Is this postnatal depression?

[violentviolet]

I'm so tired, even when I wake up. And my baby isn't a bad sleeper, I'm just so, so tired and have no energy for anything. The house is an enormous mess, I haven't done anything to it for literally weeks except prepare meals for my ds during the day and for us all at night. I just eat snacks all day so I don't have to cook. I can't do the house, it feels and insurmountable task.

I feel really ashamed of how I look, I often don't get washed or dressed until dp is almost home (scared of what he'll think) I don't look after myself and I really just want to be left alone. I don't want to go out, or to tidy my house so people can come round. I just want to lie down somewhere quiet and have no responsibilities.

I'm also ashamed of the second rate job I'm doing of parenting my ds. He's a beautiful happy boy and he seems fine, spot on developmentally but we don't go out enough, and I don't do much more than the basics for him. He's always clean and fed and has plenty of toys but I feel like I'm not playing with him enough, or helping him learn enough. I feel terrible about this.

His birthday is coming up and everyone has these expectations of what I should be doing for it, but I'm not interested. I just want it all, and them all, to go away and leave me alone.

My sister suggested this might be PND, I don't know what to think. Namechanging because I'm ashamed.

[nobodysfool]

Firstly-Sending you a massive hug.
Right, i'm no expert on pnd but i had it for nearly 18 months undiagnosed as i fely to ashamed of not being able to cope and i didn't want to seem like a shit mum to everybody.
I really think it would be worth speaking to your gp (if they are the understanding type) or maybe your HV?
Can i suggest you find a mum and toddler group in your area as it makes you get dressed and out of the house and once you have done the first session i'm sure you will be really happy to go again.
It gave me a whole new group of friends who are a real strength at times.
Don't beat yourself up about feeling a faliure as i'm sure we have all been there with self doubt but as you say your ds is clean fed and happy.So you must be doing it right!!!!
You need some help in one way or another to get you through this awful time.Please strike while the iron is hot and make an aapointment to see somebody.

[TinkerBellesMum]

I'd say yes. There is a test you can take, I'm trying to remember where it is, I know NetMums have an article about PND and a link to the test. It might be worth you having a go at it.

"He's a beautiful happy boy and he seems fine, spot on developmentally but we don't go out enough, and I don't do much more than the basics for him. He's always clean and fed and has plenty of toys"

That's not an accident you know!!!

[Lemontart]

You poor thing, sounds like you are finding life quite hard right now x
If I read your post right, you have at least confided a little in your sister which is a great step. Being able to talk to anyone is a good start. I am neither qualified or able from what you have told us to say whether you are suffering from PND but it certainly sounds like it is a possibility. If not PND, it certainly sounds like you self confidence and general feeling of well being is really low.
As hard as it probably sounds, I really really think you should consider speaking to a few more people about this in RL - your dp and your GP as a starting point. Your GP will have seen many many people suffering from similar symptoms to you and will find it very normal and not embarrassing or difficult. They should be able to talk it through and find possible ways to help you through this.
Please don?t feel embarrassed or ashamed about this. Imagine for a minute that you were reading your own post and it had been written by someone else. I bet you would feel nothing but sympathy, empathy (obviously!) and want to help.

[violentviolet]

Thanks for your messages. I do go to a toddler group when it's on but it's closed til september now. I only have two friends, I don't see them very often as they are childless and work fulltime. I find it hard to make new friends because of my situation, can't have them round to the house, always look a mess, always depressing, always late etc which makes me realise just how long it's been going on.

My sister comes round once a week. We do talk but I can't be totally honest with her as she'd worry. As it is I think she only comes out of worry for ds because of how I am. I'm such a loser lol

I've been to the doctor a couple of times to try and understand why I'm feeling this way and suggested what I thought it could be so I'm scared he'll think I'm malingering if I go yet again (he isn't the most understanding of men)

Bit scared of involving the hv, what if she thinks my ds is at risk? I've never had a desire to harm him, although I've had suicidal thoughts when I've been at my lowest.

I can't see an end to this, is it permanent? If not how long does it take to go?

