why do I feel so bad?

[Mumsosad]

Help! I'm on anti D's - been on a (long)while, why do I sometimes feel so low? Feeling c* today, believe it's partly due to the time of year- a significant bereavement 4 years ago. How do you know if you have "grieved?"

[gothicmama]

you don;t it is a process we go through do you feel have grieved or do you feel pressured that you should be over it all now - the most important thing is to give your self as much time as you need

[Mumsosad]

I thought I had grieved but I'm now in counselling and everytimer I talk about the person now I cry which is something I thought had stopped years ago! I am beginning to think I haven't aloud myself to grieve atall for fear that I won't be able to pick myself back up. Feeling confused.

[gothicmama]

that may be part of teh counselling process in that you have now been given permission to grieve and someone is there to support you - conselling can be very emotional and brings up issues that we thought had past why do you feel confused

[Mumsosad]

So much on my tiny mind! feel like I'm on a carousel that I just can't get off! I cope fine most of the time by just getting on with it with support from family & friends but days like today just hit me like a bolt & make me feel like my head is going to explode!

[Mumsosad]

oh well, thanks for listening!

[gothicmama]

sorry had to pop out for a mo - cat me if you like think youjust need to eb kind to yourself particular now, maybe do something to mark teh day light a candel or something and think lovely thoughts about your lost one and how they would like you to feel better hugs

[gothicmama]

get me at gothicmamasom at hotmail dot com

[gothicmama]

I am off now but will chack back later I hope you are feeling better

[mumsosad]

THANK YOU, I'VE BEEN UNABLE TO BE AT THE COMPUTER myself due to demands of 3 small dd's - sure you know what it's like! But many thanks for the messages. I do appreciate it. You're right, I do need to be kind to myself. The anniversary is a week away & I'm dreading it more this year than any preceding.

[pipkin]

Mumsosad, I can understand what you're saying. I also lost someone very close almost 4 years ago and didn't have any bereavement counselling at the time (although I was offered it). I also still get very sad thinking about this person and know I will find the anniversary difficult. There just aren't any time limits on grief and everyone deals with it differently. You shouldn't feel any pressure to 'move on', I hope the anniversary won't be too difficult. I sometimes wonder if I should've had the bereavment counselling before, but was afraid of getting more upset than I already felt. I do feel a lot better these days and can remember a lot of the happy times spent with this person and not the illness etc. I'm sure you're feeling particularly down at the moment because of the time of year.

[mumsosad]

thank you Pipkin, I accepted counselling shortly after it happened but it was way too soon & I gave up after a few sessions. It was the last of rather too many bereavements including miscarriages, relatives and pets and by far the worst. I feel I put up a massive protective shell to avoid further hurt. It is only now that I'm beginning to break that down as I'm so emotionally numb for those who care about me which causes other problems of course! Can't help wondering what state I would be in if I wasn't on a high dose of tabs. All rather scary.

[Goldfish]

Mumsosad, sorry you are feeling so down, and sorry you have had a bad time of it. You must feel so tired on top of everything else with 3 small dds. Just wanted to let you know I will be thinking of you and hope you get through the anniversary alright. I know someone with the same problem as you and this time of the year is always bad for them. Just wanted to send you some support, although I know i haven't been a lot of help. Hugs anyway xxx

[mumsosad]

Thank you so much Goldfish, It's really comforting to think there are people out there who care & support.

[mumsosad]

I am indeed completely knackered! Feeling less blue so far today though.

[kkgirl]

Mumsosad

Sorry to hear you are feeling bad.

I don't have depression, and am usually a positive and reasonably cheerful person, but I always find November and February the worst time of year.
Lots of colds, coughs and general tiredness/exhaustion, preparations for Christmas, and bad weather don't help.

As for grieving, my dh lost his mum nearly 5 years ago and his dad nearly two years ago, and whilst he hasn't openly grieved, he has been depressed, and a different person since those events. These things can take a long time and it can hit people in different ways.

Do you feel it is the right time for the counselling now, and talking about the person, does it help, and does crying relief some of the stress?
Its a difficult situation for you.
Take care.

[mumsosad]

thanks for your message kkgirl. I find it very difficult to talk about her. I would love to be able to talk about all the happy times and feel I've moved on but I can't and I don't. She was my best friend and her death was a tragedy. I can see no good in it. She was only in her early thirties and left a big young family behind. It's funny because I'm sure she'd say it's time to pick myself up & get on with things, that I'm making a mountain out of a molehill so that just makes me feel guilty and somewhat inadequate that I find it so hard. (I know rationally these are dumb thoughts!)

[kkgirl]

Mumsosad

I'm really sorry, it must be very hard for you. Being so young and leaving behind a young family is tragic, and I agree that it is very difficult to see why, and hard not to feel bitter.

Try not to be so hard on youself, it is a lot to deal with, and obviously you have your own life as well to deal with at the same time. It is a lot, and I think you need to deal with it slowly, and accept that it will take a long time.

What is it that you feel you can't move on with, is it accepting her death, or things in your life?

Take care, is it helping to discuss it on Mumsnet at all?

[PuffTheMagicDragon]

mumsosad, lots of ((((hugs)))) and sympathy. The anniversary of my Mum's death 4 years ago is this month and I am finding life particularly tough going at the moment. I really thought over the last spring and summer that I had managed to finally do some moving on, but as soon as I hit November 1st I've gone on a real downer - just the smell in the air takes me back to that awful awful time. My sister is feeling the same, and we are trying to help each other through. This proves to me that grief is by no means linear or finite ( as someone on this site reminded me).

As others have said, be kind to yourself. Maybe now is a good time for that bereavement counselling.

A very good piece of advice I was given by someone was to expect setbacks and don't feel a failure for having them. So, I'm trying to be philosophical about this one. We are not machines.

[mumsosad]

THANKS KK & PUFF. KK the difficulty is very much with accepting her death and the injustice of it all for her husband, children, parents, siblings and friends all who have been left with a gaping hole. I just feel so sad about it all.

Thanks for sharing your experience Puff I identify totally with what your're saying about dates and associations. I think that is why I find this bereavement so hard there were so many ismilarities between my friend and I that I have daily constant reminders of what her children have lost just by being there for mine if that makes sense as well as ther usual birthdays etc. I get low at the beginning of September which is the anniversary of my Dad's death - now 11 years so I guess it's going to be a long time b4 the pain receeds. Anyway my dd's are screaming so must go tend - 2 of them are poorly with nasty tummy bugs which never helps one feel gr8, huh?!