what do i do? lonely... long post sorry...

[melll]

hello, i wonder if any of you can tell me what i ought to do. about me: i'm early twenties, single mum to a 9 month old. i've always been shy and quiet and for a long time i just liked my own company perfectly much. i've been depressed on and off since i was about 14. never had any help. i'm an only child. i don't get along with my dad much never have but he's good to my daughter. and as for my mum she's great a big help. but one day she's gonna die...my daughter sees her dad once a week.
three months ago i moved out to live alone with my daughter. at about the same time i cut off my ex who i suppose i still loved but who was not treating me with any respect. it was hard... at near enough the same time i had to cut off my daughter's father. he caused me stress and such and put his hatred for me before his daughter's welfare. he was my best friend once. my daughter gave me strength and for a while i felt proud for respecting myself and her more.

i have two friends currently: one's a boy who doesn't see anyone much. we pretty much only speak on msn. he's a friend and no more (tried and tested lol). the other's a girl who lives well over an hour away. but we meet up once a month ish for shopping trips.

i get very nervous and make people uncomfortable with it. so making friends is hard. and unfortunately depression left me distanced from my schoolfriends so i never kept them around like most people. and even when i for some reason eg at children's centre i am chilled and manage a bit of seemingly normal conversation, i never see the people again.

the last few days my daughter and i have been so bored. i've been so tired and haven't tidied and wanted to sleep and hibernate. i've got us out at times despite feeling pretty agrophobic and having the tensest, occasionally twitchy face ever. but it's been rubbish. i've been stressed, i've woken from a perfectly nice dream in the middle of the night and immediately felt stress and arm pain. and i'm so lonely. i don't want to take anti depressant pills. if i'm gonna take drugs i'd rather they were fun as well as helpful. i'm socially retarded. i really am. i feel like going nuts in the way of that guy off'v revolutionary road. forgetting about social rules entirely... not that i'm even familiar with them. but that's no good for my daughter, so i stay, i try and keep it together like i've done all my life. it's the sensible thing to do... always done the sensible thing...i even drink pretty sensibly, circumstances considered.
i've started various classes with regular adults (thanks again to my mum for babysitting) but i don't know how long i can wait for any of them to bear friendship fruit. and i'm really not used to going so long without sex... (well, unless i'm pregant but that's different)...

what on earth are my options? i'm starting to feel that my previously happy contented daughter is getting less so due to boredom cooped up indoors. i don't want to let her down.

do i sound horrible?

[BarkingHarriet]

Hi Melll, I don't know anything about depression, and I'm sure someone will come along soon who can tell you loads. I just wanted to say no, you don't sound horrible, you sound like a normal person who's trying to cope as best she can with everything around her. Please don't beat yourself up, being a mum is hard, nobody tells you about the guilt, the worry, the stress of it all, and babies are physically tiring as well. Have you spoken to anyone about how you feel? Your GP or HV?

[Nontoxic]

This time of year can be an awful strain with a lo - and it's exacerbated by this snow. You start to get cabin fever and dwell on any problems or sadness.

From what you say it sounds as if your childhood was miserable - are you getting any help with counselling?

You don't sound horrible, just really lonely, and you're not letting your DD down - just being around her is enough at this age.

You're being really brave, but don't feel you have to. Try and see your gp and ask for counselling.

[Amandoh]

No, you don't sound horrible at all! To be honest I think all of us feel like this at times. Having a child can be isolating. I can remember when I was a single parent and I would go days without seeing another adult and often wondered if I was going mad. I did worry that when I did interact with people that I wasn't saying the right things and missing all the social cues that other people had no trouble recognising.

"what on earth are my options? i'm starting to feel that my previously happy contented daughter is getting less so due to boredom cooped up indoors. i don't want to let her down." ...

Are there any local groups you and your daughter can attend? You won't make a friend straight away as friendships need a bit of work but it'll get you both out and you'll feel happier because your daughter will have fun.

Don't give up the classes just because you haven't made any friendships yet. Again, finding a friend takes time and might need some effort on your part. Is there anyone there you could see yourself clicking with? Have you struck up conversation with them?

If you're serious about making more friends then have a look on the Meet-ups board. If there isn't a thread local to you listed then start your own!

Can't help with the lack of sex but there's more chance of meeting someone if you get out of the house. Obviously you could go down the online dating route but it might be best if you feel a bit more confident and independent before starting a new relationship.

If the waking in the night and feeling anxious is becoming a regular event then seeing your GP is probably a wise move. You wouldn't have to take any drugs that you didn't want to and you may be able to have some therapy sessions to help you deal with the agoraphobia.

[melll]

hi thanks no i haven't seen my gp for counselling. will that be there in my bed at night?! I suppose i'd better try anyway. i don't actually have a health visitor at the mo due to having moved areas. but i know something about counselling and don't think the endless boring bla bla this went wrong and dwelling on it is for me. i want results, forward movement, ideas, practical help... that's asking too much though isn't it lol. not unless you have cash to splash. but what else can i do i suppose the counselling is worth a go in the don't knock it till you've tried it way. but i wish there was something more...

[Nontoxic]

The counselling I had a few years ago wasn't the blah blah and dwelling of your experience - much to my disappointment at the time as I'd always rather looked forward to getting it all in the open and being analysed.

I had CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) which simply enables you to feel better in the moment and ultimately to cope with all that life throws at you, able to see things in a more positive light.

I have to say, it wasn't a huge success for me, mainly lbecause I didn't really hit it off with the counsellor, but I know a lot of people swear by it, and it's worth a try.

[yousaidit]

melll, just on the comments re your daughter getting bored, why not go to some parent and toddler groups? don't go with the notion of setting up new friendships for yourself, but for your daughter to socialuise. i don't have too many friends, but i go to a couple of parent and toddlert groups a week for my dd to see other kids and play with them. we never meet any kids out of the group, nor do i meet any mums out of the group, but at the group we do say hello and chat, and it is nice just to see f=different faces to have general chit chat (plus, knowibg you are on;y seeing them at a p&t group may make you less nervous as you don't feel pressured to 'make' friends/) and seeing your dd play with others will prob make you feel a little better hopefully?

[melll]

yousaidit and amandoh- yes i do try and get to the local parent and baby/toddler groups at least once a week and in fact i have a plan to go three times next week! (i asked as to the best days to go) just so that my daughter has something different to do. i even bring my book or a sudoku as i know that apart from a few mins of inane chit chat it's bloody boring for me! i do try and get her out it's just that i find it more difficult at times, what with the tiredness and near- inability to face people.

nontoxic - that's a shame. did you not get a choice as to what type of counselling you would get?

[Amandoh]

Melll ~ Don't take your book or sudoku puzzles along as it gives the impression you want to be left alone. If you're bored it might force you into having a conversation with someone.

Yes, initial chit-chat is a bit banal but once you find some common ground with someone it won't be.