Depression, Personality Disorder or something else?

[Realhousewifeofengland]

I've name changed for this thread as its a sensitive issue.

Im due to go and see my GP to ask for antidepressants. Im not entirely sure they are going to help me but I need to try something for my children's sake. I'm finding myself irritable and angry the majority of the time. I fly off the handle at my pre schooler a lot and I'm really not proud of it. I get very frustrated when he wont do what I ask immediately. My husband said I'm like a Sargent major and I can't disagree with him. I can't relax enough to let him be a child.

I'm quite a volatile person and always have been. My mother was the same so maybe it's genetic or a learned behaviour. I don't know but I do know that I have a lot of bad childhood memories of my mums outbursts and I'm starting down the same path myself. My son is at the age where he remembers and talks about things that have happened and its heart breaking. Yesterday I screamed at him for lying on the floor and getting covered in crumbs, then I threw his chocolate down the garden path and made him cry. I'm so disgusted and ashamed. A few minutes after doing it I was sorry but at the time it's like I became possessed.

By way of background I have a one year old and a pre schooler, I'm a sahm and my husband doesn't get home until the kids are in bed. I don't live near family and lost a parent a few months ago. My marriage almost split up last year and although things are better it's still not what I'd call happy. So I suppose all of these factors could mean I'm suffering from some sort of depression? I know that I'm lonely and bored and find my life monotonous.
But if I'm honest I have always been prone to angry outbursts so I can't really totally blame my current circumstances. So maybe I have some sort of personality disorder? Or am I just a horrible person?

[AnxiousCarer]

It sounds like you have been through a lot recently I'm not surprised you are finding it hard. It sounds like you are taking a positive step by starting the anti depressants. Another thing thay might be helpful would be councelling to help you address the issues both from your childhood and more recently. I don't think you are a horrible person or you wouldn't be seeking to change things for your kids.

[Realhousewifeofengland]

Thanks.

I've had counselling in the past with no real benefit. Maybe I need to try a different type.

[TheEmperorsHat]

I think you sound depressed. Try the anti depressants but maybe ask for some CBT for depression too. Are you experiencing anxiety? Could that by why you're struggling to tolerate some situations?

[whatishistory]

From what you have said, it sounds like maybe a combination of learned behaviour and situational depression (god it's hard and Linley been alone at home all day with kids). I think that some sort of therapy, including anger management, might be the key to helping you change. And maybe just a bit of time-until your DC are a bit more independent and you have time to do some things for yourself again. I really don't think you're a bad person-you wouldn't be on here trying to find help if you were.

[whatishistory]

Lonely! Not Linley (whatever that is!)

[80schild]

I think you need to give yourself a break here. I was in a similar situation when my youngest was little (a parent dying and two very small children). I also have memories of an angry father and worried that I was going to damage my children from my anger.

You might find that with time and anti-depressants (if that is what you need) and having someone to talk to, that your anger will sort itself out. You are not a bad parent - you are just trying to deal with a lot. Your children won't be damaged. You are dealing with it and that is the most important thing.

[Realhousewifeofengland]

I am more anxious yes. We recently went on holiday and I was very worried about the flights and whilst there I found myself plotting escape routes in case of terrorist attacks. Which I knew was silly even while doing it.

I've always been quite angry and volatile though? I just seem to be very easily stressed out. We were 5 minutes late to a kids party and I was so irritated by my DH because I felt he was walking too slowly and making us later. We arrived and lots of other people got there later than us.

[gonetoseeamanaboutadog]

I think you should look for the 'up-side' to having a short fuse. Are you quick-witted, good at strategising, capable, organised, sensitive, the kind of person who would hugely benefit from a half-hour run etc? Look at the whole of you rather than this 'shadow side' that's causing problems. Then think about how you can nurture the good bits and even use them to make necessary alterations in your life. This anger may be telling you something needs to change.

I also think you should go the GP and see a therapist for specific anger management. Can you pay a teenage neighbour to give you a couple of hours of alone time? I'd stake my life that you're an introvert who isn't getting solitude or companionship.

IMO, a lot of the time, personality disorders are a label that gets stuck on to explain why the drugs aren't proving particularly beneficial. They are often not accurate and will saddle you with a label without (in all probability) helping you one iota.

Don't overlook the possibility that there could be hormonal/dietary problems here also.

[Realhousewifeofengland]

I have considered a hormonal issue. I'm definitely worse before my period. I forgot to take my pill twice this week and got my period unexpectedly early - about an hour after I exploded at my child and threw his chocolate.

[TheEmperorsHat]

Have you experienced something traumatic? Sometimes a response to trauma is feeling irritable and on edge, looking for escape routes, easily angered, anxious about small things, it's called 'hyper vigilance' and is part of post traumatic stress disorder. Depression often goes along with it.

[gonetoseeamanaboutadog]

You need to keep a diary and plan for those days that are likely to be extra-hard. Perhaps they will be easier if you can think (as I do) 'Don't go off on one today because all bets are off today...leave it until tomorrow...' and pay a teenager to come and play.

[JinkxMonsoon]

I find that depression robbed me of my ability to cope with daily life, and having a short fuse was one of the symptoms. You sound lonely and isolated and that would make anyone depressed.

You're not a bad person. I don't think you have a personality disorder. Do speak to your GP

[Realhousewifeofengland]

Thanks everyone.

I don't know any teenagers unfortunately. Neighbours are all retired or have younger school aged children. I do think it would be easier if I had my mum around to help out. But sadly that's not my reality.

[gonetoseeamanaboutadog]

Gumtree and facebook community sites are your friend. A notice in Tesco or on a local church noticeboard.

[ethelb]

My mother was like this and I think it is due to serious underlying anxiety which leads to depression.
Control freaks are always anxious deep down but are making others responsible for their stress levels.

It may be worth treating your anxiety first then the depression may resolve as a result of that.

[Realhousewifeofengland]

That's interesting because my mother was the same. I think she was depressed throughout my childhood, which she mainly spent sleeping on the sofa, but she denies it.

I am a control freak and hate disorder. I can't relax with mess around me. Sometimes when my children are playing I feel tense because of all of the clearing up I'm going to have to do at the end of it. I feel under pressure to have a perfect house. It's pressure I put on myself though as my husband couldn't care less. My mum is the same. Many times during my childhood she would shout and go mad at me because there would be lots of stuff underneath my bed.