[snotbuster]

Has your GP done any blood tests? A thyroid problem or anaemia can both make you feel very tired too. 'Tis worth getting checked out.

[violentviolet]

He's just tested me for both at my request (cos I've been so tired) I get the results tomorrow, they do suspect a kind of anemia but surely that couldn't account for everything I've been experiencing? I may have a chat with the nurse tomorrow once we've discussed the results. And I'll update the thread too.

[snotbuster]

You'd be surprised - either can make you feel pretty dreadful. Hope it is something that's easily sorted.

[LOVEMYMUM]

Hi. I felt EXACTLY the same as you - and then some.

Please speak to your HV - sounds like classic PND. Am on anti-depressants and slowly feeling better.

I know the feeling of wanting to be left alone. I also want no responsibilties sometimes.

[megcleary]

ooh if they haven't get your ferritin checked mine was 4 norm 21 and i felt like you described

[Molliesmum]

It really sounds as if you have PND. I was diagnosed last year and have been on fluoxetine since and it really does get better. I think you realy need to talk to someone about how you feel. Dont think that everyone feels like you and they just cope better, they dont. PND is a serious illness and it makes you feel exhausted, stressed, worthless and angry. I also had feelings of wanting to harm myself, I felt I deserved it for being a useless mum. Try not to compare yourself with other mums who are not ill. I still do this now but you really cannot compare it. I think it sounds as if you are a very good mum. You are still looking after your baby well even though you feel so bad. I cannot imagine even how how it feels to enjoy looking after a newborn, I hated every minute of it. I did not even want to hold my daughter. WE have a fantastic relationship now, it will not affect your bond. Please don't be ashamed. Mums have so much pressure on them to be supermums and it is not realistic. If everyone felt they could talk openly and not feel like they were a bad mum for admitting that they find it hard I don't think there would be as many mums suffering with this illness. Please tell your doctor how you feel. You may be surprised at how supportive they are X

[capricornqueen]

hello, just reading your messages with tears in my eyes as I feel so similar to you Violet and dont really know what to do. My daughter was born 5 weeks ago and I have a toddler too, its been a real test coping to be honest. My eldest daughter is an angel and keeps patting me on the back when she see's me crying (again) and whilst she still seems happy Im worried Im not spending enuff one on one time with her, my little baby daughter is just so gorgeous, a really good baby thank god but I still feel so low and cant work out why. The house is a complete mess, my partner isnt particularly supportive and I cant talk to him about my feelings as I feel like he's just too wrapped up in his own issues, work, being tired from helping with the odd night feed etc, Im becoming resentful of him because of this too. He thinks he doesnt have to do anything to help me now because he's working and I'm on maternity leave so supporting me financially. I know I should mention my feelings to the HV but didnt really connect with her and she just seems in a rush to leave the moment she comes in anyway, I've got my postnatal check up in a couple of weeks with GP so sorta think I'll mention it to him them it I still feel the same and can muster up the courage. My GP isnt really the sympathetic type, he doesnt have alot of time for talk, I had to insist on him actually listening to me properly and referring me to a specialist when I had a suspect mole on my leg 2 years ago which he said was nothing but turned out to be a malignant melanoma so I dont really have a great deal of faith in him. God, sorry Im really whaffling on.........keep strong Violetx

[LOVEMYMUM]

Very well put Molliesmum.
Hear,hear!

[bossybritches]

VV-sounds very similar to PND to me & I've been there twice, it's horrid.

First don't worry whatever it's called you need some help, go & speak to your GP or HV(maybe when you get the results?) Anaemia can be VERY draining & gets you down cos you feel so carp generally.

Secondly don't set your sights too high re the daily grind. I used to think it a good day if I could get me & the baby up,showered & dressed by midday. If I'd done some washing or prepared a meal too then it was a VERY good day. Get loads of sleep & rest when the baby rests, ignore the housework.If it makes you feel better do ONE job like washing in/out/ONE load of pots before you sit down with a cuppa.

