To be devastated my brother has no time for me

OnTheTurningAway · 2016-07-31 07:34:17

Please be gentle, I am really hurting and frightened right now. My mental health is bad. I have no one I can turn to or trust. I recently confided in my younger brother although I ususally pretend to be fine to him because he's younger so I was used to looking after him. I thought we got on well and had a bond different to my other siblings/family, assumed this was beacuse I looked after him a lot when young. We usually get ourselves into fits of giggles over silly things or debate things from an obscure POV, and he himself has recenty said we share a sense of humour that often no-one else understands, so we periodically call each other to share funny thoughts/events etc. Speak every week or two atm, with odd txt inbetween. Anyway I am visiting family. He still technically livs with them although usually at fiancees. She's currently ill (unpleasent but not deadly/in hospital) but does live with parets so he's not having to fully look after he iyswim though obviously wants to spend time there. He is not working this weekend and went out drinking last night. He was around for 2hrs on friday night for dinner with the family (so everyone talking) and that is it. He rushed in to pick something up yesterday without even calling out hello which seems appallingly rude. I just dont understand - he seems, and is known as, a thoughtful considerate caring person. Evryone he meets loves him. But that just doesn't match with how he's acting. Im so hurt and confused. I wouldn't have come if I'd known he had no time for me. I'm breaking down and getting really overwhelmed and frightened and all horrible memories flashing through my head and feel sick. I'm so sorry, I sound like an idiot, but this is really frightening for me. At the station I kept thinking how easily I could go under a train and stop the pain. It wasnt a good time to visit but it's overdue (been 6 months) and thought I'd manage with his support/haing a good laugh with him. He knew how hard I was finding this. I just dont undertsand - he knew I was coming, why didn't he set aside time? Even without me being unwell/struggling I'd have thought it was expected/normal for him to spend a full eve or an afternoon with me? If it was me I'd do that automicaly, eg. I make sure to visit my DGM whilst I'm here. Why doesn't he make sure to have time for me? He doesnt see why I'm so hurt at all. Adding in the fact that he knows how much I'm struggling just makes it even worse. I just do not understand how anyone can teat someone like that, let alone a sibling they claim to care about and know is really not ok, right now. He hung up the phone on me when I tried to talk to him and wouldn't answer. It just seems so cruel. Im horrified. I had to run out after him when he nipped in yesterday and try to explain... he suggested I meet him on Monday in his work break. At first I felt grateful he'd spared some time for me but now I feel sick about it. This is exactly how I stayed so long in an abusive relationship. Crawling and begging and deserately trying to please the man and be gretaful for any scraps of time he can spare. I'm just so confused and hurt. It meant a lot that my DB cared and (I thought) was looking out for me. I suppose he must have just been doing the "kind act" peple do without it meaning anything really. I thought cos I was his sister it was real. Just the shock of realising I'd acted pathetically grateful that he was sparing half an hr at an inconvenient time (for me) to spend with me... I've been trying to change this about myself, expect people to treat me with respect and hopefull stop getting abusive men walking all over me. I'm just so shocked and feel sick. I thought I could trust him. I'm so sorry, I have a plan in my had and I may not see him again. I'm trying not to think about it but now I've lost him too/can't trust him or rly on him its another very push in that direction. Im so sorry, please be gentle. I dont have anyone I can turn to. Im sorry Im not trying to be bad I just so very alone right now. Im sorry

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Mental health

This thread has been deleted

Because of our guidelines regarding threads where the OP is suicidal, we have had to delete this one.

We have been in touch with the OP privately and wish her all the best.