pregnant and feeling grim

[charlieq]

I just want to vent about this grim depression I am stuck in.

I'm 7 months pg, trying and failing to complete a PhD. I feel like my head is full of fog. The really awful thing is that my DH actually pays for a nanny (my grant has run out) so that I can supposedly finish this damnable thing, and I can't work. I just spend all day feeling sh*te, trying and failing to concentrate.

I feel I'm both neglecting my DS (3.5) and unborn baby and failing to do anything to secure my own future after this.

I also have those awful depressive body-feelings, exacerbated by the discomfort of huge bump. I feel despair as soon as I wake up in the morning and dragging tiredness most of the day despite doing f-all. Tonight I am hungry but can't even raise the energy to cook anything (recently Dh has done all cooking out of pity for me. He is really supportive but works v.long hours and is out tonight.) I look at myself in the mirror and see a rapidly aging, pointless person.

I wonder about going on Sertraline (which I've been prescribed) but couldn't bear to put my poor baby through a withdrawal syndrome after he is born. If anyone has experience of that, I'd like to hear from them.

[ThisTime]

Just wanted to bump this to the top for you x

[charlieq]

Thanks ThisTime.
In a horrible weepy selfpitying mood tonight and am really wondering if I should just knock back a sertraline now...

[mummytosteven]

Oh honey you do sound depressed, if you won't take the Sertraline they should have sorted you some counselling rather than leave you untreated. Anyway - I took Prozac from 28 weeks PG, and DS had no problems with withdrawal. I was actually recommended to breastfeed by the psychiatrist as that would help if there were any withdrawal.

[mummytosteven]

Well since you have been prescribed (I am assuming very recently, and with knowledge of the PG), I see no reason why you shouldn't start them if you feel you want to.

[mummytosteven]

oh and re:the tiredness - have you had your iron levels checked, low iron can knacker you.

[charlieq]

mummytosteven that's reassuring that your ds didn't suffer from withdrawal. I feel guilty enough about what I'm not doing for this baby already without feeling that I'd have to watch him go through some awful twitchy couple of days.

YOu are absolutely right that I should be getting counselling, I have had about 4 referrals and somehow every time nothing happens. I have tried private counsellors but not found anyone who was right. I am in Southwark, anyone else have this experience there? My midwife has referred me again last week. But I don't think I get a big sympathy vote from medical professionals because I am so middle class and don't come across as depressed in conversation.

[divastrop]

i'm sure if you spelt out how you feel as you did in your op the gp etc would realise you're depressed?

i was on prozac from week 20 in my last preg-dd2 didnt suffer any problems after the birth because of it.i have been on it in this preg since week 12(im now 34 weeks).my gp thought that the actual depression would be worse for the unborn baby than any medication.

have you read any of the threads on ante-natal depression?

[Thinkstoomuch]

I'm sorry to hear you are feeling so low. Is it possible to aim to get out of the house once a day and get some fresh air(if DS is cooperative)? Just for a 45 min or so walk. If you just manage that you can feel you've achieved something for the day and it'll be good for you, for DS and for bump too. You might find it clears your head too.
You're obviously someone who sets high standards for themself. But this is a time to be taking things easy and being kind to yourself, so please don't feel guilty.

[charlieq]

thanks for your messages. I do try to get out once a day. DS is usually out with the nanny and I have this thing that I can't leave the house until I've 'achieved' something with the PHD (like a decent paragraph....) even though I know I should just go for a walk. A morning spent 'blocked' sends me right round the bend and I end up in tears usually or slumped comatose over the keyboard!!

YOu're right about the too high standards thinkstoomuch (your name strikes a chord with me as well!!). I've always been a perfectionist who gets depressed if things are not progressing the way I want and it's driving me mad that I might not be able to complete this PhD before my baby's born and will then have it hanging over me when I'm coping with a newborn. I also recently had to turn down a job interview I was offered, because of the pregnancy, it was a one year fixed term and they needed an immediate start, so I feel I'm having to let things go already and will get stuck without a job going mad in the house with the kids (I wasn't a good SAHM with DS, that's why I started the PhD lol).

[Thinkstoomuch]

You are being way hard on yourself. I'm not particularly qualified to dole out advice, but the perfectionist/depression thing rings a bell with me. And it sounds to me like you should let go of a lot of this stuff that's getting you down. Easier said than done, you might say. But honestly, you've a whole life ahead to get jobs and do academic work, but now you've got the rather big deal of growing and birthing a baby to do. That's enough in itself - it really, really is.

First, can the PhD wait?

