being bullied by mil

[needahug]

sorry if I havent put this in the right thread.
I take dosuleipin for deppression and valium for anxiety attacks,usually at nightime.i have felt crappy for the last 2 years as our relationship got worse.
i didnt sleep last nite as i was so wound up and had to take an extra valium just to calm my frayed nerves.

me and dh have just got back together after a couple of months break from each other and this weekend mil has made my life hell because he has come back.she spent all of yesterday running down my housework skills ,fiddling with my belongings and bossing everyone around except dh.

i am at my wits end with the woman evryone is terrified of her my dh refuses to tell her how her behaviour is affecting me ,my fil says its pointless as she does as she pleases and he has tried to talk to her.i feel so betrayed by my dh he is so attached to her apron strings it is puke inducing.
my teenage ds refuses to be in the same house as her at the same time because she has this habit of slapping people on the arms when she feels like it.
my dh sympathises with my dilemma but wont do anything to help me resolve it i feel like he is being a bully by just letting it happen to me and have told him to sleep on the settee tonite as i dont even want to talk about it.
while we were seperated i felt so much better as i never saw her once in 2 months and my dds went to her house,i think i have made a huge mistake letting this man back into my life and giving it another go which i partly did because he kept telling me how miserable he was,my self esteem was increasing and i was finally sorting out mine and dcs life.
i just want to cry today as i have made a terrible mistake by letting him move back and dont know what to do.
has any one got any ideas i feel in the pits of hell again and it took so much couage to get out of it 2 months ago

[WingsofaAngel]

Maybe you need to tell him how you began to feel better when he was away.

How about telling him he either tells his mother to back off or you will.

Has anything in your relationship changed or is it just slipping back to how it was.

[needahug]

hi woaa thank you for your message
i have mentioned to her about this b4 and she dimisses me as overeacting and just ignores me then me and dh have huge rows if i dare to say anything to her.
she behaves like his wife to him and i am the other woman ,she tried to stop us getting married 6 years ago by stirring up endless trouble.

we have been back together 48 hours and everything has just snapped back to how it was b4 he left he is not prepared to challenge her if i do he will hit the roof as he will say i am causing trouble for no reason
he knows i was feeling better without him but he wont let me go i feel suffocated.
my ds keeps telling me we should move as we are letting a mummys boy ruin our life(dh is his stepdad) and my son hates him.

[tiredlady]

Oh no, poor you. This situation sounds dreadful. Firstly, do you think there is more that could be done for your depression. Your confidence and self esteem sound as if they have taken a battering , but there is a lot of help out there. The mental health charity MIND often run womens groups, self esteem classes and assertiveness training. You could ask if you could be referred for CBT - this is a problem solving therapy which tackles peoples negative thoughts, beliefs and assumptions.
Secondly, have you and dh thought about Relate? He has to know how terribly unsupported you feel by him. Give him an ultimatum? Lay down some boundaries with your mil? The fact that you left him once before shows you have the ability to do it again if that's what you wish.
Is there someone else you could confide in?
Could you tell your mil that you find her comments unhelpful? ( this is difficult I know ; I have just posted about my dreadful fil)
Whatever you do, you shouldn't put up with this kind of behaviour in your home. I hope you are able to find the help you need

[WingsofaAngel]

Were there other reasons why you separated in the first place or is it all to do with your MIL. Who did your H stay with?

You could try relate you don't need to go with him if he would be unwilling.

[needahug]

there were loads of reasons we split up.
we were arguing about money as he was self employed and very rarely worked,we had to use credit cards to pay all the bills got in to debt and he has a very bad relationship with my ds as he would row with him all the time .
my son basically just ignores him,my parents hate him because we got to the stage we didnt even have money to buy food for 2 weeks.i kicked him out as i was sick to death of him refusing to take any responsibility for anything.i was the one who had to sort out all the debts ,juggle everything about beg creditors to reduce our payments,we were going to be made homelss,beg off my relatives to lend me money to buy food for the kids it was a horrible situation.
i was barely able to function having 3 panic attacks everyday and still have to look after the children as he is too lazy to do anything in the house .
We have been waiting for relate for 12 weeks as the waiting list is so long in bristol .
we cant afford to have private counselling.

the rest of his relatives say his mum has reinfoced its ok not to work and say they are embarrassed by him and we have had endless rows about his laziness.
i have actually been better off on income support untill i can find a job to support me and the kids always food in the fridge and just enough to cover the bills.

OH GOD i am writing all this and can see i have made such a huge mistake letting him move back in.i feel as miserable today as i did b4 he originally left.
And while he was not living here he lived with his mother ............

[WingsofaAngel]

Well I think that says it all when you kicked him out he ran back to his mothers apron strings.

I would personally make him stay away until the relate appointment came through.

He seems blind to what he has put you through.

So what are you going to do next ?

[posieflump]

is he the father of your children?
why did you let him come back?
he sounds awful tbh Does he have any redeeming features? do you love him?

[needahug]

thank you for listening to me today i just didnt know which way to turn .

i am going to tell him tonite to go home as it is only going to get worse and i dont want to spend my life like this ,he will hate me for it ,he is always saying he has wanted to be here all the time we were apart but its not worth it if it just sends me spiralling in to a deppression again.
i hate hurting peoples feelings it makes me feel so awfull and hate seeing him upset.

i was crying earlier and my son said to me why do you let him ruin your life mum we were all doing ok,my dds are calmer and better behaved we had been doing so much together and my panic attacks had started to reduce too.

i was so low a while ago i thought about killing myself to get away from him but the thought of the mess i would leave behind made me think twice and his bitch mother would take my dds

my gp syas i am on the maximum amount of antideppressants i can take take and others havent worked,she beleived if i was still deppressed when i was with h then it was my situation causing the deppression and attacks as all was improving

will take deep breath later and do it.........

[needahug]

tell him to go that is

[WingsofaAngel]

If you meant anything to him he would respect you and your well being.

This should not be a one way relationship were you do all the giving.

If your health is better with out him around then you are doing the right thing.

You need to get yourself strong,for your children they need you.

If he has any feeling for you and your relationship together then he will understand.

Let us know how you get on.

Good luck.

[needahug]

just an update

had a massive row with h last nite about all above issues I really went to town and let 8 years of anger out h was gobmacked.
he finally sees that we cant live together and living with mil is only making our relationship worse,he has 2 weeks and then a mate has flat vacant so he is going to take it.
my h and fil finally confronted mil for first time in 8 years about her behaviour and she has decided she will never set foot in my house or speak to me again,she has never been challenged in her life about anything like this so its food for thought.she can mull it over.

sure i will feel weird when he moves out in fortnight but want him to try and spend lots of quality time with girls til then.

although i really ache inside and the atmosphere is not brilliant we both know its right.
my dad is going to pick me and the girls up on last day of term to go to wales for a break and h will move out while we are away.
thank you for leaving kind messages on here for me am sure will have to go thru a grieving process and be back on here for some tlc and thank god for mumsnet

[WingsofaAngel]

How very brave of you.

Hopefully in time you will move yourself forward.

I bet MIL got the shock of her life being confronted.

Stay strong and keep posting.