Very low

[dogdaysareover]

I nc'd for this and don't know whether I should post here or in relationships. I have posted here because my instinct is that it is my MH which needs sorting out before I tackle anything else.

Basically, I am extremely unhappy and have been for a long time, since the birth of my lovely boy. DS is 4 and I think I may have PND, which has never been treated and which is becoming so severe that it is a threat to my existence.

I feel very tearful a lot of the time, always have al ump in my throat and always fighting back tears. I start the day off like this, but do find that once I am immersed in work, I tend to feel better. I work p/t and SAHM for the rest of the week. SAH days are often worse, as I struggle to control my temper, have shouted at poor DS a few times recently, over trivial matters (I never hit him or say abusive things, just a few times I have shouted when I should have been a bit calmer). I find that I am moody and irritable a lot of the time. DH says it is like walking on egg shells being around me.

I think I am a terrible mother and have a lot of guilt surrounding my children, although my family insist I am a great mum, and logically I know that my children are always loved, well fed, clothed. The house is always clean and tidy(ish). I play with them, take them out; they are the centre of my life. But, I am plagued with thoughts that social services will come and take them away. I am always on edge when I am at home, thinking they will knock and find me wanting and take the kids. Again logically, I do know this is unlikely. My family has never had SS involvement and there is nothing to suggest that they would ever need to be involved. But the thought does consume me.

The other thought I have started to have recently is about a new step mother for my DC. I have, an idea, a scenario in my head, that I am no longer here, that DH has re-married and the kids have a step mum. She is quite unlike me, firm and cheerful. In my head the kids love her. She is warm towards them; firm and fair. She is great at ironing their clothes, etc. In this scenario, the kids don't really remember me, perhaps DS does, but generally they all rub along together really well and everyone is happy, DH included. I think about this so often that I seem to know a lot about this woman; hairstyle, dress size, hobbies, etc. They are all so much better off without me. I think about this a lot too.

I don't know why I am typing this really, but writing it out has made me think I might need some help. It doesn't sound normal, does it? I am worried that I am sinking very very low, thinking these thoughts and then I worry that I will somehow make my worst fears come true...e.g. if I ask for help and admit how bad I feel, will SS then become involved and I have confirmed my own worst fears? These thoughts chase themselves around my head and I don't know how I can ask for help.

[HugglePuffCherryPop]

Oh Darling!

Firstly. You are NOT a terrible mother.
You are a human, with emotions. Being a mum doesn't make you any less human than kidless people.

I had sever PND after my first. It was that bad, that I bolted my windows for 3 months. I showered once a week (If I felt like it). And I rarely ate. I lost 20kg's.

Any of my son's immunisations or doctor appointments were done by my mother. I lost many friends, and was very close to a divorce. My husband was in the dog house on a daily basis due to it.
He started work at 4am. And because I wouldn't move, he had to get up and bottle feed because I refused to breast feed.

When I returned to myself, my eyes burned at the sight of sun. Food made me vomit. And I didn't even realise I had PND until it was over.

I applause you for being so brave to write about this. You do not have to justify that you do not abuse your children. We all lose our temper.

I can see why you are saddened. You children DO NOT and WILL NOT love you any less. Just be grateful that their Step mother is kind. As many aren't that lucky.

You are you! Please don't think any less of yourself. She is just a new person, showing them new things. And that is OKAY.!!
You are beautiful! Your are caring, and you LOVE your children.

This will pass. You will feel yourself soon, and the world will be beautiful again!

If you need to speak privately, jot down your Facebook, and I will add you, and speak with you. Xoxo Stay strong you wonderful Lady!

[ProfessorPreciseaBug]

Big hugs...

Sorry that I can't add to whst Dogs Days has said.

[CockwombleJeff]

Hello dog days.
I am a mental health nurse .
Lots of times on this site I see " depression" bandied about when people are simply sad or discontented.

Reading thorough your post there are signs that suggest you are at the very least moderately depressed. Please make an appt with your GP - I do not think this is likely to resolve without antidepressants - and you WILL get better.

Please update me when you have made an appt and literally tell him or her what you have put on her.

[dogdaysareover]

I have been without the internet for a few days, but wanted to sincerely thank you all for commenting on my post. You have given me a lot to think about and I think I will take your advice and book a GP appt. next week. Again, many, many thanks for reading and commenting xx