Help DD(10 yo) hates herfelf.......

[DottieLottie]

DD who is 10 is usually a lovely child, will fly off the handle tho, today she went upstairs to get her eczema creams on with her Dad. She was bouncing on the bed he asked her not to she had tantrum and promptly emptied all her drawers and wardrobe on the floor. Took a pen and wrote 'idiot' on her forehead. when I was calming her down she just kept saying she wanted to die and that she hates herself. Have had the hates herself for a while, was being bullied at school for a long period is now at a different school. Just don;t know how to build up her confidence, she goes to Stagecoach but doesn't seem to be helping a great deal although she does like it.
Wondering if I should arrange some counselling or something????
Any ideas

[GrapefruitMoon]

Do you know what things about herself she hates? Is it how she looks or something in her personality or a perceived lack of ability at something?

[DottieLottie]

It is just non specific hate. She is intellegent, pretty etc. Does def hate her skin (eczema) but it is her behaviour she hates.
She says she doesn't know how to stop tho. Also thinks everyone hates her. Have done the no they don't etc but this bullying she suffered really affected her confidence. Is naturally shy and was overwhelmed by 'bolshy' girl who moved to school.

[GrapefruitMoon]

Is her exzema very bad? ie is it something she might be getting teased about? Has she settled into her new school and made friends?

She does sound very unhappy... has the new school been good at making sure she is included, etc? Maybe talk to her teacher in the first instance to see how school is going. If she has made any tentative friendships, try to encourage these by inviting the friend over after school or at weekends. If she feels she has an ally it might make her more confident overall...

I think being 10 can be tough - girls can start to get cliquey and bitchy at that age and friendships groups can change about.

[AMAZINWOMAN]

her hormones may have started flying around her body too, making her feel awful.

Are there any clubs she can go to outside school? She may find something she is really good at, which will help boost her confidence.

[DottieLottie]

Thanx Grapefruit, Amazin, her eczema isn't too much on display - normally just arms and legs. She is starting to settle at new school, still sees her local friends which is good. Has commented that a lot of the girls at new school are moody - bless.

She does Stagecoach on a Sat and tennis on a Thur, we have been waiting for next half term to start some clubs at the school.

Just not sure how I can convince her that she is a nice person and that she didnt deserve what happened to her at last school.

Have been spending extra time with her etc

[piggypoohsmum]

11yr old DD with very similar probs.
she has dyslexia, dyscalculia, CAPD & ADD, and whilst i try to keep my patience with her, have found the hormones in us both raging at mo so have been picking on her a bit about stupid things like remembering stuff especially little jobs i've asked her to do to help.

This too results in her saying she's stupid, thick, dumb which then goes on to the no friends & hates herself.

She too was bullied and because of that and the education issues, i pulled her out of a large primary (60 kids in 1 school year) and put her in a class of 20 kids in school yrs 4-6. whilst education soared, friendship did not because of there only being 2 other girls in her year!!! 1 bitchy other a follower of bitchy 1. Others are 'too young' quote.

We keep a night time diary where, if she cant speak to me face to face about something, then she writes in it and i reply for the morning. Sometimes it is discussed further sometimes left, depending on circs.

the fact that your DD talks to you about it shows that you have a close relationship keep listening and just keep praising the good stuff she does.

DD hates being different. Is your DD picked on because of the exzema? try looking on the internet for famous people who have it. she might be surprised as several actresses have it.

Also have just purchased a meditation CD from Amazon called 'self esteem affirmations' by louise L Hay. which DD plays as she goes to sleep. There has been a bit of a difference. Its supposed to help with building confidence and recognizin self worth.

you could try counselling but my DD didnt find it very useful and in fact thought the counselor was stupid for wrongly interpreting what DD said. But it does work for others just make sure you have a good councellor (mine was recommended by the school service!!!!!)

good luck

[DottieLottie]

Thanx Piggy, sorry you have similar probs but must be much worse for you with her additional stuff. We were at the local school -- total pop. 39!!! So can very much sympathise with your daughter's lack of peers. We have moved up to a school with a massive 89!!! Heaven knows how she will cope with the move to Senior School next year 1500 or something like that.

The Diary sounds like a good idea and will def look up the CD. Did read that avocado is supposed to be good for the hormone battle and of course the skin -- getting her to eat them will be another matter.

I don't think she is picked on because of her eczema - hasn't said that she is. Problem was with one particular girl who moved to the area a couple of years ago (also lives 2 doors away!) She has caused problems for pretty much all of the girls in Key Stage 2 at the school. But having her live so close DD couldn't get away from her - doesn't help that parents think the sun shines out of her!

The finding a decent counsellor is what has put me off TBH.

How long has your dd been at new school?

[piggypoohsmum]

she's been there for 2 years now but is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO looking forward to going to senior school . Has 'outgrown the children' including the bitchy ones.

i worry that being so sensitive, having learning probs and (very biased) is pretty that this will make her a typical bullying candidate again, although she stuck up for herself while we were swimming the other day against some boys her age .

Unfortunately (dont know if your daughter is) she is physically developing as well as emotionally changing and doesnt like it and is very concious of herself. they can be so critical of themselves. last year we had the weight issue (nothing of her!!!) so i explained that when her bum and belly wobbled like mummy's she would have something to worry about.

also we have unfortunately had so much &^%$ chucked at us the past 3 years its a wonder that she is as stable as she is.

always keep the door of communication open with your DD in any way as it will help you to keep on top of anything that comes up.

Discussed Self harm and drugs the other day but she has seen the damage for herself that this can do and understands that although some people find it a 'quick fix' it is not a long term solution and only she suffers in the end.

as for parents of 'sunshines' they make me v

good luck and just try to accept that like us, they have become 'hormonely challenged'