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Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

Mental health

My husband is soo depressed how can I help him ??

17 replies

mummyloveslucy · 26/04/2008 22:17

Hi, my husband is severely depressed. He just wants to sleep all the time and says that all the happieness has gone out of him. He sometimes snaps and swares in front of our 3 year old daughter which I can't stand. When I tell him how un acceptable this is, he gets really emotional and says he's a rubbish Dad and would be better of dead. He isn't a rubbish Dad at all though. He worships her and wants to spend all his time with her.
He can't see the doctor about it as he would probubly loose his job as he works with highly stressful challinging behaviour. He used to love his job but recently feels worthless even though all his colleagues seem to love him. He bottles it up and snaps at us at home. I don't know how to help him to overcome this.
I have even conciddered taking up a corse in councelling so that I can help him. If anyone has any advice, please let me know.

OP posts:

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allgonebellyup · 26/04/2008 22:18

oh god, are you sure he will deff lose his job just for visiting the doc?
maybe some ADs would work for a while, they have helped me, and your dh sounds like he is in a really bad way. it must be so hard for you as well.

eenybeeny · 26/04/2008 22:21

I am really sorry to hear this. I doubt he would lose his job if he went to the doctor, depression being treated medically is so common these days. I dont know what to say. Could he phone an anonymous helpline and get advice from them?

Beauregard · 26/04/2008 22:23

Can i just say that ime i cant understand why you think he would lose his job for seeking medical advice?
I have had depression for many years and i also have worked/working with adults with severe challenging behaviours and my depression has never been an issue in the workplace.Does his workplace have an occu health department?
I am sorry for you all

Beauregard · 26/04/2008 22:24

Is his workplace NHS or private?

mummyloveslucy · 26/04/2008 22:29

Yes it is really hard at the moment. I feel like I'm walking on egg shells at the moment. He would definatly loose his job if he was diagnosed as he works with vulnrable people who are very challenging.
He has gone nearly deaf in one ear and has a constant ringing in that ear. He will have to ware a hearing aid and the tinitus can't be cured. This is driving him mad at the moment, especially as he caused it himself by whacking himself around the head in one of his rages. This isnt the only reason he's depressed though, as he's been like it on and off for years but it's got a lot worse.

OP posts:

BigBadMouse · 26/04/2008 22:30

this is a link about CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) which contains links (nearer the bottom) to free online CBT courses for sufferers of depression, fear, anxiety.

tbh, he really needs to see a doctor and get help as he would probably score very high on the burns scale of depression (that link is a pdf file btw). People with a high score often find it hard to motivate themselves to do their own therapy. The links might help you do some therapy with him at home but I doubt this would be enough to help him overcome the problem.

Do you know what has caused the change in him?

IMO any job where you get the sack for having depression is not worth having - esp if the depression is having such a severe effect on your life. Are you entirely sure he would get fired? Sounds highly illegal to me - maybe he would be given leave but I don't think they could fire him for having what is a genuine, debilitating and life-threatening illness.

mummyloveslucy · 26/04/2008 22:36

He workes for local authority. He says he dosn't want to take AD's.
I've even concidered going to the docs and saying I'm depressed and getting the prozac and popping it in his tea. I think I'm becoming quite desperate! He used to be such a happy chap but now hes starting to get me down too. It wont be long untill I really do need that prozac.

OP posts:

Beauregard · 26/04/2008 22:41

In my opinion there is no way that his employer can sack him for seeking medical help for an illness.I can understand your dh not wanting anti d's but he should seek therapy of some sort if he is so low,maybe CBT or councelling(he can be referred by GP and prob occu health also)The GP may be able to give him something for the anxiety that isnt anti d's.

mummyloveslucy · 26/04/2008 22:41

Thanks BigBadMouse. I think he would be embarassed to see his Dr as he is very abrupt although he is a fantastic doctor.

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Beauregard · 26/04/2008 22:43

By the way i have recognised traits in myself that you have decribed of your dh behaviour so i do understand how he feels.

BigBadMouse · 26/04/2008 22:46

Yep, get him to do the burns check list link thing. See how badly depressed he is.

Many people put off going to see the doctor as they are too embarrassed for many things and then it is too late. He could lose a hell of a lot in the meantime, you, his job (if he starts to have problems at work - no doubt he will, it affects every part of your life in some way), his DDs trust, his life....

honestly, not being over-dramatic here, it really happens.

I bet you are close to needing the prozac yourself, its hard to live with - esp when you see it having an effect on your DD.

GrinningSoul · 26/04/2008 22:50

I wonder if you could involve someone else - a friend, a colleague - who he might be more able to listen to? You may be too close - when i was depressed and anxious i had all my family telling me that i needed help and that i could be better, but i didn't take it on board. It was only when a colleague (not even a close one, just an inquisitive one!) asked me about my (slightly odd) reaction to some news and eventually said - you sound like you should see a gp, that's not a normal way to feel - that i actually took it seriously. Sounds horrible for you, it's really really hard to realise how one's depression affects your partner so he probably can't realise how you are feeling. Good luck.

mummyloveslucy · 26/04/2008 22:56

I've done that test for him based on what he's told me and it comes up as severe. It seems he's affected by all aspects of depression.

OP posts:

BigBadMouse · 26/04/2008 23:06

From what you described in your OP he sounded severe.

If he doesn't want ADs he doesn't have to take them. My score is usually around 42 on that version of the test - has been for many years. ADs helped a lot but I only started taking them a short while ago - before that I had CBT which was very beneficial too.

Would he do the test himself? He needs to realise he needs help - for his DDs sake if not his own or yours.

TeeBee · 28/04/2008 18:16

He really does need to see an understanding doctor. My husband has suffered from chronic depression for a few years - it can and it will get better. My husband really fought going to the doctor too. However, when he did the doctor was brilliant and very manner of fact with him, and talked about teh importance of finding methods to boost his endorphins. Regular exercise a must, cutting down on alcohol essential (at least for my husband), finding things to laugh about, more sex (although to be honest coudn't bare spending time with my DH when he was like this let alone having more sex). Doctor sent him to a counsellor who was absolutley bloody useless unfortunatley. When DH visited another doctor, he put DH on ADs. ADs were terrible and turned him into a zombie overnight. When DH told doctor, he was not happy about it and said he really should not be on them. Guess my message is that ADs are not always the answer. It is a long and painful process coming through depression but he will get better, but he needs to believe he can.

My husband developed a 5-point plan (on one of his better days) to work himself out of his depression - things like making himself switch off from work, ensuring that we go out on a 'date' once a month, etc. Doing this put him back in control of managing his health. It is working for the moment and things SO much better.

If he really is resistant to seeing a doctor, could you visit the GP and discuss the problem?

Am thinking of you. It is so hard, I know. Hang on in there, things will get better.

TeeBee · 28/04/2008 19:37

Saying that, I have just finished work to find him having a very rough time and feeling down again. But he can now recognise when his symptoms are coming on, we call this a Red Alert day, and I do everything I can to take any pressure off him and make him feel special. But we have taken a long time and a LOT of effort to get to this point.

It takes a LOT to help someone who has depression but I'm sure you have it in you. but you have to take care of yourself too. They do say that taking walks together can help (difficult when you have a LO though). Just being together, taking exercise, not even talking if necessary, just being together.

Good luck to you, my thoughts are with you. Please let me know how you are getting on.

TeeBee · 30/04/2008 20:53

How is your husband today Mummyloveslucy? And how are you?

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