Second, I don't want to patronise you, but one method you could try is to banish negative thoughts and instead welcome positive ones. (I'm aware I'm sounding like a complete hippy, but I think it's valid.) So, what that practically means is that when you complete that paragraph, or get lunch ready, or whatever, you say to yourself 'well I've done a great job there' and give yourself some credit.

High standards are all very well, but what's the point if they make you miserable?

[Thinkstoomuch]

Charlieq - how are you feeling now? Hope you are having a better week.

[charlieq]

Hi Thinkstoomuch,
sorry didn't post a reply, have been off MN for a bit.

I wish I could say I ws feeling better but ...feel suicidal and then guilty because of my 2 babies of whom one is still inside me, god knows what he must be picking up from me....

I know I need medication but can't bear to risk doing more harm to this baby, but I have been prescribed Sertraline which I think I will take the day that he is born.

I'm not a 'good' mother (lack patience, have no energy etc) but nor do I feel I'm going to achieve anything out of the domestic sphere. (the nightmare scenario is that I'm turning into my own mother! omg....)

I know I need to stop this driving self-criticism thing but it has been my life since my childhood- due to the way I was brought up, I had little else to feel good about other than being clever and getting top marks. I have swung between high achievement and 'dropping out'/nervous breakdowns ever since. ATM I feel it all just ought to end in suicide, but it's as if I have to 'save' that solution for when my babies are older and just go through the motions of a life until then- because I know it's not fair on them (but when will it be, surely not when they are teenagers...god knows)

Would be interested to know if other depressed MNers have felt like this- like a sort of animated corpse going through the motions for their kids...

[bearsmom]

Charlieq, just wanted to quickly say that I hope you're okay today. This has probably been said before but don't get sucked into the whole "good" mother thing. We all get tired and grumpy, and you've got a lot on your plate - ds, bump and PhD!!! Much more than a lot of people have to handle. Please stop beating yourself up and be kind to yourself. Life changes, you'll have a future outside motherhood as well as a future as a lovely mum.

I went through a phase of feeling like a complete zombie with ds as he was a very challenging baby and hardly slept more than 2 hours at a stretch until he was 22 months. It was awful. I felt like my life was over and couldn't work out how the heck it'd happened. Being a mum was meant to be so great (oh, I remember these visions I had when I was pregnant of what day-to-day motherhood would be like. I pictured myself pottering round the garden picking flowers while my angelic baby gurgled in his pram. No chance! Garden ended up overgrown and I felt like a prisoner in my own home for months on end). It got better for me and I'm really hoping it will for you too. Better go, ds is yelling, as always.

[charlieq]

hi bearsmom!
yes today is a bit better. Don't know why. I feel only half-dead rather than living dead if you know what I mean.

As you know from the other thread we're on, I'm caught up in a lot of really old emotional stuff and I've always insisted on perfectionism because that was always expected of me. So it's like my life gets dominated with it and I start to go mad.

I am so with you on the garden. At least this time I will EXPECT it to turn into a hideous bramble patch, & my kitchen into a smelly dish dump. It's the loss of my mind which feels harder especially as I so want rid of this bloody PhD.

[bearsmom]

I think our culture encourages us to be incredibly self-critical too (if we're not running our own multi-million-pound business, living in a glorious professionally-decorated mansion in the country, surrounded by our perfect, gifted children who never misbehave or get dirty, etc. etc. we're not up to much are we?), which really doesn't help. I used to be incredibly self-critical but have got a bit better about it as the years have gone by by telling the self-critical voice in my head (and also, cf. the other thread we're on, my mother's voice [scarey]) to p**s off. Also DH is very self-critical and has trouble acknowledging his achievements and I think calling him on that makes me more aware that I need to avoid falling back into the self-criticism trap too. The other day I got him to write a list of all the things in his life he had to feel proud of and grateful for (god, this makes me sound like a hectoring wife) and it seems to have him helped a bit.

Your mind will come back, perhaps even better than it was before for having had a rest from all the academic stuff. How women manage to function fully intellectually in the months after birth amazes me (I've never forgotten reading that Monica Ali wrote Brick Lane while suffering from insomnia after the birth of her child. I suffered from insomnia for the second year of ds's life and all I managed to do was wander the house at night wringing my hands and sobbing).

How far off finishing the PhD are you? Do you have a deadline or is it fairly open ended? At this stage, so close to your due date might it be worth thinking about putting it to one side just for a few days to clear your head and come back to it fresh? Maybe just use the time to sleep and refresh your brain?

[bearsmom]

Meant to also say, glad you're feeling better today!