Advice re: depression & self harming

[Tassles2015]

I've NCd because this isn't something I'm very comfortable talking about, but I'm a regular.

I first self-harmed in my early teens but didn't really consider myself 'depressed', just unhappy with very low self esteem. It was a form of stress relief and I told myself it was okay because I didn't cut very deep. I only did it sporadically when I felt overwhelmed and I certainly didn't see it as an issue I needed to address. I stopped at 18 when I left home, I lost a bit of weight and felt much better about myself, 3 years later after I split with my first serious boyfriend, I did it again but thay was it for years and I haven't felt the urge to do so in a long time.
I'm in my mid twenties now, married, well on my way to having a successful career etc etc but I'm deeply unhappy. It doesn't really take much to push me over the edge and I think about cutting myself/suicide. A spat with DH, anxiety over work etc.

I don't feel like I would ever actually kill myself, I wouldn't want to hurt my family but there are times when I feel like I can't do it anymore. I have cut myself a few times in the last 6 months, and it does briefly make me feel better but it's getting to the point where friends and family are asking me what the scars are. My teenage brother has figured it out and I feel so guilty. I've never worried about long sleeves because I didn't think the scars were noticeable, but the newer ones are and even the ones that are 15 years old are pretty stark against my tan.

I don't know what to do, DH is the only person who really knows about it but he doesn't understand the extent of my feelings. I worry he sees my self harming as a manipulative tool to make him feel bad if we have argued. He is not from a culture where mental health is a 'thing' and it's not really something I understand either.

I feel like I need to do something because it is starting to affect my life, I've tried making positive changes to feel better about myself but it hasn't helped. I'm a very anxious person and get stressed very easily which doesn't help matters.
I would feel so silly going to a doctor about this. I am deeply ashamed and I would feel so awkward explaining my feelings to a GP. What can they even do anyway? I don't like the idea of taking medication as that isn't solving the problem, is it?

[Tassles2015]

Well, that was rather long it was very cathartic for me to write though.

[Wryip11]

Do see your gp. There are talking therapies which can help and meds can help. You wouldn't refuse insulin if diabetic would you? This is the same. I am on meds and TBH just want something to work don't care if I end up on them for the rest of my life if they do!
I have only self harmed when sectioned in hospital but am regularly suicidal and have been in A&E loads as a result.
Try and deal with it now before it has the chance to take more of a hold.

[Tassles2015]

I don't really know what to say to the GP, I'm not sure how to express how I feel without sounding terribly sorry for myself IYSWIM?

[onlyoranges]

I also self harm and like you have done it for years. Sometimes I go for long period without doing it, then its back. I run out of excuses to tell people about the marks and I think the stories I tell become less and less believable.

I have had lots of talking therapies over the years and although they are great for getting to know yourself better they have never helped me change any of my unhelpful thought patters but I know they work very well for some people.

I am seeing a psychiatrist now which I am pleased about. If you go to the GP they will do that little depression test that they do and then suggest anti depressants prob the ones with the anti anxiety properties and may refer you to some talking therapy. Your GP won't think that you are feeling sorry for yourself, why would they? You have an issue that they need to help you with as you can't sort it out yourself.

Sometimes we go so low that we loose perspective, medication gives you that lift that you may need to get you to a place where things feel a bit better and put you in a better place to deal with things. I would urge you to seek help from somewhere. I imagine a large proportion of a GPs workload is mental health stuff its just all in a days work for them, please try not to worry about that!

[NanaNina]

I think the words that struck me reading your post was I am deeply unhappy and this sounds like you could be suffering from depression. You already suffer from anxiety and the two usually go hand in hand, and it's often to tell which is which.

The thing about MH issues is that they do have a tendency to recur at different times in our lives, and this is obviously what's happened in your case. Suicidal thoughts are a symptom of depression - a very common symptom and self harming is how some people try to get relief from the emotional pain of mental illness. Have you any idea why you are feeling so unhappy - have there been any triggers, like losses in your life, although it doesn't sound like that's the case.

I agree that you need to see a GP as others have suggested and many people don't want to do this, fearing they won't know what to say etc. feel silly etc and I think this is because there is still a stigma around MH issues even though 1 in 4 people will suffer a mental illness at some point in their lives. Approx one third of GP consultations are MH related so you won't be telling the GP anything he/she hasn't heard many times before.

It might be useful to write a list of your symptoms, including everything as well as the self harming and you can just hand it over to the GP or use it to make sure you say all you need to. However as oranges has said some GPs have a questionnaire about depressive symptoms and so will ask you about your symptoms.

You say you don't want to take meds because that isn't solving the problem - but do you know what the problem is - as it sounds like the issues that caused you problems in your teens are no longer causing problems. Meds treat the symptoms of a MH issue but not the underlying cause, but you would need to have therapy to address those issues. The most effective way to get better is a combination of meds and therapy.

[Tassles2015]

Thank you all

No, no triggers, I'm just a miserable cow who spends too much time wallowing in self pity. I don't like myself very much so I suppose it stems from that.

I'm going to summon the courage and go and see the GP, there's a 3 week wait for appointments so I've got plenty of time!
I think I need to get over the idea that taking ADs means admitting weakness, I am bloody weak and I don't want to feel like this any more.

[onlyoranges]

Why do you think you are wallowing in self pity? I think you are very tough on yourself. Everyone hits bumps on the road and needs a bit of help. If you had a friend who was going through what you are would you think they were wallowing and weak?

[Tassles2015]

I don't know, I guess not. Because on paper everything seems good and I have a lot I should be grateful for.
I put a lot of pressure on myself and when things don't go to plan I just feel worse.

[SingaSong12]

((((Tassles2015)))) hugs

It is really tough going to the GP for the first time. Your original post explained very well how you feel. You could copy it into a blank document and print out either as it is or amend it a bit if you prefer. I suggest putting the line
"I would feel so silly going to a doctor about this. I am deeply ashamed and I would feel so awkward explaining my feelings to a GP"
or maybe
"I feel silly coming to a doctor about this. I am deeply ashamed and I feel awkward explaining my feelings. Could you read this and then we could discuss it."
at the top.
On the day you could just talk, and have the statement to remind you what to say, but if you prefer then give them the sheet. I suggest booking a double appointment.

[Tassles2015]

Thank you.
I'll try and explain verbally, handing over a piece of paper will make me more nervous but I'll take one along as a back up because I'll probably get quite upset.

Thank you again, hopefully I'll make some headway with dealing with it all.

[NanaNina]

Good god a 3 week wait for a GP apt - that's ridiculous. At our surgery you can get a same day apt if you turn up at 12 and are prepared to wait (can be an hour, but usually 15/30 mins) Can you not book appts on line - mind these are usually a week or so ahead, but not 3 weeks. How do they deal with emergencies - babies with suspect rashes, children with high fever, that sort of thing.

But glad you are seeing a GP anyway - and don't worry about getting upset - you'll possibly burst into tears (that's what most of us do on our first visit!) but GPs are very used to that.........and don't forget they are very well paid and choose to be medics. You are the customer!

[gg1234]

Hi

This is very unpredictable .You can actually cut so deep that there is no point of return.Its all done in a flash of a second when you are feeling very low or not able to find a solution of your problem which can actually be very very less than what it is .You should tell everything to GP and dont be ashamed of yourself.You need treatment may be in form of CBT or med but you need it .
Dont try to avoid it for long run you might be too late .It very nice that you came here and disclosed your feelings here which means you understand something is wrong and you have to seek some solution .
See we are all wired differently.So sont be ashamed of seeking any help .Go for Talking therapies and then some treatment .
Regards
GG