Help with feeling irritated and easy to rage

[Cabawill]

I really need to get back to being me and would love any advice on first steps and success stories.

I've had a tough few years by any standards with unresolved issues of grief from my fathers suicide, acceptance of infertility and adoption of two great but draining DC. I had to give up my job to care for them as they need consistency and routine (although no disabilities they do have difficulties) I am very overweight and my marriage has suffered considerably since our children were placed 2 years ago.

I have gone from happily married, successful career that I loved, sociable friendship circle, good family relationships to now being moody, irritable, craving time alone but hating if when I am alone, avoiding friends, getting annoyed with family who no doubt feel like they can do no right and recently struggling to hold in the absolute rage I feel inside. It's almost like I'm The Hulk and I want to scream and clench my fists to get it out.

Every night when I look in on them before I go to bed, I vow to be better tomorrow. That I'll not be screaming in my head for them to shut up or get frustrated when they take ages to do their teeth. That I won't spend from 10am- 2pm watching Netflix in a daze when I should be doing "stuff". That I'll text my friends back and laugh about something rather than complaining. But then tomorrow comes and I just do the same old things.

I can't face going to the Doctors. I know I should but I can't even bring myself to call and make an appt, let alone tell them my problems.

I want to be a brilliant mum and wife and friend and daughter but I'm failing miserably all round. How and where do I start to make a change?

[Itisnoteasybeingdifferent]

This may sound odd, but from my experience... learn to love yourself.. expecially for your moods, over reactions and and all the stupid things you do when you are really not thinking clearly.

It really is not easy being different, but it is who I am and I suspect we are a pair. (And no that is not a chat up line).. It took me a long time to accept my little "features"... but once I did, life began to become a bit easier. A bit like someone who is 6'2" has to come to terms with the fact they can never be a jocky, I have come to terms with myself.

Does that make sense?