Think partner has left, 28 wks pregnant with second, feel so alone

[Frothycoffeegirl]

I feel so alone and overwraught. Just had yet another almighty row with my partner. Am 28 wks pregnant with second and yet again I completely lost it with him, in front of my daughter which I am v. ashamed of. He has an important exam in 2 weeks and is stressed. But I seem to also be going through emotional, depressed hell, can't get a full night's sleep because of my hurting hips and finding being a SAHM very draining on top. I can't seem to take charge of my feelings - we'd argued over something earlier then I left him to revise all afternoon. I worked hard to make dinner, but when I said it was ready he just told my daughter to tell me he wasn't hungry - I found he'd been eating chocolates all afternoon whilst revising. I thought he'd done it on purpose over our earlier row and it sent me wild. I'd worked so hard to be with my DD nearly all day so he could revise and then he couldn't even be bothered to apologise for not coming to eat with us. After shouting at him he realised and said he would at least sit with us but it by then I was wild with anger, unable to control myself. I said something I sometimes say when I'm v. angry, which is that he should go. I then find, yet again, that he is packing his bags and going. I then went into hormonal overdrive, begging him not to leave me alone at this time and that I'm incredibly sorry. Only this time, instead of talking it through (or rather, firstly shouting, then talking) he said he had to think of his exams that he's been revising so hard for and leave for a few days. Ultimately, after disrespecting myself completely and begging him to stay, I became calm but even when talking we couldn't agree and he said he was going for one night to his sister's. I'm not sure I believe him but I think so - the thing is I keep thinking this is the beginning of the end of us and I am so overwraught that I will be alone when I am feeling at my most vulnerable. I have already put this baby through so much by crying and screaming - I'm even wondering if it will be ok... in rows my partner has said some truly disgusting things to me (like calling me a silly b*h and telling my pregnant belly that her mother is a silly cow) but after he is totally ashamed and says sorry. I am so beside myself with crying and hurt and vulnerability and can't believe he's gone, even for one night, when I'm feeling so vulnerable. I've already told the doctor about all my crying over my relationship and they have recommended me to an in-house counsellor, only I haven't been yet because I feel so ashamed that I can't get through this on my own. I plan to finally arrange an appointment tomorrow, as I feel I'm too ashamed this has all happened to talk to friends and I'm not sure I want to tell my mum yet again about the terrible row I've had, because she's suggested all the things that she can. Please let there be someone there to tell me it's all going to be alright.

[Lazylou]

I think you are doing the right thing in seeking some kind of help. Depression is a terrible illness and needs treating, just like any other.

I can't tell you it will all be ok, but I can be here to offer a bit of moral support and a shoulder to cry on.

Sorry you're going through this

[foxinsocks]

oh dear, I'm pretty crap on advice but you both sound tired and stressed tbh

don't feel ashamed about not coping - but do try and make that appointment and talk to someone about the way you are feeling.

you sound like you're feeling a bit hemmed in atm and underappreciated - can you get someone to have dd for a bit so you can get a break?

[colditz]

GO TO SEE THE COUNCELLOR

I had the most horrific, uncontrollable and frightenening temper while I was pregnant with ds2. Add putting up with inconsideration for the effort you are having to put into everyday tasks like making dinner, and then stick so snide comments on top - I'm not surprised you blew your top.

The best thing for both of you will be for him to go for a day or too. Don't feel vulnerable, I am sure if it was a genuine emergency he would come back.

The only think that helped my temper, and depression, was councelling with antidepressants. But this may not be true for you. The councelling will help you a lot, I am sure.

[newlifenewname]

I can understand this. It was a bit like this with my first marriage.

I think if you can show some self control (mean this very kindly, not having a dig AT ALL) then he may be tempted to come back and see how it goes.

However, his behaviour sounds equally bad.

You must both be under huge amounts of pressure so I find it hard to see where (if any) blame might lie so perhaps you should just focus on being kind to yourselves and one another.

Like I say, be the kind of woman he is glad to be coming back to but also set some groundrules for yourself regarding how you expect to be treated. The only excuse I can come up with for him talking to you in this way is that maybe that is the only level on which you and he have now found yourselves able to communicate.

Best wishes.

[Frothycoffeegirl]

Thank you Lazylou for your kind words. The thing is I'm not sure I am going through depression, maybe I'm just under the weather?? But I feel as though if I go to a counsellor I am starting a ball rolling that might end up with people saying I am unfit or something and taking my DD away. I know this is totally silly, but my fears take over, which is why it is taking so much just to talk to someone.
Foxinsocks, you're completely correct about feeling hemmed in and underappreciated. DD goes to playgroup 4 morns a week so I'll try to relax more when she's not here. Also, I might try a friend to see if they'll have DD for an afternoon next week. It's just my hormones go into overdrive and I feel like I must make the house ready before the baby comes, so I use a lot of time just doing domestic stuff, clearing up after decorators etc.

