Am I being selfish to want something more in my life other than this.(long one)

[pol27]

In Jan 2002 my mum died. Alittle bit before I had been questioning where my life was going and what was the 'point'.

I met OH in Sept 03 and fell preg quickly. Had DD in Sept 04. I worked as a nanny in Cambs but had my own house in Derbs which I went to every weekend. OH lived and worked in Essex and was just finishing uni (he was a returner to ed.). So I worked up until the end of preg (as he was not earning) and struggled along to pay mortgage/bills/for baby stuff etc...

Made the decision to sell up and move down to Essex with him as he showed no signs of finding a job nr my home and his family were all down there, while I only had a sister so felt that DD would have the chance of Grandparents and extended fam etc.. Sold up and moved in July. Had around £8,000 when I had paid off mortgage outstanding/6mth rent on place we went too (as couldn't afford to buy) car loan etc... OH strted as trainee teacher and was on a min. wage. But he gave me no housekeeping (and was supposed to put aside mthly rent into savings) so the £8,000 went on elec/gas/food/petrol/clothes for DD etc...

Had DS in sept 06 (was planned) and moved into house in Feb 07. I was not put on the mortgage or deeds by him (!) even though I asked to be and thought he would. He said because I wasn't working it affected his credit score for the mortgage (so why couldn't I be put on the deeds??) anyhow.

I have been looking for a job since we moved with no luck. Perfect job came up and got interview but at last min. MIL and FIL who have always offered to have kids (they have all other gradnkids) said they wouldn;t anymore. She didn't feel she could commit to all of them!

So now i'm here. I have no money as OH either gives me none OR just enough for our food for the month. I have to pay the elec bills too. I had to get all christmas presents and kids birthday presents with my money (I put it on c/c) and OH didn't pay anything. I have told him lots of times how bad money is and he just shrugs it off!

I'm fed up. I maybe think this should be in the depressed bit. I'm so so fed up of everything.

DS was really ill at Christmas with croup and stopped breathing in hosp. He is 16 mths and into everything. He and DD squabble all the time and OH moans that the ironing etc. hasn't been done.

He comes in from work and doesn;t even talk to me, shouts at DD for playing up and does nothing with kids/hypes them up so they're in tears just before bed.

I said to him on Monday night I felt like I wanted to walk out, leave the kids and him and everything because I just didn;t care anymore and that for once I wanted to think of me rather than rushing round making sure everyone else was happy.
I said that most days I speak to no one except DD and DS (dd is 3 and ds 16mths) and he doesn't speak to me and I feel so lonely.

The area we live in is really rough and I don't really want my kids swearing/spitting etc.. I don't want friends like that either and TBH I can't be bothered.

I feel really selfish and mean being like this/. I know i'm failing my kids because they haven't got the mum they deserve. OH said I was a good mum and they need me, which they do but I just feel like at the mo, I don't want them or him esp. He neve rwill change.

He said once I get a job and some money I will be ok. But all I see then is more work for me to do. All the house, the kids, him, work and me! I just have absolutely no one to talk to and I am so alone. I can't see any point anymore.

Am I being a selfish stupid miserable cow??

[ancientmiddleagedmum]

