Hand hold needed, cant stop crying or act normal

[elementofsurprise]

That's it really. I cried waiting for a bus in town yesterday, keep just sitting in a heap crying and overwhelmed. I always have to sort of rally myself and somehow manage, even though my life has become more and more limited cos of it. Now even popping to the shop is a mountain to climb. I can't do anything without crying for half an hour first. My kitchen sink is out of action due to rubber seal breaking, and I can't face the landlords handyman knocking (he does it early cos he knows I sleep late, and is a dick) and having to engage with him so it remains broken.
I have no-one who would pop in for a hug or cup of tea.
I have no professional help beyond GP, and he just started raving on about his friend being taken seriously ill on new years day - I can't understand why. He is the only decent (normally) GP at the practice, and there is no other practice I can get to without a huge hassle re-registering and taxi rides and so on. CMHT have ludicrously high criteria I will never meet, primamry care services say im too complex for them.
Private therapist stopped seeing me cos she said i need mre help.

God what an affort to type all that, im so sick of having to write out why i cant get professional help..
Im just in a heap crying. Im trying to eat properly and do my open uni work but just so exhausted, worn out, cant stop crying, cnt rally the forces somehow. Just reached the end. Im so sorry, i have nowhere else to turn

[Ikeatears]

Oh element, I'm so sorry you're still struggling. I wish I could off some practical advice about who to turn to. I'm hear to listen if you like.
What are you studying at Open Uni? I've done an Inclusive education module and would love to pick it up again. Im only two modules of my degree but life seems to always take over and I never get around to re-registering. I have a huge problem with self-motivation and find the challenge of distance learning huge, although I do enjoy it when I can motivate myself.

[Ikeatears]

*off not of - I'm am literate - honest!

[elementofsurprise]

Thanks. Im doing social sciences.

I just don't know how you're supposed to "rally the forces" "press on" or any other cliches.... how to just keep going. People say stuff about one step at a time and so on, looking on the bright side, feckin' CBT speak and stuff. But what about when your body is just crying and crying, no matter what you try to think?

I have a difficult past that haunts me and makes me feel guilty for feeling like that, I'm terrified of the future, being so lonely, and terrified I will never have a partner and children (i'm in no hurry apart from being 30 so clock ticking a bit, I just want to know it's going to happen at some point). I'm terrified and see no hope wrt going back to work, and the state benefit system is horrible and getting more so (right now I'm ok financially but scared as know that will change as they cut everything...)

So it's kind of a triple whammy of past, present and future all crushing me and seeming hopeless and too much to cope with.

So I try to just keep going, smile, pretend it's fine, look on the bright side... and I can't anymore. I know there is nowhere to turn. I know there is no help for me. I have exhausted everything I have and still people think I'm not trying hard enough or have behavioural problems (CMHT!) or something.

Thanks for reading. Sorry to be bleak. I just don't know how to make it ok anymore.

[elementofsurprise]

The other thing is, because I am forced to deal with the outside world, people try to "help" or get involved but its always invasive and awkward and nosy rather than helpful, and so so embarassing. I hate people staring at me cos I can't walk down the street without crying, I hate being that person who can't cope. But I have to do stuff and have no-one to help me. I feel so stupid and worthless that I have to ask for help or cry in public or whatever.

[Freeriver]

Possibly no help, but I have found thinking of the future overwhelms me too. I try (really difficult I know) to just take it one day at a time.
Cope with the moment, try to block the past and the future.
Maybe one day you can face both those, but for now just get through the day and do what has to be done to carry on.

[elementofsurprise]

Yes but my point is, in the moment I am not coping, just a crying heap. I have spent YEARS blocking out the past and the fears of the future, taking each day as it comes blah blah blah. But now I am a huddles crying mess, right now in the moment, my boy is crying and broken and aching with adness and overwhelmed, and my mind can no longer force it to work.

[elementofsurprise]

*my body is crying... etc

[Freeriver]

I'm not surprised, and that's normal. All I can do is send you a big ((hug)).

Nothing anyone says can make it better element, it just has to be got through in any way you can.

It will take a long. long time, and it will never, ever be the same.

To love is to risk having your heart broken.

[elementofsurprise]

This isn't about a relationship breakup . It's about being mentally unwell for years and reaching a point where my brain has completely broken and I can't stop crying and get on with the basics.

[Snog]

Give your GP another go, I guess we all have off days
Have you tried ADs?
I would find a new therapist when you are able to, try 3 or more and pick your fave.
And mindfulness can help too. Mainly be kind to yourself like a best friend would be to you
For me, giving up alcohol and caffeine made a positive difference and was part of an answer that I am still working on