Thirdly... if someone says can I do anything DON'T be stoical & say no I'm fine....get them to do a load of ironing or bring something for supper/the freezer

Fourth-internet shopping for the days when you can't face going out so you have supplies plus some nice easy dinners til you get back on your feet.

Fifth-keep talking on here... loads of support & we really DON'T mind if you waffle it is very therapeutic, waffling, & vastly under-rated!

Capricorn that goes for you too love, get to the GP's or see the practice nurse or another partner if ther is one?

[Molliesmum]

I agree with bossy, don't try to rush around. I sooo wish I had just given myself a break and stayed in watching dvds and feeding my baby. I felt so pressured to be up and about and coping really well. Everyone tells you the house is not important and you dont beleive them. It has taken me a long time to realise that the time goes so quickly with little ones. Spend it with them, other stuff is not soimportant and definitely accept help! I never did because I felt it meant I was failing in some way. Do you have any family that can help you? THink about how you would
feel if onne of your friends felt that way and asked you for help. You would be there like a shot! I reall feel fr you both I really feel emotioanl when I read these posts because its so like how I felt. The tablets really do work X

[Molliesmum]

Violet, I was just wondering how you got on with the nurse? Been worrying about you!

[bossybritches]

Bump for the evening crowd

Violet you ok??

[GreenFingeredMummy]

Hi couldnt help but read this thread and think thats what I should have done. My dd is now 14mths, not sure how I made it this far?
I had always wanted a child but in the weeks prior to her birth I felt a real change, I so didnt want the baby anymore, but obviously there was nothing I could do, dh was over the moon and everyone was so excited. Anyway dd went a week overdue and took 3 soul detroying days to finally arrive. By this time I was completely broken. I had only a few hours sleep and just wanted to have nothing to do with this beautiful little bundle. After staying in hospital due to battered bladder I finally got home and proceeded to tidy the house, totally rediculous - I was in agony, totally shattered (baby had slept in hospital nursery so i could get sleep)and way out of my depth. The first 6 weeks were the longest and most depressing, I couldnt cope with dd or dh and HV was a cold useless woman. We moved dd into her own room so that I wasnt around her 24hrs a day. To cut a long story short I ignored the problem, even tho I scored a high PND result on a questionnaire and new I probably had some form od depression but I was determind everything would be fine eventually. That it was just the 'baby blues'. But even tho things have got better and I learned to cope (or hide my feelings well), some days I feel so cold towards my dd. My relationship with dh is stuck, no bedtime anticks since I was 4 mth pregnant (cant belive I just wrote that!). Maybe if I had got the help I needed right from the start it might have all been different. So dont ignore your feelings, or leave it too late. I'm sure dd hasnt suffered but for me and dh who knows...

[Molliesmum]

Totally understand what you mean. When I was suffering from PND I nearly left my husband. It got to the point where I resented him so much I couldn't stand to be around him. It is part of the illness believe it or not. It does not help when they are not supportive either.Do you think you could still be suffering? Its just that it wasn't until I had been on pills for a few months before I started to really enjoy looking after dd. I am at the point now where I am starting to decrease my dose, so whoknows, it could get hard again, but I would not care if I was on tablets forever, as long as I can enjoy caring for dd, which I do now, although I would never have believed it this time last year! I really regret leaving it as long as I did to get help because i really regret that I missed out on those first few months X

[Midge25]

VV - wanted to add message of support; I was diagnosed with PND about a month ago, having felt a lot of the same things as you. (Particularly worrying about quality of care I was giving dd, and wanting to go and hide somewhere where noone bothered me and I had no responsibilities) I would echo what others have said about seeing GP again, and discussing possibility of PND/thyroid issues/anaemia, but also wanted to encourage you to change GP if you aren't happy. A good doc is invaluable in this situation, regardless of the outcome of the problem. Thinking of you and hope you feel better soon x

[Midge25]

Capricorn - hugs too and what bossybritches has said better than I could. Please consider changing GP's...could make a big difference... xx

[Molliesmum]

Ur so right, an understanding GP is really important! Especially when your HV isn't very good!