Low self-esteem is ruining my life

[GourmetGold]

Just that really. I feel really stuck, I don't like my life and I don't know how to get better.

I had a bit of a nightmare childhood, I was bullied, belittled, criticised and made fun of by my parents and have ended up with virtually no faith in myself.
I struggle to make friends, believing I am not likeable and fear failure so much that I avoid even hobbies that I enjoy, I'm so afraid I'll get things 'wrong'.
I don't like buying clothes anymore as I just think I am too ugly, so no point making any effort.

I haven't had a good job for 10 years now, just minimum wage jobs and end up being bullied by someone is EVERY job! I don't know why I'm always a target for these people. I've had to quit so many jobs as I just don't know how to stand up to people.
I would like to retrain to get a better job, but I have absolutely no faith in myself to be able to do this. Any training ideas end up in the bin, after my initial enthusiasm.

I live with my partner who works away half the month and when he is back has a busy social life with the sports he does, so we don't see much of each other and hardly ever go out. He is very caring and mostly supportive, but to be honest seems too busy to help me much and I don't expect him to...I am an adult and should be able to sort myself out, I just give up at the first hurdle! I get so down sometimes I am afraid he will leave me and I'll be totally alone. Tonight he said he was finding things difficult with me.

I have tried CBT self-help, which has been helpful, but I often feel too down to do that. I have tried anti depressants but just felt like a zombie. Therapists local to me are £80/hour, which I can't afford.

I know I need to work on my self-esteem...does anyone have any suggestions? I feel like I am at rock bottom & want to disappear.

[GourmetGold]

oh well, I'll just have to get on with some more CBT exercises I think.

[sliceofsoup]

I could have written your post OP.

I started counselling because I couldn't keep going round and round in the same cycle, and slowly it is helping. I know you say it is expensive in your area, but when i first went my counsellor lowered the fees for me because I don't work, even though my husband does. They are half the normal fee. And I did worry about affording it, but once it was worked into the budget it just became like another necessary bill.

Could it be an option for you if the cost was lower?

I think that being belittled and criticised as a child becomes so ingrained that you just automatically blame yourself for everything. I know I do that. I am so very hard on myself, and I am only realising that now. You are doing great, to try self help. You just need to try to see the positive things about yourself rather than the negative.

[WaltJunior]

I'm sorry op that sounds hard. How old are you? I was like this ten yes ago due to similar reasons (controlling, criticising mother). I had counselling but didn't find it much use. I think having children helped me see the bigger picture and not worry so much why I have such low self esteem. I feel older & wiser & im just about to leave deadbeat dh. I have labelled myself an introvert and I'm becoming more happy in my own skin as I get older. I think it has to come from within rather than from other people. Re- training sounds like a good idea. If you have a solid training in something it'll give you the confidence to do it. How about hobbies also? Again if you're good at something it'll give you a bit of confidence. Become an expert photographer, runner umm I don't know something like that! At the end of the day it would be sad to go through life with your head down being trodden on by others. Hold your head up. You are important.

[GourmetGold]

Thanks for your kind replies . Sorry to hear you have both had similar problems with critical parents!...sometimes I think they only had me for an 'emotional punch bag'.
I am 41 years old...thought I would be sorted by now, but yes, still going round in circles! I too am an introvert, I'm happy with that, I like my own company, just need to be nicer to myself!

Yes, I might have to look at counselling again, I will ask about discounts. The CBT self-help is good, but sometimes it would be nice to talk to someone, I have no one to talk to, apart from my partner, who I think is getting the end of his tether with me TBH.

I have so many things I am interested in...just procrastinate on them all, I seem so afraid to make any mistakes, so put them off.

I do need to stand up to other people, seems so many out there ready to trample on others to make themselves feel better for a few minutes .

[dogood]

I suffered with terrible anxiety, depression, and very low self esteem for years, due to bullying. It is so annoying that the NHS still aren't providing a good enough service for those of us with a mental illness, be it depression, anxiety or eating disorders. Why are we paying our National Insurance to then have to pay privately just to try and get better!!!!! For me my saviour was buying my first dog, he is four now. When I bought him my Husband and I knew it would either break me or make me. He is an absolute joy, he loves me no matter what, he knows when I am down and is there for cuddles. I have met so many people since I've had him and would never have dared to speak to them if I hadn't got my dog. I don't expect that it is that simple just to "buy a dog" but there is a site called "Borrow my doggy" Also below is a link on low self esteem. I think you've taken one huge step and that is asking for help on this Forum. :)

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/self-esteem/treatment-and-support/#.VZxLEGfbJ9A

[WaltJunior]

Great idea re the dog, you can borrow my doggy if you're in the se!

[dogood]

That's nice of you Waltjunior :) My confidence has soared since having Baxter (black lab). Truly is the best thing I ever did :) :)