You're not being selfish, you sound like you have it pretty tough. The bit where the DC are 3 and 16 months is probably the hardest work I have ever done (and previously to motherhood I worked for an investment bank in the city, so the job I had before was not exactly easy). When they are 3 and 16months, they need maximum looking after and minimum sense of danger, and I remember that a lot of it feels like being a valet/servant/cook/cleaner and general dogsbody. Of course we are not supposed to say it, but a lot of early motherhood is quite boring and monotonous.It sounds like your relationship is not helping either, but then it's always this time when the kids are small which puts the relationship with DH/DP under max stress. Could you go and stay with your sister for a bit and see how you feel? I think not putting you on the deeds to the house is mean, and he sounds like he is a PITA when he gets home. After all, you've done a day's work too. Maybe the chat you had with him will have made him think a a bit? Have you thought of going to the GP to see if you are mildly depressed? Or talk to him (very reasonably, if you can) and say that unless things change (eg money, commitment, help round house, conversation in evening, a break for you at weekend) you don't think the relationship will survive (and you could move back "home"). I don't know if this is good advice or not, but I know that when I have a proper chat with DH, he does think about it and then at least try to change some things. I have two kids, 6 and 4, but my DS who is 4 is autistic so it is hard and I know how you feel. Make some time for you, park them in front of the telly, have a nice bath, look after yourself. For me, it's a ciggy and drink at 8ish when they are both in bed which keeps me sane, and which I look forward to all day!Motherhood and your own mum dying so close together would have anyone a bit stressed. Big hug to you - talk all you want on here!

[Anna8888]

Sounds really tough .

I think your OH is being pretty unfair. You moved to be near him, he doesn't earn much, you look after two very young children all day, he doesn't share the money he earns with you and he still expects you to do his ironing (and probably all the rest of the housework?) That's unreasonable - your workload is much greater than his and your rewards less.

You need to redistribute power/workload in this relationship. Please, please go to your GP and ask for an NHS counsellor who will be able to help you talk through this.

[TotalChaos]

I agree with Anna. I do think though that either you move away or you start to be not so suspicious of those around you - isolating yourself will make matters worse and make you feel even more of a drudge/

[pol27]

He has done well with his work and now earns quiet alot but our mortgage is fairly big £950 per month and he has a loan etc.. to pay off. He gives me £250 p mth for food/bills/nappies/clothes for kids etc... I don't know if thats enough, we live pretty meekly food wise but it still doesn't cover it.

I have spoke to him about it before but its as if its in one ear and out the other.

[ancientmiddleagedmum]

I think men are fairly black and white creatures, so perhaps if you spell it out really clearly. "If things don't change, our relationship is not going to survive and we don't want our kids to grow up in a broken home. What can we both do about it now, before it is too late." Last chance saloon for him, and no, I couldn't do all that on £250 per month for 4 people (nappies alone are so expensive!!!). Can you not sign on, or get any other benefits, or have I got that wrong?

[Anna8888]

£250 for housekeeping for a family of four with two tiny children is not much money. I know some people do it with less... but if you want to eat decent food, that really isn't much money.

And you definitely shouldn't be doing all the housework if you are getting no money for yourself.

[MrsSeanSlater]

He is being the selfish one. He keeps you short of money, doesn't do a thing around the house then moans? He should be doing his share. The very least he could do is provide for his family, moneywise. Try leaving him on his own with the children for a day or two ( if you haven't already) so he can see what it's like from your point of view.

[MrsSeanSlater]

£250 for food and bills? That's a ridiculously low amount. DP gives me £400 for food/household items alone and sometimes I struggle on that and it doesn't include bills.

[TotalChaos]

250 is very low indeed to include bills. 250 for clothes, nappies and food but without bills is certainly doable, but not generous.

[leoleo]

Your name could have gone on mortgage is will not affect any credit rating.
I think to make yourself feel better try to get to a toddler group or something to make some friends locally. You prob wont feel like it but I promise getting out and seeing some days other mums are struggling just as much as you will help and then to chat to a adult about anything will make you feel loads better. And hopefully you'll gain some friends as time goes on. Being a mum can be lonely.
I think you need to decide what you want to do. I also think if you were on your own with the kids then you would lose some of your worries - you would have your own money (benefits while you sort yourself out but still that money would be yours), no one to complain that kids are being moisy or playing up or whatever. No one to notice that the washing up needs doing or the ironing pile has a life of it's own..
If you want to work at your relationship then you need to have a conversation stating what you expect and that you want it to work but unless you can both come to an agreement and you start to feel happier then you'll be going. (He will also have to pay the electric himself and maintaince so in his best interest money wise if he is that tight)
Where about's in Essex are you?

