please tell me you feel this way too....just sometimes

[claustraphobicashell]

I dont know really where to start, I dont want this to be a long post as I feel that takes a lot of reading and really I dont feel like i deserve that much attention tbh.

My dd is really getting me down atm, I cant move and I am really starting to resent it.

I adore her completely and she is my absolute light but she is attached to my hip. she is a real loner and although she has friends she will only tolerate them for 1/2 hour or so and then wants to be away from them.

Oh this is so hard to write as i feel like a complete bitch....I just feel that every waking moment is spent with her right next to me, (when im not in work and she isnt at school) she is 8 btw.

It is as if she sees herself as older than her friends and they are very childish and she wants to act much older. She is fantastic to be around, not demanding in terms of wanting this and that, and is a great help at shopping etc etc. I just cannot move, she seems so insecure about where I am and what I am doing ( I think that is the nail on the head)and she has to be there....I feel like I cant breathe sometimes and that just antagonises her and makes her more insecure...wanting to be with me even more. I just want her to have a happy time and be a happy child. She constantly turns on her older DS and they do torment each other but she will shout and scream at the top of her voice and come to me telling tales...Oh i just cant deal with it any more. It is makeing me cry just writing all of this, I dont know what to do.

I love her so much, but after the day i had with her yesterday, I dont feel like I can do another day like that. She followed me from room to room. In the end i shouted "oh fgs will you find something to do" at which point she broke down and said "but mummy i just want to be with you"

....writing this is making me feel so bad, I am such a horrible person, please help me, what do i do.

[compo]

Are you a lone parent? If not can't her father take her out for a bit?
She should understand at 8 the need for personal space tbh

[claustraphobicashell]

I have days when I think....I will give her tonnes of attention and she will then be happy and she will be able to go and do her own thing...but I fell like she latches on to that and it is even worse then.

I want her to feel independent and secure and able to play on her own and have quality time with us all as a family...but with DD it is all or nothing, and when it is nothing, the whole family pays with her screams and shouts and argueing

She can be, even at this age soooo hormonal,she will break down crying at the slightest thing and go in to a rage with her DS for nothing in particular, and you know the truth is I can see so much of me in her, and that is what makes me sad, I know how she feels and i understand it, but i cant do a damn thing about it

[claustraphobicashell]

compo, I am not alone and DP does try his best, he does a lot with her but he is away atm and wont be back till xmas eve. I know she misses him but this has been going on longer than him being away.

[NCRedBreastedBirdy]

Have you tried setting her up with independant play? I know she is a bit old but is it worth a try?

E.g. get a kit to make something, like one of those pencil case kits, no sewing, just something she is well capable of doing. Set her up and talk about ideas of things she could do (get her to suggest things) then say "right, you make the most wonderful pencil case, I am going to clean the bathroom/put away washing for 10 minutes and then I will be back to se how you are getting on". You then go away for around 7 minutes (thereby changing her perception of 10 mins being a long time). WHerever you go it must be clear that you are doing something dull and you must be far enough away, ie not in the next room. After 7 mins you come back all bright and breezy, "Oh wow look how well you have done, have you thought about../I love the way you have..." and spend a couple of minutes then say "right I am going to finish off the washing, I will only be 10 minsutes, should we read a bok together after that?" This way each period of alone time is rewarded with a period of you time IYSWIM.

Make sure her brother is not going to disturb her or upset her as it will reinforce negatives if he does. If she does follow you try to do the "no contact" sleep return thingy that super nanny does - ie don't really engage her just say "how are you doing with the pencil case, I can't wait to see how lovely it is, it will be really nice for me to see something pretty after all this dull washing/whatever" and kind of guide her back to it.

Does any of that make any sense at all?

[XmasPud]

Is it easier when you are all out of the house?
I know when I feel totally trapped by my girls (awful to admit, but it really is a trapped feeling), physically breaking out of the house really helps me.
How about all wrapping up warm, grabbing a bag of bread/duck food and heading off for a good walk somewhere and feed the ducks? Perhaps take your camera and get DD to be in charge of taking a heap of photos of you all messing around?
Why not finish off with a lovely hot chocolate - perhaps take a flask with you or pop into a cafe altogether?

Sometimes just breaking the daily routine and doing something a little different and in fresh air can help for a while.

(My DD1 is 7 yrs old and I really recognise the following round the house bit. Sounds very familiar. You are definitely not alone!)

[claustraphobicashell]

thankyou for your replies, I dreaded getting flamed, I have thought about going to feed the ducks, and we might just do that, what a lovely idea. we could even print some of the piccies out and make a collage for when DP gets home I think they would both enjoy that!!!!

[claustraphobicashell]

NCR you made perfect sense to me thankyou,

I think I just need some perspective on it all, yesterday was quite awful, and I woke up this morning, determined that today wasnt going to be groundhog day.

I am inspired and i hope it rubs off on DD

[NCRedBreastedBirdy]

I am sure it will, feeding the ducks sounds like a great idea and making the picture after, equally so.

You go with your inspired self

(FWIW, I have a demanding girl, she started coming out of it at 9/10, we still have bad days butshe is learning self-reliance slowly but surely!)

[bubbles4]

I think you've hit the nail on the head when you say "i can see so much of me in her",this could have been written about me and my dd,one thing I find that helps is to give her little jobs to do around the house,keeps her occupied and helps me out.

[claustraphobicashell]

I want to thank you lot for listening today....i know not many responded but it really helped...we did the park thing and it brightened everyones mood..dd has had her moments today but for some reason i have been able to deal with them better.

I just felt sooooo low this morning, i couldnt have dealt with another day like the last few.

Thankyou XX

[claustraphobicashell]

I tinhk the thing that scared me sooo much is that she is so like me, she gets frustrated like me, angry like me, but it also means that when someone rejecte her she hurts like me too and i think after thinking about it today in the park, that is what made me the most sad, I couldnt bear the thought of her hurting because i had told her to leave me alone and do something else

[NCRedBreastedBirdy]

I am really glad you had a good day today! See, a problem shared ...