Strong urge to end it tonight. Can i say that?

[VicWillia]

I probably won't. But wow the urge is strong tonight. Keep thinking of ways. I've had half a bottle of wine to try to numb myself but its not working. I'm just a shadow of who I once was. I'm angry with my loved ones because they want me to stay for them. They don't see how bone tired of living I am.

[Eastpoint]

Do you want someone to talk to?

[VicWillia]

No one in rl wants to hear it. They're all tired of me. I'm tired of me. Just wish I could turn the clock back.

[Snozberry]

No more wine tonight, it won't help. Do you want to chat/vent? Lots of us here willing to listen.

If you feel truly out of control call for help.

[Sirzy]

Pour the rest of the wine down the sink.

Can you talk to us? Or even better phone someone like the Samaritans?

[VicWillia]

My life is destroyed. And then I feel so guilty for that because a girl I know has been diagnosed with terminal cancer. She's leaving her dd and she doesn't want to. And I sit here thinking about it. I wish it was me instead of her. I don't believe in God but if he does exist, he has a funny sense of humour.

[DaggerEyes]

No more wine. You are on mumsnet now, so let the wise folk here pick your problems apart, and help you put things in order.

[SweepTheHalls]

Ring the Samaritans, talk to us, and pour the wine away, it really isn't going to help.

[VicWillia]

I can't see any other way out. I know there's people who love me which is why I'm still here. But I feel like an animal in captivity.

[Borninthe60s]

Please ring the Samaritans and chat to someone. Or mind or similar. Despite what you think your life is the result of a miracle and one worth living. Please hold onto that X

[vodkaredbull]

You're not alone. Lots of people here want to listen and help.

[VicWillia]

I can't call anyone because dp is home and I can't tell him how I'm feeling because he's broken by it all.
I'm in the bathroom so that he does not have to see me.
I've destroyed everything wonderful I've ever been given.

[vodkaredbull]

You feel like you've destroyed everything right now because you're at your lowest ebb but believe me you haven't. Can you tell dp how you feel?

[Sirzy]

You can email the Samaritans.

Have you been to the GP about how your feeling?

[KacieB]

Vic, please talk to him.

My DH has depression. It's heartbreaking but I'd never want him to hide from me when he was in crisis.

[Iwonderif]

Hi OP. Walk into the kitchen and pour the wine into the sink. You've made a big step on posting on here. Please please keep opening up on here or call Samaritans
116 123. Things are obviously seeming so overwhelming and ghastly. Offload to someone. Please OP.

[IgnoreMeEveryOtherReindeerDoes]

You can't see a way out but other people will help you find a way out if you talk to them. Please talk to someone like Samaritans or talk here if you can't do that. I've been where you are and tried to jump ship my family was very hurt that I didn't talk to them to give them a chance to help first

[Iwonderif]

Sorry X post. Email them. Definitely. Your DH probably doesn't understand to what extent you are actually feeling. Many of our loved ones don't. W hide things so well at times.

[VicWillia]

I can't. My dp is so great and he's had a long day and I just can't.

I think I will go out.

Thank you all for taking the time to talk to me.

[vodkaredbull]

We're all still here OP. You can talk to us all night.

[DawnMumsnet]

Hi VicWillia,

We're really sorry you're feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources - here. You can also go to the Samaritans' website here, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek real life help and support as well.

We can see you're being given some really good advice and support here, but if it's okay with you, we're going to move this thread over to our Mental Health topic - it's just a more sensitive part of the site.

Sorry for hijacking your thread VicWillia, and we really hope things start to feel a bit less overwhelming for you soon.

[Tate15]

Hi VicWillia, let me tell you that in my almost fifty years on this earth, I have reached rock bottom several times. I could see no way out and no future and just wanted to end the pain and hurt.

Somehow I didn't completely give up and lo and behold each time the situation I had found myself in slowly improved. I was truly in despair but by carry on going, things did get better.

I imagine that I will probably have further bad times ahead but I know now that the best thing is to keep ongoing.

I have the following saved on my devices. It helps to read it when I'm feeling down. I hope it helps you.

by Tammie Byram Fowles, LISW, Ph.D -

I’m sorry that you’re hurting so desperately right now. I know how painful the seconds, and minutes, and days can be, how long the nights are. I understand how very hard hanging on is, and how much courage it takes.

I ask though that you hold on to one day at a time. Just one day, and slowly this despair will pass. The feelings you fear you’re trapped in will serve their purpose, and then fade away.

Hard to imagine isn’t it? Almost impossible to believe when every cell in your body seems to cry out in agony, desperately in need of comfort. When it feels like the only thing in the whole world that can touch your pain and banish it is beyond your grasp.

And after all this time, the assurance that you will heal has become an empty broken promise. Just let one tiny cell in your body continue to believe in the promise of healing. Just one. You can surrender every other cell to your despair.

Just that one little cell of faith that you can heal and be whole again is enough to keep you going, is enough to lead you through the darkness. Although it can’t banish your suffering, it can sustain you until the time comes for you to let your pain go. And the letting go can only occur in its own time, as much as we would like to push the pain away forever.

Hold on. Hold on to appreciate the beauty of the earth, to feel the songs of the birds in your heart, to learn and to teach, to laugh a genuine laugh, to dance on the beach, to rest peacefully, to experience contentment, to want to be no other place but in the here and now, to trust in yourself, and to trust your life.

Hold on because it’s worth the terrible waiting. Hold on because you are worthy. Hold on because the wisdom that will follow you out of this darkness will be a tremendous gift.
Hold on because you have so much love and joy waiting to be experienced.
Hold on because life is precious, even though it can bring terrible losses.
Hold on because there is so much that you can not imagine waiting ahead on your journey – a destiny that only you can fulfill.
Hold on although you’re exhausted and your grasp is shaky, and you want more than anything to let go sometimes.
Please hold on.

So much in life can be difficult, even impossible to understand. I know, I know. So many of us have cried in despair, why? Why? And still the answers and the comfort failed to show.

Survival can be a long and lonely road, in spite of all those who’ve stumbled down the path before you. And it can be a treacherous, tortuous journey - so easy to get lost, and yet impossible to avoid even one painful step.

And the light, the light at the end of the dark tunnel for so long cannot be seen, although eventually you’ll begin to feel it’s warmth as you move forward. And forward you must move in order to get through the hell of remembering, of despair, of rage, of grief. Keep looking forward, please.

Rest if you must, doubt your ability to survive the journey if you have to, but never let go of the guide ropes, although when you close your fingers around them, your hands feel empty, they are there. Please trust me, they are there.

When you’re exhausted, when all you have to count on is weakened, weary faith, hold on.

When you think you want to die, hold on until you recognize that it’s not death you seek, but for the pain to go away.

Hold on, because this darkness will surely fade away.

Hold on for one more day.

**

Stay strong op, it is always worth seeing what is around the corner. Xxx

[KacieB]

Vic, have you been able to talk to someone tonight? How are you doing?