapped by the situation, I care about her, want to help her but am very anxious about the whole thing. And it is a responsiblity feeling like her "carer". Plus how long will this go on? In a couple of years I wont need a nanny - how will she cope then?

I don't really see I have any option but to carry on supporting her - I couldn't forgive myself for "abandoning" her but I'm feeling quite unhappy about it all at bthe moment.

I would love some advice or words of comfort.

[clutteredup]

It seems to me that the mental health team are taking advantage of you. its lovely that you are kind and helpful and great that you have been so helpful but you must not be made to feel responsible for her state of heath esp at the of your own children. i don't think anyone would disagree with you that she is not in a fit state to take care of your children if she is not fit to care for herself. You cannot be made to feel that by not employing her it will cause her more harm - your employment of her is to look after your children not to provide therapy for her - you have been kind and she is lucky to have you but you cannot risk your children's safety or happiness by using them to provide her with therapy - put your DC first , she will survive and if she does get worse all the more reason that she should not be caring for your DC. Good luck.

[wobbegong]

Gosh this is a difficult one.

I have another friend who ended up being the "key person" for a mutual acquaintance who was sectioned. Once he had gained that title on her medical notes, that was it, he was going to all the meetings about her etc. It was actually quite a difficult situation and he got in way above his head, and in fact started to resent her to be honest for putting him in this situation. He liked her but they weren't especially good friends TBH. As she was alternately hallucinating, self-harming or blotto on medication, she didn't realise this, and her family (also abroad) seemed more than happy for him to carry the can.

This is going to sound horribly harsh but, drawing on his experience, it seems that you have two options:

1. to keep on employing her, doing everything, caring for her. She may be in and out of hospital, but it seems unlikely that she will actually do anything which might harm your kids (but obviously I cannot tell from this distance, maybe the health people can). If you are an altruistic, very moral person, you will find yourself taking this route, and it will be a bloody hard slog trust me.
   
   
2. totally wash your hands, and insist that her family back home come and do their part. This is the selfish option, and the one my friend ended up taking. After he supported our mutual acquaintance for between 1 and 2 years though various crises he just snapped, and now they don't see each other any more.
   
   I am sorry if this is not very comforting but, depending on her diagnosis, you may be in this one for the long haul.

[Kitsilano]

Both of those options seem dreadful though realistically it look like that is what it boils down to.

I am already feeling slightly resentful about it to be honest. I'm ending up paying her and paying another babysitter at the same time to look after my kids while I go to meetings about her/visit her in hospital.

It seems ridiculous but how could I walk away?

[MsBump]

hello Kitsilano

This is a very tricky situation to be in and I really feel for you.

I have to say I agree with Clutterdup. I think your nanny's mental health team are taking advantage of you being so caring.

I used to be a nanny and knew quite a few foreign nanny's who had no family in the UK and adopted their employers family as their own 'family'. IMHO just because your nanny has reportedly said that its only caring for your family that is keeping her sane...does not make it true. She is obviously not considered medically capable of looking after number 1 at the moment and so should NOT be looking after your kids.

I think on a selfish note you have every right to wash your hands of this situation, however I think I would probably be the same and feel responsible. Is there any way that you can make some compromises here like explain that you need some consistency for your kids sake (ie get a new nanny) but that you are willing to be a friend and help her in any reasonable way you can through her 'therapy'?

I also think you should contact the CAB about your rights in terms of her 'employment' just so that if things get messy in any way you are clued up as to your rights as an employer.

If you are already starting to resent her for this situation then I honestly think you need to step back from this situation sooner rather than later because if she has attachment issues regarding your family then things will only get worse the longer you appear to be 'there' for her and then you suddenly (and understandably so) can't handle it any longer and totally sever yourself.

Anyway I hope you come to the right decision for you and your family. Good luck

[LoveBeingAMummy]

Agree with the others you've done more than you needed to and now need to get on with your family life.

[Kitsilano]

I know you are all right and this is the advice I would give it were someone else in my position. But it is so hard when I know and care about my nany, my kids love her and she has no other friends or family here.

[LoveBeingAMummy]

You need to speak to the team that's lookng after her. Good luck I know it'll b tough

[mrsgamp]

Kitsilano, have you had the opportunity to let the team caring for her know exactly how you feel? If so, what have they said?

[Kitsilano]

I did speak to her psychologist before the last meeting and made it clear that they could not let her out "into my care" and I have arranged to go away next week anyway so hopefully that will provide some distnace. They wanted me to go to another review meeting but I have said I can't.

I think I need them to reassure ME that she is fit to work woth children rather than me reassuring them that her job is still open and I will keep an eye on her.

[mrsgamp]

Hi. I too agree with what everyone has said here. There is rarely a 'quick fix' with the sorts of problems your nanny appears to have. Most importantly, I think you need to be reinforcing to the care team that you are not responsible for her. She should have a discharge planning meeting before leaving hospital and, even if you can't attend, you should have the opportunity for your views to be recorded and made clear.

I wish you well with what is a truly heartbreaking situation.