Verging on suicidal

[Gravitygirl]

I feel like Im losing the plot, I am really really struggling. I just keep thinking what is the point in my life , it is so shit I dont see why I should even live it.

I am going through psychodynamic theraphy at the moment for an eating disorder linked to childhood abuse. I am finding it so very difficult to get by. My H and I are on the verge of divorce. I thought I loved him but Im not sure I can stand anything about him anymore, I just keep questioning why I have settled for someone on paper sounds god damn awful.....
Im terrified off making any decisions in what is an awful time anyway and end up making the wrong ones for my children and myself.

H is no support in all of this as he says he cant understand theraphy ,I am only staying around for the children, who I love more than anything and they are my reason for living ( I feel sad that I really mean that)

Oh I dont know Im going on but I just need someone to talk too as I feel like Im going mad. I have no support from anywhere I just dont know where to turn.

[nowwearefour]

I am not at all qualified to respond to your post other than I could not let it go unanswered. I have been suicidal in the past and know how it feels. The Samaritans are always there at the end of a phone and are trained to speak with people feeling very low indeed and are totally non judgmental. Big hugs to you sent from this corner of the world.

[LucyEllensmummy]

Are you having a panic attack? I get like this? Can you do some deep breathing - sit up straight, breathe slowly in using your diaphram (conciously think about it and it just seems to do it!) in and out, slowly until you start to feel more calm. You need to get some oxygen around your body to counteract the adrenalin and you WILL feel better.

How long have you been having the therapy - ive not heard of it before - what does it involve? Just that im interested and it might help for you to write it down?

I don't have any advice just wanted you to feel supported. Could you ask your DH to go along to some therapy sessions with you - my DP totally doesn't get my counselling (hes a man!) and need for it, he thinks i go there to whine about him (i don't) i just don't talk to him about it as his inability to "get it" winds me up - it doesn't mean he doesn't care though. My situtation though is VERY different from yours.

[LucyEllensmummy]

I second what justabout says (and waves!!), sometimes i come out of counselling feeling really shit, but actually it really does help.

[Gravitygirl]

Im not sure if I need medication, probably but Im too scared to start down that road. I feel like once I do that, it will be a slippery slope.

I realise that the journey Im on will have highs and lows and yes, I think its because its all coming to the surface and I just feel like sobbing but I still cant let myself.

Things with my husband are dreadful, I just feel so numb with him . He does not understand any of this but says we have never really been happy, feels neglected blah de blah. Im sure he has his own issues but he wont except them and his lack of acceptance is driving me to hate him.

I am so so down. I feel so terrible for my kids as they are being so neglected in terms of activities etc ( Im still managing to feed them, get them dressed, cuddles on my knee etc) but I have no will to do anything else.

How long will this go on for.......

Im sorry Im so insular I have nothing to give at the moment.

[LucyEllensmummy]

I felt exactly the same as you do about the medication. But honestly, they have made such a positive difference to me. Especially alongside the counselling. Anti-depressants are not like they used to be, they don't dull your mind, they just take the edge of anxiety and allow you to function. I think, especially as you are probably having to face up to some pretty shit things just now that they would really benefit you.

You are not neglecting your children, you clearly love them, and for now - thats enough. Baby steps, one thing at a time - if you set the goal posts to high you are setting yourself up for failure.

I don't know about where you live, but it is a beautiful day here. Will you do something for me? Get dressed, get some warm (ish) clothes on the children and take them for a walk - even if you go to the corner shop for a packet of crisps. It WILL make you feel better today.

[ByThePowerOfGreyskull]

Gravitygirl - couldn't read and run.

will come back as soon as I can,
I have been where you are now and am currently having EMDR for PTSD as a result of abuse as a child.
from an outsiders point of view my life is perfection, husband 2 great kids, but I have felt suicidal for so long.

I currently take citalopram, it has given me the strength to go through the EMDR and also to function on a day to day basis, I don't feel drugged up and somedays I feel so normal that I can't see the point in taking them but then I remember that I am feeling more normal BECAUSE I am taking them.

Keep talking, on here and to your GP and Therapist, be kind to yourself, it sounds like you are a great mum.

Back later.

[Gravitygirl]

Thanks for your replies and thanks for thinking of me (weak smile)

I am doing ok, feeling a bit brighter for now.
Thinking about medication but so worried it will have some horrible effect on me and I will be stuck on them for life etc etc.

BTPOGS- What is EMDR?, glad to hear that the medication seems to help.

Right must go to bed, and brace myself for the week ahead.

Thanks again x

[ThreadieMair]

Gravitygirl,

Sorry things are so hard. I just wanted to say a couple of things. One is that psychodynamic therapy can make you feel awful while it is going on -- even if the net effect is beneficial. I went through years of it without having to cope with a family at the same time. It must be very hard to keep things running. The standard advice is not to make any lifechanging decisions while going through the therapy. Can you put big questions about your relationship on hold for now? It will take some pressure off you.

The other thing is that anti-depressants aren't a big deal. They aren't a slippery slope, any more than aspirin is a slippery slope to morphine. (They might not even help all that much.) They are nothing to be frightened off. Don't be afraid to consider them if you need to.

[LucyEllensmummy]

Most people who are given ADs are put onto prozac "type" medication. The advantage is that it is not addictive, although you do have to come off them slowly as you will get withdrawl symptoms. They are not without side effects - im quite tired on mine, and the first week i felt sick, rushy and had major panic attacks. But it settled down and made everything so much easier to cope with. Im thinking about coming off them now, but im not sure im ready - still don't think ive dealt with the routes of my anxieties. Because im not sure what they are! Had a pretty "normal" upbringing. I am going to start reducing my dosage next time i renew.

You should look up threads on here on Citalopram, which is what i take and it seems to be the drug of choice. lots of people with positive experience of it. A few who it didnt suit, but nothing suits everyone. The packet comes with a long list of side effects and its quite scary - put me off taking them at first tbh. But you just get to a point where you know you have to do something.

Maybe mention to your therapist about it? See what she/he thinks. Just to take the edge off while you deal with the really shit stuff.