Seem to have developed almost crippling anxiety... Sorry this is loooooong

[Paranoid1stTimer]

I have always suffered from anxiety and have posted on here before but I seem to rollercoaster throughout the year and feel like I can cope but at the moment, I have worsened and my anxiety almost stops me leaving the house. I passed my driving test after years of avoidance but a few things happened in the past year that made me think "I have to get on with my life and stop wasting it" which lead to somehow positively thinking my way into having my son and learning to drive. Now my son is 6 months old and I have been out with him in the car once. We were reversed into by a guy in a car park when I was leaving the car park. That just blew my little confidence and has lead to me panicking that I should not be driving as something really awful will happen when I have DS in the car and it will be all my fault.

I had to go to a party with DS the other day and it took me all morning to get up the nerve to actually phone the taxi (since I can not bring myself to drive now) and even then I almost didn't leave the house. When we got to the party, I spoke to about 2 people and DS fell asleep for the whole time so I was forced into talking to people which lead to me locking myself in the bathroom with DS for a while until I controlled shaking and stopped myself from crying. OH came to pick us up and of course he had no problem making conversation with everyone making me feel even more pathetic as he is such a confident, outgoing guy and I am this pathetic wallflower. I think he is getting fed up of me acting like this and his patience wears thin after a while.

How did you approach your GP? I am finding it very very difficult to talk to anyone at the moment and even when I do talk, I am so quiet people kind of give up. When I talk, people talk over me and its as if I have nothing of worth to say which really frustrates me. I have always had this problem. I guess I am my own worst enemy as OH is so confident and loves himself and talks about himself all the time and people are interested but I DETEST talking about myself as I think I am pathetic and have nothing interesting to say. I always think of stuff AFTER people have given up talking to me and I get so nervous I forget people (who I have known for years) names while I am talking to them (or trying to talk).

Anyway, I suppose I really have to see my GP now as nothing else I have tried is working (complimentary medicine/hypnotherapy as I ran out of money to pay for it/CBT was too expensive as well and I was too scared to go to GP as it means I will have to go over everything and I am scared they will just think I am an idiot).

Sorry for just waffling on but I am really in a bit of a state and although I can completely deal with DS and play with him no bother, I can't seem to conduct myself socially. I was fine with OH until recently I have found him impossible to talk to and feel completely isolated and alone. It has been a very difficult year with certain things happening that I thought I was dealing with but everything is starting to fray at the edges and I can't cope anymore...

I dont even know why I am typing all this but I think I just need to get it off my chest (again) and get some advice on how you handled this and what happened when you decided to get help... Thank you so much for reading this and for any advice.

[poshwellies]

Hi Paranoid,

Know excately where you are with the anxiety,poor you-it really stinks to put it mildly.

You are suffering with what sounds very much like social anxiety,I know as I am the same as you-avoidant behaviour and fear of socialising (and almost agrophobia at times).Mine got worse after a breakdown at 18 ,I had always been shy though as a child-used to dread going out to eat or to parties,I'd make excuses even at a young age,hate eye contact etc etc.Went through the whole stage of getting taxi's because I simply couldn't walk or get public transport (thankfully I'm much much better with this now!)

Please try and go to your Gp as your anxiety seems to be crippling you,they really will try and help-I'm guessing if your anxiety is paramount at the moment,it will come gushing out when you see your GP.

I was given a mental health nurse and put onto anti depressants but I had depression aswell as anxiety.The medication really helped my social anxiety when it was at it's worse.

I'm off meds now and my social anxiety is fairly stable-I'm guessing this is me and I actually have to work through this without meds-I think stopping avoidant behaviour is the the key.

A CBT book which is good is 'Mind over matter' also anything by Clare Weekes.Google social anxiety too-theres quite a good website/forum out there.

Wish you all the best!

[Paranoid1stTimer]

Wow - thank you so much Poshwellies. That was a pretty inspirational post - so you have been through the mill and are out the other side and off meds? That is really great. I think I am terrified of going to the GP, being put on whatever the "standard" is and sent home only to be on them forever without getting anywhere. I can't seem to think rationally just now and feel really... detached from reality. I worry about LO as I feel I am not good enough for him and worry that he might be picking up on my anxiety and I sooooooo do not want for him to end up like me. I just hope he takes after his dad.

Thank you very very much for posting back so quickly as this morning I am really in a state and keep crying for short bursts so am trying to keep LO occupied so he isn't subjected to it and am just going to take him out for a long walk in the buggy.

I will look for the book you are talking about.

[mou]

You seem to have expressed yourself well in writing down your concerns Paranoid. I would advise you to consider doing this for the doctor. I did it once as i had problems and he was so understanding and i think it emphasised the severity of the problem.

Once i had started to deal with it i admitted to a small number of people that i knew i could trust how i felt and they have supported me massively and a couple recognise when i am troubled and 'rescue' me.

i found the biggest pproblem was admitting i needed help, and after that it has just been a slow process of finding my feet, and i am in no way a social butterfly now. I still hide behind my children sometimes and go into my shell when i am in the school playground on my own.

I would try and look at the problem in little sections otherwise it gets overwhelming, my motto is 'little steps on a long road.' You may find that as you start the process of recovery that it is you yourself that finds coping strategies and that is a really good feeling. And possibly as that happens your OH may find it easier to help you, it may be that he is struggling too because he doesn't know how to help you and we don't like to see the people we care about suffering.

MN is brilliant because anytime you feel you are struggling, someone is here to pick you up, and somewhere along the line you find yourself helping to pick someone else up,....

all the best paranoid, and big hugs, keep posting and be brave, people are always here for you

[poshwellies]

Going for a walk is a great idea-little steps is the key!

Had all the same fears when my youngest was at nursery-somedays I couldn't take him because my anxiety was crippling me and I felt an enormous amount of guilt that he didn't have a normal mother-I almost was housebound at that point,but yes,I'm out of the other side-still shy and a anxious type though but I've accepted that I'm a good person and I work though the moments I find very difficult-mainly social occasions

This is a great book-helped me loads,I dip into it when I'm having blips www.amazon.co.uk/Self-Help-Your-Nerves-Overcoming/dp/0722531559/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=12220&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21 78792&sr=8-1

Here's her MP3s-great for downloading and listening to at night-hope it helps!
www.controllinganxiety.com/dsp_downloads.php

Good luck with your gp visit-be sure to tell them all,they will understand.

Thoughts