Arrgghhh, what's wrong with me?

[silversea]

I can't even pour my heart out without screwing it up. I just finished typing amessage and lost the lot. Now nearly in tears.
Everything I touch turns to shit. Just feel so low. So crap at everything.
Can you buy self este3em, I need some. Am so fed up feeling like this. Feel so lonely, so down. Don't think anyone realises how much...

[HappyMellowmas]

I felt like this yesterday.

I feel bit better today after talking a about it a bit more and then doing something about it (taking ad's).

Self esteem would be sold out even if you could buy it. Are you worrying about anything or just feeling low?

[silversea]

Feeling low and worrying. Taken time out from uni, partly to be around for middle ds, partly to try and tackle plummeting self-esteem.
Now not sure I want to do course. Didn't feel like I fitted in, but would feel a failure not going back and also would be letting my family down after theyhave had to put up with all the upheaval.
Glad you are feeling better today. Do you mean you are on antidpressants? I've started taking St John's Wort to see if it helps.

[HappyMellowmas]

I think you are doing the right thing in taking time out for yourslef, if possible try not to make any rash decsions about uni until your feeling a bit better, within yourself.

Do you like the course or is it just that you feel you have not fitted it? It is difficult not to dis-clude yourself from people when you are depressed too, maybe if you can feel better you would feel most a part of things at university?

Or is the university course which is making you down? Causing anxiety?

I have been on/off anti-depressants for 12/13 years. I had been off them for 8/9 months but my moods have gradually been getting lower and lower over the past few weeks.

I started back on fluoxetine yesterday. I have heard some good things about St Johns Wart too, but felt really bad at the weekend so felt I should go back onto ad's. Sometimes it only takes a few weeks and I start to feel better again, so hopefully will feel fine by christmas.

[silversea]

It's all sorts of things. I'm tyring to give myself a big kick up the bum because the self-esteem thing ahs dogged me all my life. Had a troubled childhood which, although I hate to admit it, I know has left its scars and I'm finally fed up of it holding me back in everything I do. I battled against admitting it had any effect for years. Now I'm in my thirties and waiting for a couselling appointment that never comes. I feel selfconfidence is the key to a lot of things for me.
There are lots of confusing issues relating to uni. It's a career I wnated for ten years but I've not found the shifts/study and kids easy to cope with. Although academically I do well. And no, I know I don't fit in. We are all pleasant enough to each other but they all have family/friends' support. I have my oh, who does two jobs and is unitentionally crap at support. They say stuff without thinking, like calling me a clever shit for asking a question, or one thing which was painfully embarrassing, when the tutor made an invitational comment about me looking nice (which makes a change)you could hear a pin drop. Not one person agreed (perhaps I still looked shit, ha, ha). They wouldn't be like that to each other. I've always done the "You look nice today, like your new haircut..." stuff because it gives people a little lift. They always talk over my presentations too. I was bullied by one of my mentors. My practical skills are rubbish, even though my mentors seem to think I'm okay.
I don't feel like I've got what it takes to do the job at the end. So much self-doubt. Can't see the wood for the trees. Just want to be good at something, not a nearly-been or has-been, which has been the case since the kids came along. (I love them dearly).

[silversea]

Sorry, you did ask...

[HappyMellowmas]

hmmm

Tbh I hate all that false crap. Oh your hair looks nice, ooo you look fab today .

Can you not just put your head down and work through the course how long is it for? If you left your course do have anything else in mind you could do, if not now but something else to work towards (without the stress)?

how long have to you wait on the counselling?

[silversea]

That stuff about the appearence was just a poor example of how easy it is to make me feel worthless when I'm having a bad day. Today I read it and thought: "My God, I really need to pull myself together, how pathetic!"
As for the false crap - I always mean what I say - the good and the bad. But I know what you mean, it can risk coming across creepy and leave a brown smudge on the nose!
Am feeling soooo much brighter today. Spoke with oh last night and cried all over him. He hadn't realised just how down I had been. Warned him, on pain of death, to never risk saying: "Don't be silly," to me again. I know I am being daft but rationale just vanishes when I feel low. Didn't dare tell him just what had been going on in my squalid little mind. I had some pretty dark thoughts yesterday.
Decided just got to get on with it really. Somehow it will all come together. It always does - eventually!
Counselling waiting list is 3-4 months. So that's still at least another 8wks before I get started. Will be a lot of skeletons let out of cupboards. Gonna start singing "Dem bones, dem bones...."
Unless I see a job/course I really fancy before I'm due to go back to uni, well I'll stick with the original plan and probably be unemployed at the end of it! Dust off the books after xmas, do some serious reading ready for next two years of crap.
Everyone else can go and do pleasurable unmentionable things to themselves. I don't need to be liked by smallminded ratbags. Even if they haven't invited me to the xmas do...boohoo.
I always survive and that's enough to piss off the people that matter, so I'm happy! Some of us are just made to be square pegs in round holes and maybe that's not such a bad thing after all...Remind me of this when I next come on here feeling sorry for myself.
Happymellowmas, I hope you are feeling okay today and that the ad's are doing their stuff. I really appreciate you taking the time to reply to me. (And that's not false crap, by-the-way!)It made a big difference when it mattered most, so thankyou.

[Snailpace]

HI silversea, I just wanted to say that I have been taking st johns wort for nearly a month and I honestly think that they're doing something! (Im also taking Evening Primrose Oil, my mum swears by it for minimising period problems including PMT.)

I am in the middle of a temporary split with DH and I am amazed at how I feel! Calm and level headed!