I have typed and deleted and re-typed this so many times. I guess that if I push "post" then I have to acknowledge this and face up to it but I'm scared of what that means and what will happen. Apologies for the length... I'm not really up to succinct and composed.
So today I have been fantasising about killing myself. Just walking into the sea and never coming back. I know this is very wrong and I won't do it as I couldn't do that to my 2yr old DD but I just feel so helpless and so so tired.
I am 31 + weeks pregnant... Haven't slept more than 3hrs of broken sleep in over 3 months due to nighttime nausea and vomiting and to cap it off have been in crutches since before Christmas due to SPD (which also makes sleeping very uncomfortable). I have been trying to be strong and holding it together but I feel at breaking point. I only have 3 more weeks at work but in those weeks I have to cover my role, my colleagues (who is on leave) and try and train my parental cover on some of the more technical aspects of my role. My job is a demanding city type job and I'm terrified of making a huge error as I can't concentrate or to be seen as being weak. I work in a mainly male environment and some colleagues love to pounce on anything that can be perceived as a reason to demonstrate women aren't capable in the role. I worked so hard to be here and I feel like I'm either going to lose it all by stuffing up or even worse just completely breaking down and cracking up.
I have not been able to stop crying today. I feel so alone and helpless and can't stop these horrible intruding thoughts. Then I look at my beautiful DD and feel so guilty for being like this when I know I am so much luckier than lots of other people. I am a nasty selfish person.
I'm scared to say anything to GP as I really don't want to take any medication and what if they take my DD or baby away? Then I would have nothing left.
I'm not sure why I'm typing this... I just wish I could sleep and then wake up and feel normal again.
No one knows how I feel. They all think I am doing fine. Type A personality. I guess I've been putting on a good front but I just can't go on like this anymore. I can't. Don't make me. I'm not waving, I'm drowning. My DH just thinks I need to relax. I am so angry with him. He doesn't get it. I don't get it. I just want it all to be over. Everything to go away. For me to go away. I miss my mum. God that sounds pathetic. I really wish she was still alive. You would think after 8yrs I would be over that. Guess I'm just weak and not as good as coping as I pretend to be. That's it really- I feel like I'm always living through someone else's eyes, pretending and hoping I don't get found out. I've not felt like this/as bad before and it terrifies me.
If you got this far thanks for reading. In not sure why I'm posting to be honest. Sorry.
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Mental health
suicidal thoughts- pregnant
kiwikaterpillar · 08/02/2016 03:43
Oh love, I am just about to turn in but couldn't read & run ,you have so much on your plate I'm not surprised you feel overwhelmed !
I suffered depression & spd during pregnancy & also put on my " happy face" but eventually crumbled when my dd was 6m .
Please try to get some real life support,talk to your Gp & get signed off,I'm sure the pain from your spd would be enough if you are not yet up to talking about the depression?
You're an amazing person to be handling all this stress as well as you have on almost no sleep! Sleep deprivation is a very real form of torture!
I've had SPD with both DC and had bad PND/anxiety after my 1st. But I carried on until the anxiety returned in horrible intrusive thoughts when I was 6 months pregnant with my 2nd. I was in a stressful contract job where I had to prove myself, combined with a high risk pregnancy. I ended up breaking down in front of a midwife at a weekly check. But she'd seen it all before and was absolutely lovely. She referred me in for prenatal anxiety counselling and they could not have been kinder or more supportive. Just having someone to talk to IRL made such a difference. DH was much the "stiff upper lip" type and didn't see how it was crushing me. Be reassured, no one even came close to mentioning taking DD away, nor did they push medicine at me. Even when I let on how bad the PND had gotten after my first. They did give me a weekly appointment to chat and numbers to call, but generally were really very supportive. If you don't want to speak to your GP, perhaps consider your midwife team? But do speak to someone! And really push to get signed off early, the SPD alone should be enough cause.
Please reach out for help op.
It's time to think a bit more about yourself and stop worrying about work!
I'm sure if your Dh realised how much pain you are in emotionally & physically he'd be more supportive ?
I suffered from spd during my pregnancies and was signed off at 27 weeks during my second, I'm not surprised you are struggling with work a work environment like that and a toddler whilst on crutches.
Feet up and rest for you as best you can from now on !
please visit your GP today and get a sick note and kindly hand it into HR! Fuck this your health and well being is far far more important!! GET COUNSELLING ASAP PLEASE DONT WAIT
I had something very similar. I had severe PND after my first child (although looking back now, the depression first presented in pregnancy) and to cut a long story short, I was prescribed Sertraline and it was wonderful.
I had to come off the Sertraline when I was pregnant with my second child and things became horrendous. I too had intrusive thoughts, suicidal thoughts which were fleeting, but terrifying. I had a 2 year old that I wasn't coping with at all. I had horrific SPD again. I booked an early midwife appointment as I was aware that I needed help. My midwife was bloody useless and suggested aquanatal classes to help with the depression and just not to cross my legs as a remedy for SPD 
! I booked an appointment with my GP who was wonderful, he got me an appointment with a psychiatrist who ran a specialist antenatal clinic. The psychiatrist recommenced me on Sertraline and after about a week the clouds lifted again. DD2 was born safe and well.
I understand that it is really frightening to seek help, I waited for ages to get the help that I so desperately needed after DC1. But knowing that the help was available made it much easier to seek help in my next pregnancy.
Please, please feel free to PM me if I can help you at all. I wouldn't wish what I went through on anybody 
Sounds like you need sleep and love and peace. It's hardly surprising you're finding things tough.
Acknowledging all of your very serious circumstances, I will advise you to get signed off asap for your spd.That alone at your pregnancy point is exhausting. I am still having to manage sleep with pillow between my legs etc 8 years on and I'm sure I could have done more to look after myself and maybe avoided that....even with the ridiculous belt and mega tubigrip I had to wear for 6 months and I had a job with loads of flying so stopped working very early on!
Also, thinking about your mum now is very common and perfectly normal. I found out I was pregnant the day I buried my mother...as a result I was "forced" to see a psych specialising in prenatal depression throughout as I was deemed high risk (was not in UK) who explained this to me in great detail (not that it helped...my feelings were directly related to my circumstances and some things cannot be altered). That said, 8.5 years on I still miss her every day and I'm not pregnant now. Such is life.
Good luck with your GP. Please look after yourself.
That's really good you have an appointment. Will you update when you get a chance? Well done
Please let us know how the doctors goes. It helps to write. Even to strangers
Hello kiwi, really happy to read your update. If your DH can accompany you to your appointment (now he understands a bit more) that might help...just think about it. If he doesn't, make sure you write down your points beforehand so you can convey them accurately to GP if you feel emotional (likely) in this appointment.
And remember, sleep deprivation is a classic method of torture to break down human strength: physical emotional and mental. You may well find that you feel much better mentally after a jolly good physical rest for a few weeks. I hope so...time will tell.
Please let me know how you get on 
You are so much stronger than you think. Reaching out and showing your dh was a massive brave step i hope you feel better soon
I was depressed whilst pregnant like you would think of quick clean ways to kill myself and the baby. I didn't tell anyone for shame and fear. Luckily when my ds, my world was born it lifted and I'm healthy now . Could have been a lot worse.
Well done kiwi (and Mr kiwi). Hope you feel better very soon, and best wishes for the birth of your new addition
I have been following this thread and really glad to hear it all went so well. Best of luck to all of you and please keep us posted 
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