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How can I help my brother?

(15 Posts)
Phteven Sat 01-Oct-16 09:34:34

I don't really know where to start with this, my brother needs help and I don't know how to help him.

My mums side of the family kind of has a history of being pretty shy and quiet, we all feel a bit uncomfortable in new situations but I know this is pretty normal and we all kind of just get on with it.

Except for my borther. His shyness is crippling. He is 27, he still lives at home, has no friends and doesn't go out except to do a bit of shopping and walk the dog.

He has a job, which he doesn't really enjoy but is doing a course in something that really interests him.

A few months ago, my mum called and said he likes a girl at work, she told me this in confidence because he didn't want anyone to know. Well for a while, this seemed like a good thing, he seemed happy. But she's not interested. I don't really know too much about what has gone on in between but my mum has just called and she is in bits, worried he's going to do something.

She said he's getting quite obsessed with this girl from work and he seems so depressed, he feels like his life has no purpose. He's now saying he wants to move out, I really don't think this is a good time for that but how can she stop him?

My mum has tried suggesting he seek help but he is refusing. He had counselling as a teenager and it didn't really do much good, maybe he feels it's a waste of time.

My dad is useless and the only advice he has is to snap out of it so my mum feels alone in this.

How can we help him if he won't help himself? We are so so worried but don't know where to go for help..

Milklollies Sat 01-Oct-16 09:37:51

He's got anxiety. It can help just with the medication. My doctor prescribes citalopram- it has changed my life.

Phteven Sat 01-Oct-16 10:24:09

Thank you Milklollies, but the problem is trying to get him to the Drs. I have no doubt that there is help out there for him, I just don't know how to get him to accept the help,

Phteven Sat 01-Oct-16 10:26:52

He just feels like this is him and he has no way of changing that.

He doesn't talk to anyone but my mum and even that is just snippets I think. I don't think he has ever spoken freely about how he feels.

AnxiousCarer Sun 02-Oct-16 10:47:24

It does sound like proffesional help is needed, but it is very hard if he is not willing/able to help himself. The process of changing things is active and will require his participation and no one can treat him without his consent unless he is considered a risk to himself or others.

I do understand how hard this is as my husband had to get to this point before I could access any help for him and even then it was hard to get.

Have you tried self help books? There is a very good one called Dare to Connect by Susan Jeffers and also Feel the Fear and do it Anyway by the same author I think.

Comejointhemurder Sun 02-Oct-16 10:57:56

There's nothing you can do apart from encourage him to seek help.

RabbitsNap01 Sun 02-Oct-16 21:49:12

It sounds as though you are worried that he is at risk. How do you report an adult you believe may be a risk to themselves? We've got a similar situation in our family and there has to be some way to trigger an investigation into whether the person is at risk?

AnxiousCarer Sun 02-Oct-16 22:38:36

If it's an emergency and there is risk of imminent harm call 999, the police can detain someone under the mental health act for emergency psychiatric assessment if they feel that there is the need for it.

If it is urgent but not an emergency you can call their GP or 111 for out of hours. If they feel it necessary they can ask the police to be present to insist they assess the situation.

It has to be really bad for either of these scenarios.

Otherwise you can speak to the persons GP and make them aware of your concerns but unless the person is an inmediate risk to themselves they can only assess with that persons consent.

You can also take the person to a&e for emergency psychiatric assessment if they agree to this.

There will be a mental health crisis team in your area who may also be able to help in an urgent situation but again will probably require the persons consent and can only help if they will engage with them.

I found it very difficult to get help for my DH no one would help until it reached crisis point and then the 111route was really helpful. Wish Id tried the GP route earlier.

Comejointhemurder Mon 03-Oct-16 06:38:05

Police powers to detain under section 136 only apply in a public place. They can't detain someone in their home.

RabbitsNap01 Mon 03-Oct-16 07:09:11

it seems crazy to me that these are the only options. Thanks - the GP has said they won't discuss another adult with anyone but that adult, we'll try 111.

user1474261395 Mon 03-Oct-16 07:37:37

Acupuncture therapy for stress and anxiety can help to minimize physical signs or symptoms, for example- chest tightness, fast pulse beat as well as deep breathing, etc. It can also minimize the mental signs and symptoms and instill a sense of peace.

Phteven Mon 03-Oct-16 15:07:38

Thank you so much for the replies, we were out on Saturday night and he came along. He was quiet but no quieter than usual and he seemed ok.

It's so hard to know what to do. He has the full support of my mum and I know she will continue to encourage him to get help.

I'm hoping the change of career might help.

I'll suggest the books to my mum, she could buy them and leave them around for him to look at when he's ready, I've heard good things about 'feel the fear' it was recommended to me by a counsellor.

He's such a lovely man, would do anything for anyone, I just wish I could get him to see himself how we see him.

MagicChanges Mon 03-Oct-16 15:12:37

Hi OP - so sorry for you all - 111 will tell you to contact the GP. They aren't medically qualified - they just have a computer programme that guides them on what questions to ask and what advice to give.

I don't mean this to sound unkind but your brother as you describe him does seem to be something of a "misfit" and that makes daily life very difficult for him. This obsession with the girl seems to have brought about a crisis. He may well have tipped over into depression after the rejection of the girl, as loss of some kind (not necessarily a bereavement) is almost always the root cause of depression.

I wonder if the wanting to move out is a reality - does he have anywhere to live - doesn't sound like it nor that he would manage on his own. The other thing that makes me wonder about depression is that we often feel we want to "run away from the pain" not realising the pain goes with us. I'm talking about emotional pain obviously. BUT it's just not possible to get any help if your brother is unwilling to see a GP. I think all you can do is support your mom, and of course your brother if you are close to him.

AnxiousCarer Mon 03-Oct-16 19:35:10

The GP can't discuss your brother with you, but they should be able to listen to your concerns, as that wouldn't breach his cofidentiality.

111 sent an out of hours Dr with police escort when my DH was acutely unwell with psychosis, he had completely lost touch with reality and it was urgent. If its not urgent then yes they probably would advise you to go to the GP.

AnxiousCarer Mon 03-Oct-16 19:41:21

Also the police have taken my DH to hospital directly from home on more than one occasion when he as been suicidal, but I suppose this could have been 'voluntry' if they 'pusuaded' him to go with them. I would still call them if I thought there was an imminent danger of harm to himself or someone else.

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