What is wrong with me?

[deeeja]

Hello, I don't know if anyone is awak now or not.
I have never posted on here before, but have been reading all the posts for years. I have always wanted to post on here, but have always been worried incase I get 'found out' by someone I know.
Basically I have been having a terrible month. I thought I would feel better by now, but I don't, I just feel shitty every day.
I have three children under 5, and an older child from my first disastrous marriage.
I have a two year old who has special needs, I don't know what exactly, still waiting for assessment. I think he is very delayed. He is extremely difficult, and has tantrums every two minutes, and is getting extremely violent during them. I have a 10 month old, and a four year old. I am exhausted all the time.
I have no family around me, I have acquaintances but no real friends. I have never really had any great friends. I think maybe I am just too annoying, or boring, or not cool enough to have friends.
My mother doesn't talk to me,my brothers don't either. Because I refuse to talk to my father, he abused me as a child, and everyone else just acts as though it didn't happen, but I can't do this. I am not mad, they want to believe I am so that they can live in their own little world of make-believe and pretend. Or maybe they are glad it didn't happen to them, and maybe if I disappeared they could just get on with their (fantasy)lives. But it really hurts me that they can just push me aside and not care about me or what I went through. As if I am nothing, just an inconvenience. I am 40 years old now, I left home at 18, and the nightmares won't go away. I look at my darling children, and I don't understand how anyone would want to hurt me at that age, how can anyone hurt a poor little angel like that?
Now they are sorting out their last 'will and testament', and my sister has joined their madness and is pretending along with them, and has stopped taking my calls. I hate that it still hurts me, and I hate that I let them get to me, when I know I shouldn't let them. I feel like screaming at my mother, I am your child, and yuo have done nothing to protect me! I would kill anyone who hurt my babies, but you let him hurt me and protect the others. I can't get over how rubbish I must be to you, that you let me get hurt.
Sorry for rambling, I jsut feel solow, and when I feel like this, I look at everything in my life and it all ets me down, except my babies. I just wish I was a better mummy to them. I have an 18 year-old who remembers that I used to have a head-ache all the time when he was small. That makes me feel so that he remembers me this way.I look at my children and I want them to have a happy childhood, and I don't want them to remember mummy always having a headache, or being too tired.
I wish I could get over this!

[kitsandbits]

Sorry to hear you are feeling this way

Have you sought councelling over what happened to you as a child?

I dont have any experience of this but im sure someone who has will post and give you some real advice.

((((hugs))))

[Niecie]

So sorry to hear that you are feeling like this. You are obviously having a really bad time.

I don't directly have any experience of this but I would suggest that you see your GP as you seem really down and possibly depressed and the GP may be able to give you something to get you through this. As Kitsandbits says maybe counselling would help.

Do you currently have a partner or DH? Can they give you any help?

[deeeja]

I haven't really seen my GP about this, she ahs known me a long time and would be hshocked, I have thought about changing surgeries, but it is pretty difficult to get on a doctor's list around here, so ........I don't know why I am always putting up barriers like that! I can think of a thousand reasons not to go down the therapy route, I can't stnad to re-live it all again and again! I know I do in my own head, but having to explain it to a complete stranger all the time is just too much for me. Even talking about it face to face is difficult. That is why I thougt I would try here, I like the anonymity(sp?)
I have tried speaking to my dh about it, but it is difficult, he doesn't really know what to say to me, and can't really handle alotof emotion, poor guy! Right now I am being a pita to him. Ikeep nagging about everything, becuase when I am feeling low, everything seems like a big deal and everything he does seems wrong I told him I was leaving him today, and then shoved him , and I can't remember why!
I am ruining my own life, and I can't seem to stop!
I don't want to lose what I have. I don't know what is wrong with me. Sometimes it is as if I have no control over my actions, I feel like a piece of crap, maybe I am like him! He beat my mother up, and she used to hit him back. Oh, yes, nice family I grew up in!
I don't want to ruin my childrens' lives! Today I thought they would all be better of withuot me.My dh is a lovely man, and deserves tofind a lovely woman, instead he got stuck with me. My poor babies! I don't want to ruin their lives!

[kokeshi]

I'm sorry you're going through this. I don't have any personal experience of the kind of abuse you've gone through but I do know that all our emotional baggage definitely catches up with us if we don't deal with it somehow.

I think it would be a great idea to get some real life face to face support, starting with your GP. Mumsnet is a fantastic resource and I'm sure there are others who've gone through similar experiences, who will be able to give you some good advice in the meantime.

Please do seek some help, you shouldn't be going through this alone. You deserve to be happy. Take care of yourself. x

[Niecie]

Oh Deeeja, I am sure you are not ruining your babies lives - I bet they love you to bits. You have so much to deal with at the moment that it isn't surprising that you are so unhappy.

I know you don't want to see your GP but is there another doctor in the practice that you can see instead, if you feel uncomfortable with the other one? If not, don't worry about your GP being shocked - it is her job to listen and to help you, not to judge you or to ask why you haven't mentioned it before. I really do think you need to see somebody soon. There is no shame in it and you will feel so much better in the end. I can understand that it is really hard though.

Is there something that has made you feel particularly bad this month?

Would it help to write a letter to your mother to help make sense of your feelings? You don't have to send it. Maybe let your DH see it if you think it might make him understand. Or maybe write him a letter too. It can be so hard to talk without getting emotional that sometimes a letter can help. Don't use it as a barrier to avoid talking to him but as a way of opening up a dialogue.

Can your DH take the children for a while to give you a rest while you go and do something fun for yourself?

I am so sorry I am no expert at this and that I can't help properly. You sound so sad.

[chocchipcookie]

Dear Deeeja

You have to get help for your sake and your childrens. Reading your posts it's not an option to carry on like this, struggling on your own. You say that you think they would be better off without you. No, they wouldn't, it would devastate them. The fact you think that way is a sign of your deep unhappiness.

Begin by accepting that what you think is not necessarily true. A feeling is not a fact, as they say. You need someone to help you sort through the nightmarish events of your life. Therapy is NOT reliving it. It is dealing with the feelings in a safe place, a place where you will be supported. Right now the feelings of the past - sounds like a lot of anger and shame - are coming up anyway and causing a great deal of pain and destruction in your life.

I have been there and I've come out the other side with help. I truly believe that with what you are describing you cannot go it alone. You need specialized help urgently. You've made a first step posting. The next step is to see your GP. You are not alone, tens of thousands of women have gone through similar things all thinking they were alone in their feelings. There are people there to help you. But you have to ask for the help.

[Niecie]

Hello Deeeja,

How are you today? We are worried about you. We would love to know you if are OK.
Take care x

[mummacool29]

Hi Deeja I empathise with what you are going through from my own experience being very similar. I was abused as a child by my foster father. It took many years before I stopped all contact with him but remain close to my foster mum. She however still remains living with him and leading a "normal" life together which hurts me deeply as I feel like my feelings and what he did to me mean nothing. If you want to talk I am here if you need it.

I know its very very difficult to talk about these things but what I've learnt is that once you've taken the first step of talking about it it will slowly start to get easier.

Remember you have done nothing wrong and what happened to you was not right and the abuse and the way you are being treated by your family is not right. Concentrate on your children and making them have a happy and secure home, in this way you are deleting the past by giving your children something you never had. I will be there to hold your hand along the way if you need it.