[colditz]

Nobody will take your daughter away. They have to go through a MASSIVE amount of red tape before they can even come to your house to talk to you!

[maximummummy]

i was sometimes very angry when pregnant the first time (so much so i finished with ex-p when i was 5 months preg)

i told my (new) dp when i found out i was preg for second time that as long as he agreed with everything i said we'd be fine & fortunately he did as he was told

i think you need to give him a bit of space i'm sure when exams are over he will be more tolerant of your hormonal(?)temper

[Frothycoffeegirl]

Colditz, thank god there is someone else who has had a temper when pregnant, and it is SUCH an effort now to do silly things like make dinner, blah blah, with no sleep and yucky hips. My partner has done quite a lot lately to help, like making dinner and doing the dishwasher as I find bending difficult due to the hip problem. But it's the silly little things, as you say, like comments, that make me feel so worthless.

Well, I couldn't stand the mental torture of thinking he might have actually left me - this 'being pregnant and feeling trapped and alone' stuff was doing my head in... so I rang him. He sounded calm because he'd had a chat to his sister, and assured me that he hasn't left me, he still very much loves me but felt it was better for all of us if one of us got out of the situation before it got any worse tonight. Newlife, you are totally right that we are both under tons of pressure. And I see what you, Colditz, and he are saying - I now know that he would be here in a heartbeat if I really needed him. As long as I know that he hasn't left me and still loves me then I can cope with him being away. I was just crying down the phone... this hormonal stuff is doing my head in, I'm sure normally I wouldn't be doing that???! ... anyway, he said if I really wanted he would come back right now but it's probably good for both of us to have a bit of space. He was lovely actually, so thanks to all of you (and he!) I'm feeling a bit brighter about it all. Perhaps I can get a good nights sleep, and call the doctor tomorrow. Thank you so much!

[DaisysGotABigBump]

Frothycoffeegirl...reading your post has been like reliving my whole pg...I'm 37 weeks now and finally plucked up the courage to see the doctor today (well that and DH standing oveer me whilst I made the appointment and then frogmarching me there). I had pnd after the birth of my DS 5 years ago and have never really got myself back on track. Several major life events and 2 MCs and a very hormonal pg have only added to the mix.

Anyway...it seems I've been suffering from ante-natal depression and have now been given some ADs and been referred to the mother and baby unit of the psychiatric department at the local hospital. I feel like it's been a weight off my mind and only wish that I'd had the courage to do something about it sooner, as I've been feeling like this practically since day 1. I hope you have the strength to seek out some help, and to talk to your DP, as his support is invaluable. You can get though this and be a lovely happy family unit...
Good Luck xx

[Frothycoffeegirl]

Daisy, thank you for the post, it's so reassuring that I'm not the only one! My DP came back last night and promised never to leave whilst I'm pregnant again. And after so much reassurance from these posts, I was able to talk through the fact that, although I haven't seen anyone yet, I believe I'm going through some depressed hormonal thing. Needless to say, he also has his own issues about dealing with stress and anger management, but he was able to be sympathetic and was also almost relieved that I was able to talk like this with him, especially when neither of us was angry.

The only thing is I really only feel and act in this way with DP... is it usual to only feel this angry and fly into rages towards one person?

The other thing is I don't want DP to feel that because I'm going to see a counsellor that he is off the hook with his past bad behaviour. He has said some absolutely awful things to me, many times when I have not been angry at all, and I feel this has driven me further into this hole. Do you think I should suggest he gets his own help too?

[DaisysGotABigBump]

As well as you seeing someone about the possibility of AND...could you do couples counselling together? I don't think it's unusual to save all your rage for your DP...he's the closest person to you, so will understandably be the focus of your rage when you're feeling like this (I know from my own experience that DH gets used as an emotional punchbag )
Does he understand that he also has issues which need to be resolved? It's taken my DH and I a good few years to get where we are now, but thankfully we both understand that this is only the start of the journey and that we need to work hard together to resolve things. My baby is due in a few weeks and we plan on some couples counselling when things are more settled. He works away throught the week, which makes things doubly difficult, but spending some quality "us" time is also a priority (even if it is an old cliche) as for ages now its all been about getting the house and garden sorted for the baby and concentrating on our 5 yr old DS.

I hope things work out for you.xx

[fairbanksjunior]

I also had violent rages when pg and also for a while afterwards. I got very worried about what i could have done to dd and still worry now that i could have damaged her - although she's the absolute picture of health! when i was in a rage i was just overcome with anger and hysteria, dh and i said dreadful things to eachother - on one occasion when i was screaming and raging round the house when about 5 months pg, he siad "carry on like this and you'll kill your baby" - i hated him for saying it but can now see that he was just desperate for me to calm down. i've been alot better since taking a very low dose of AD's - i still get overwhemled and angry sometime(doesn't everyone?!) but overall feel much more in control. I hope this work out for you. X