Way past rock bottom

[IWonderIfMamaGStillLovesMe]

I have long term depression and have been on ADs for a long time.

The last few weeks have been hard (ds1's behaviour mainly and my lack of being able to handle it properly) and I have no patience and a very short temper.

I screamed this morning, DH put the kids in the car and told me I had to stop screaming at the kids. I told him to get them to behave then.

He said he didn't want to give me a cuddle and went to work without a kiss, hug or a bye. Haven't spoken to him since.

DD was crying when she arrived in the classroom so I went to see her. Teacher not happy and told me to go. Said she would ring if any problems. No call but last time I left her crying they rang very quickly to say she was okay.

I have to go to get DS2 now.

Just wanted to get it out.

[Rhubarb]

Hey. My dh left for work without a hug or kiss either.
I spent the night in dd's room.

[Rhubarb]

[Threadworrm]

Really sorry you are having a bad time. Don't worry about what happened this AM. Children are resiliant and they have probably already bounced back. You are the one who is suffering most. Can you go back to GP to ask for more support? I've no really helpful advice, but it is natural to get very stressed when you are coping with depression and children, so don't be hard on yourself.

[IWonderIfMamaGStillLovesMe]

It isn't the end of the world what DH did. I truly feel I am ruining my kid's lifes. I had a terrible childhood in care and I so wanted my kids to have a happy childhood. what they have got is a mother who feeds and clothes them and doesn't do much else except shout and scream at them.

[Rhubarb]

Say sorry. I've had mornings like that. The kids haven't been ready on time, books not put in bookbags, shoes still not on despite me asking them 10mins ago. I run a tight schedule and I get very angry when the kids are not on time, especially when I've told them twice and they are still watching the TV. I've yelled at them and marched them both off to school still going on at them. I've been furious. Mornings are generally bad for me.

I do say sorry when I see them again. I explain that mummy still loves them and that I shouldn't shout and scream, but I get angry when I feel I am being ignored by them. I then talk to them about how we can make the mornings better. So now we have a system whereby I will shout a warning to them to have everything ready 10mins before we are due to go out and I'll switch the TV off at that point. They then have to ensure that all their stuff is ready and they are by the door in their coats and shoes.

They know what is expected of them then, I feel more relaxed knowing that a 10min warning is plenty of time. It has worked so far. We still have our off days though.

I am impatient, I expect too much at times, I tend to fly off the handle. But the most valuable lesson I've learnt is to always say sorry to them, because no-one ever apologised to me when I was little. You are only human and your children need to realise that too.

You're a better mother than you think. Remember all the good things you've done for them/with them. You love them and they know that.

[IWonderIfMamaGStillLovesMe]

But my eldest son sometimes says no when I ask him that he knows that I love him.

Feel so low.

Wondering what is the point of ringing the GP as the receptionist won't give me an appointment without a grilling about what is wrong and will upping the tanblets really help.

[jangly]

It sounds like you do need a higher dose. Ring the doc's - tell the receptionist you don't wish to discuss what's wrong but that you do need an urgent appointment. A higher dose will most likely help.

[TheMadHouse]

I dont think that upper the tablets is really the answer here. You like I are projecting our childhood on to our children and possible setting too high expectations.

I too felt I was a piss poor mum and I wanted my children to grow up not thinking and then knowing that they were the cause of it.

I was really lucky and received fantastic mental health treatment from the local crisis team and also long term help with CBT.

You need to be truthful with the GP about just how bad it is and how it is effecting everyone in the family.

Regarding the Receptionist - just tell her you have a mental health issue that needs discussing - shuts them up pretty quicky

[bongosmum]

i think you need to be really strong when you call the surgery - be blunt and just tell the receptionist that it's a private matter that you will only discuss with your G.P. sometimes their bark is worse than their bite. you are giving yourself a hard time for the behaviour that most of us display/experience at some point.try and remember back to when your children were younger. my daughter is coming up for two and sometimes she says that she "no like mummy" also "mummy go to work" when i am telling her off. within the next minute she is cuddling me and kissing me....

[IWonderIfMamaGStillLovesMe]

I apologised to DS when I got him from school for shouting at him this morning. He couldn't remember what he had done.

I felt so good giving DD a massive cuddle when she came out of school all smiles as I had had to leave her crying this morning.

DH got home at 4 (usually home 6.30) so a lovely surprise so we all had tea together. And he had brought me flowers.

Rang surgery while waiting to go in to school and told her what the problem was. Have to ring back at 5pm.

I feel like I am not all there. Like I am off centre.

I nearly went sideways into another

[bongosmum]

well, just go back and read your first post and see how desperate you were and now, how everything has calmed down...you must have a thought that can 'centre' you. don't want to come over all preachy, but it helps if you can focus. have you got an appointment?

[bellavita]

Just wanted to give you a squeeze and a cuddle.

I don't suffer depression, but I do get bad pmt - an awful red mist comes down when I am going off on one and things just come out of my mouth that I just cannot help.

I am glad you have made up with your children and DH.

xx

[Rhubarb]

Another hug your way

[IWonderIfMamaGStillLovesMe]

Mega stress last night as I couldn't get an appointment or a prescription.

Lovely lovely lovely Triage nurse spoke to me this morning and I told her some stuff I have never dared say out loud before. She gave me a GP slot and I have had my tablets upped. I also had to fill in a questionnaire that showed I definitely needed a higher dose.

Thank you all for being there.

[wotulookinat]

Thinking of you I was wondering how you were getting on. Have you considered any counselling or therapy?

[IWonderIfMamaGStillLovesMe]

I have had counselling before with no benefit and I asked the GP today and he felt it wasn't the right thing at the moment.

Sadly, and rather patheitcally, I am taking comfort from making some rather yummy muffins at 7 this morning and some mackeral pasties for hubby this afternoon. I usually feel better when I bake.

Thank you for thinking of me. Very touched.

[wotulookinat]

Now I'm thinking about the muffins instead

[ActingNormal]

Please please go to therapy and find a therapist that suits you. I think this goes far beyond just a brain chemical imbalance and tablets aren't going to cure it when there are serious underlying issues and feelings that haven't been processed. I can't believe your GP said therapy wasn't appropriate! You have had some really shit experiences and are more 'qualified' to have therapy than most people! You deserve the help and deserve to be listened to!

[bellavita]

I find baking theraputic too.

Hope you start to feel better soon now your tablets have been upped.

Try to keep smiling

[IWonderIfMamaGStillLovesMe]

AN - you know me.

BTW The muffins were apple spice and they were so good.

[wotulookinat]

I bet you didn't even save one for me!

[IWonderIfMamaGStillLovesMe]

Still some left.