Am affected by the past??

[warmsummersday]

This is probably going to be long but I really feel I just need to write this all down.

My mum and dad split up when I was young, don't remember much about it. Mum started drinking alot and met a new man (now my stepdad) but they used to go down the pub, get drunk, leave me and younger brother on our own, come home and fight and argue and I hated that. When Mum gets drunk now I can't deal with it and hate to be around her when she's had a drink and she used to tell me she has things to tell me.

Things got abit better and I moved out when I was 19 with my OH and she went onto have 2 more girls.

I went to america with OH for 2 years and then fell pregnant with DD1 so we decided to come home. He has nearly always worked away in the week and he is a workaholic, doesn't like to spend money and doesn't support me very much. We now have DD2 and he still works away, I was diagosed with PND last year, took the tablets and came off them couple of months ago which I was really proud of. While I had PND I had hardly any support off OH. He doesn't understand how I feel and how had I find it when he is away all week and I have to deal with the kids all the time. We speak once a week during the week and our communication is quite bad, eg I never know what time he land on fridays. I can't talk to him very well as he is always right and he makes me out to be the one in the wrong and he ends up shouting at me. I am now 26, he is 8 years older than me and we have been together 10 years this year. He is very much nto his family but more in a way of providing for the family and earning the money.

Sometimes all i ask for is a cuddle on the sofa, some compliments, a nice meal even if it is at home, I just want to be made to feel special.

Thanks for reading, don't really know wat you can say but sometimes I just wind myself up so much about him being away and not having the support I really want.

[ruthmollymummy]

Hi warmsummersday I don't really have any good advice to offer just to say that I am having a hard time with PND and my DH is at home with me every day, mum down the road and all that so I can't even begin to comprehend how you are managing.
Although you don't think so you are doing a marvelous job and I know what its like to get stuck in a dynamic of he's right and he's the boss and you're the one who causes problems and isn't happy.
There is nothing wrong with the things you want. The worst thing to do is go over and over it in your head before you say anything to your OH. Try writing him a letter (one you will bin bin right after you've written it) it really helps you to put your thoughts out there and see how it sounds when its out loud and not just in your head.
I'm sure although he doesn't understand that he isn't inhuman and if you tell him nicely, calmly and honestly that you would like some special time and how great it would make you feel that he will happily oblige.
Good luck! x

[ruthmollymummy]

oh yeah, don't read too much in the past, there's usually no need to look into the past for the problems you're having now cos believe me you'll find them if you want to look for them!!

[warmsummersday]

Hi. Thanks for that.

I know about reading into the past and I try not to think back and I also know I can make problems out of things that arn't problems.

Why do I feel so insecure, have no confidence or self esteem or self worth? Why do I always think OH is having an affair or is up to no good which makes me check up on him? Why oh why do I feel like this most of the time?

[ruthmollymummy]

For me it was all about accepting that the way I feel is part of my PND. ie. Its not cos I'm a bad person or even really believe these things, its a symptom.
Its really great that you have come off your medicine - well done!! I think what you need to do is find a friend, like us lovely people on MN, to talk about depression and lonely days and down days with the kids. Its rough that OH doesnt really get these things, but find someone who does to vent and have that part of your life fulfilled. I really think that would lessen the strain on your communication with OH.

[smithfield]

wsd- I feel the answer 'does' lie in your past, most definately. You mother/parents, emotionally neglected you, so it is not by accident you have found a man that does the same. So they went down the pub, he's at the office, either way the subtext is the same.
The fact you are now questioning the past, is a good thing. It means you are aware the way you were treated as a child was wrong, and only with that realisation you can move forward and address what that means for you now as an adult.