[leoleo]

Sorry about your mum. I lost mine too in 2004 - sometimes you just want them because they would be in your corner

[madamez]

I think you need to have a chat with women's Aid and the CAB. I'm not surprised you are miserable, you are basically being held captive as an unpaid skivvy and treated with contempt by a man who has isolated you from all support. Give him one warning if you think he has any good points ('Things must change within a month or I am leaving you'). If that doesn;t work, plot your escape.

[alfiesbabe]

Sounds like a real communication gap here. You need to force your OH to sit down and go through the financial side of things. £250 is a ridiculously low amount for all your food. Is the problem that there just isnt enough money coming in? If so, then I agree with the earlier post about redistributing the balance. You need to look for work. You mentioned that the 'perfect job' came up, and you got an interview but didnt take it further because MIL and FIL couldnt look after your kids. So look for proper, reliable childcare. It'll cost, but you may get tax credits which will help - so I would suggest researching nurseries/CMs etc in your area. Don't let the fact that your MIL can't have the kids stand in your way - this is your life, your kids so do it your way. Most of us don't have family on hand anyway, so you just get on with it.
Sounds like a job will automatically make you feel better in terms of getting out, meeting people and feeling better about yourself. You are then in a position to really tackle your OH about the balance at home. He will just HAVE to take his share of housework etc - you will have much more balanced lives rather than him feeling that he has to shoulder all the financial burden and therefore you should do all the home stuff.
The hardest part is going to be getting him to sit down and listen to how you're feeling - but I think you need to bite the bullet and go for it. Your children are still young - you have time to sort this out and get your lives on track before they pick up too much on the stress and unhappiness around them.

[pol27]

I did look for child care, I have issues with leaving them with peeps I don't know but thats a whole other story! I had to re-new my quals too and so would mean not actually earning for the first year and so childcare was unaffordable.

I have told him how things are and he has offered to give me £350 per mth. I know it will just cover bills (ie. food/nappies are around £70 per week with washing powder/toiletries etc in) and then elec £47 per month. I won't have any spare but at least I won't be getting into debt just to live!

And I am not expecting for family to care for our kids! The decision was a long and hard one and MIL and FIL said they would! They pulled out at the I would not of asked. My view is they are our kiddos, we should care for them. We have only been out 3 times together since DD was born (over 3 yrs ago) and never ask anyone to look after them unless it's an emergency (happened twice)

[alfiesbabe]

pol27 - you need to get out - preferably with dh so you can have a real heart to heart without the kids. When you say you wouldnt be earning for the first year - do you literally mean you'd be working for no pay? Because if so, I'm sure you'd qualify for some kind of tax credits/childcare help? I appreciate your worries about leaving your kids if you havent done it before, but honestly, they will be fine and will benefit from building other relationships. You say you wouldnt know the people you're leaving them with to start with - well, no, but you'd get to know them pretty quick and so will your kids. I had to go back to work when dd1 was 3 months (couldnt afford not to) and had to find a CM - didn't know her at all til I had dd but quickly got to know her and she was great.

[pol27]

Well, I would of been re-doing my qualifications in my first year, so no I wouldn;t be earning.
DH earns too much for us to qualify for tax credits (well only £10 per week and we owe them) so I would get nothing from them.
As for leaving them, firstly I have looked into it. It is too expensive (on average from £3.00-£4.50 per hour for 40 hours for 2 kids is too expensive for me to afford) Secondly I just wouldn't be able/willingly to leave them with anyone. It took me a long hard decsion to decide to leave them with MIL & FIL. That was hard enough. I know first hand the affect of being left with people who we think we know. I know I just wouldn't take that chance with my kiddos. It's, in my eyes too big a risk. And I know that its my insecurities that make me feel like this. But I would not forgive myself if anything happened to them.

Have a second interview for a job tomoz so fingers crossed. We'd need no childcare but DH would have to have kids!